Which To Bury: Us Or The Hatchet?
by julian bb
Summary: "You can love two people at the same time, but never in the same degree." Three years later everyone comes home for the week and old feelings arise. BLJ Triangle.
1. Friendship, Charm & Change

**AN:** So, here's my next story. This one's longer. Hope you like it and review. And a shout out to Toddian who's been a kick ass beta.

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing at all, but as soon as I get the rights to One Tree Hill you guys will be the first to know.

* * *

**Which To Bury: Us Or The Hatchet?**

_Friendship, Charm & Change  
December 19__th_

_-oo-_

_William Somerset Maugham once wrote: "It's no good trying to keep up old friendships. It's painful for both sides. The fact is, one grows out of people, and the only thing is to face it."_

Once upon a time I would've found that thought so cynic and negative and untrue. But then again, here I am, coming home about to face the people who I once called family.

My so-called best friends and I haven't spoken to half of them in the three years I've been gone.

Why Hales insisted on a big Christmas dinner is still beyond me. She claimed that it'd been too long and we needed to mend our relationships before it was too late to do it. That was a pretty solid argument, but that's not what sold me on this dinner.

Nope, it was Jamie. Of course I've kept in touch with him. He's still my number one boyfriend and Hales brings him to LA every once in a while. Nonetheless, when he begged me to be his Christmas gift I couldn't say no.

Then to add to that, she gave the phone to Robbie, who was learning to talk in full sentences. Now, he knew how to say: 'come visit me, Aunt Brooke'.

"Brooklyn," Calls Sam, busting me out of my thoughts. She calls me this purely to annoy me.

"My name's not Brooklyn, Samantha." I reply with a glare. You'd think after four years we'd be more pleasant to one another, but no. Our relationship is still 90 percent bickering, 10 percent niceness.

"Whatever, Haley's on the phone." She replies as she tosses it.

I take a deep breath before speaking, "Hey Hales, what's up?"

"Just making sure you're still coming and not backing out." I can feel her maternal glare over the phone.

"No, _mom_, we're still going. Julian is packing as we speak." I assure her.

"Good, Jamie's been crossing days off his calendar, and he misses Julian and Sam. He also claims he wants to get his _Guitar Hero_ re-match. Plus, Robbie keeps asking for you."

"I already said I'd go and so did Sam and Julian. No need to keep on guilt tripping us into it." Jamie, and now Robbie, can make me do anything. They can make Julian and Sam _do_ anything, too; they just refuse to admit it.

"Well, I'm going to let you go back to getting everything ready, and Nate will pick you up tomorrow." Nathan. I haven't seen him in a while. He never approved of me leaving Tree Hill. Which, I'm guessing, is why he doesn't visit.

"Okay, I'll see you then."

This is a bad idea. I get the whole 'we need to get over ourselves' speech Haley gave me, but Christmas is _so_ not the time to do that. Christmas should be candy canes and fresh cookies and mistletoe.

"Hey Dimples," I smile at hearing his voice. It's a natural reaction.

"You nervous?" His arms around me immediately put me at ease. He calms me down so easily, and he doesn't even realize that he does it.

Before I answer his question he starts kissing my neck, "It'll be fine. It's dinner. I'll be your wingman." He assures me in between kisses.

"How can you be so calm?" I squeal, "Everyone's going to be there."

"Exactly, that means Jamie and Robbie will be there. It's been a few months since their last visit, and I believe I owe mini J a _Guitar Hero _rematch. I also promised Robbie that I'd play _Wii_ with him." He knows all the right things to say. I love that he remembers what he does with Jamie and that he cares about keeping his promises to Robbie.

"Haley, Mouth, Millie, and Nathan will be there, too. I know you miss them and seeing them will be good." Huh, he did his homework… Knows the guest list better than me.

"Plus, it's Christmas and I'm me and as long as I'm there it'll all be okay." Ah, there it is: That _Julian Baker_ charm that makes anything sound good. It plays a big part in the way he appeases me.

"I packed. I made sure Sam packed, like, _really _packed. Not just say she packed so that in the morning you can run around frantically throwing her clothes in a duffel bag. We're all set to go." He assures me. He knows Sam and me well.

I giggle before turning to face him, "See, I knew there was a reason I kept you around."

"Yeah, well, I'm useful like that."

Even in the midst of the drama I'm sure is about to fall on us, he can still make me smile. He's the guy I can see myself growing old with, the one that sticks, and I love him for that.

_-oo-_

_Albert Camus once wrote: "Charm is a way of getting the answer yes without asking a clear question."_

I'm a charming guy. I can also be an ass. It's a complicated skill I've honed for years now. If you'd asked me four years ago if I ever pictured this as my life, I would've said no in a heartbeat. I was so not _that_ guy and then suddenly I am…

I'm engaged to the hottest girl on the planet, and I'm the proud parent of an annoying teenager. As an added bonus I got Haley, Nathan, Jamie and Robbie as a family too, if only for a while. It was all good while it lasted and bad when it fell apart.

I promised Brooke I'd always have her back and when she decided it would be better for us to get away, I followed. I would've done anything for her. I still would and I still do.

She's the girl you can follow to the end of the world without ever turning to look back. Nonetheless, I can't say she never looked back, because she did. I did, too. As much as I hated Tree Hill in the beginning, I grew kind of fond of it. Not that I'd ever say that out loud though.

I also can't say that I have any regrets. I'm happy now. Everything that went down between Lucas, Peyton, Brooke and I all those years ago seems trivial to me. Then again, they weren't a part of my life in the same way they were Brooke's.

Brooke comes out of the bathroom and throws me a pillow, "Baker, make some room. You're such a bed hog." There's that smile again.

I smile back before rolling over so she can have her half, and by half I mean her three quarters of the bed because if anyone's a bed hog it's her.

"I'm cold." She says pouting like a little girl.

I pull up the covers and snuggle up to her. This has become a routine for us since we started dating. "Better?"

"Much," she informs me as she clutches my hand, "Promise you'll have my back in Tree Hill?" she asks.

I try not to laugh and just kiss her cheek, "I have your back anytime, anywhere."

"I know. I just like to hear you say it."

"And I like to say it." I like to say and do whatever it takes to make her happy, because when she smiles the world fades, if only for a second.

"This is why we're perfect for each other." She says as she turns to face me.

"Because you like to hear what I say and I like to say what you like to hear?" and as I say this, I know it makes no sense.

"No…well yeah, but not _just_ that. Because you get me, you get my rambles and you love my godsons and my friends." She ran her hand along my face, the soft flesh bringing for an unknown heat. "And you have an unnatural way of calming me and you don't even realize when you're doing it. And because…"

"…Because the Priss and the Stoner end up together?" I ask with a mischievous grin.

She gives me a similar grin and practically pins me to the bed as she straddles me, "That, too," she replies before kissing me. Man, I do love Brooke Davis.

_-oo-_

_Chris Levinson once wrote: "We can move on without moving away from each other."_

I'm crazy. Everyone has been telling me that lately. Nobody gets why I want to plan this. Why I want to get everyone together again. Nathan seems to be sure that I'm just going to stir up trouble. I practically had to beg Lucas and Peyton to come, and I had to emotionally blackmail Brooke. I still haven't heard from Rachel, and Jake is seriously on the fence about coming.

The only one who seems to get it is Jamie. But even so, he just misses the time when we all hung out together. I miss that too, but this is about_ more_ than that.

I'm not naïve. I don't expect we'll all just sit at a table and things will be all right again, but it's a step. The only one we've taken in nearly four years.

"Not too late to back out, Hales." Says Nathan as he enters the kitchen.

"Nate come on, you promised you'd be supportive." I can't get through this without my wingman. I know he misses his relationship with Brooke and Lucas and everyone else.

"I know, I know, but I just…I can't help to think we're opening up a can of worms here. I mean, maybe we're just pushing our luck with this dinner." He states as he takes a seat next to me.

"Hey, I know you're upset about the way things went down. I am right there with you. Lucas and Peyton shouldn't have grown secluded in their _LA-LA land_ turned bad. Brooke and Julian shouldn't have just up and left." We all should've just talked to each other, but that's not the point now.

"I'm over that. I'm not upset." I can feel him tighten and his voice got harsher.

"Yeah, you are. I know you. That's why you and Lucas don't talk. Why you avoid Brooke when she calls or pretend to be busy when I head to LA. It's also why you cut everyone else out. You talk to Peyton every once in a while, but that's it."

"I didn't cut anyone out!" he says standing up, "_We_ got cut out, Hales. Brooke left. After what happened and the wedding, Lucas alienated us. They've hardly seen Robbie since he was born and they've skipped Jamie's birthdays._ We_ are what's left Haley. Maybe, you just need to come to terms with that."

Maybe I do. Maybe it's what I should do, but I can't. Lucas used to be my brother, and Brooke used to practically live here. We all used to be so in sync, and I can't give up on that. I'm not _ready_ to give up on that. We are all mad over stupid shit, and we need to let it go and move forward. Honestly, we might as well be arguing over who should've won prom queen…

"Nate…" is all I manage to whisper as I rub his shoulder in a sad attempt to comfort him.

"I'm going to go wake Robbie up. It's time for lunch and I'm sure Jamie's pretty hungry too." He says standing up and heading upstairs.

_-oo-_

_Chris Levinson once wrote: "Maybe not all friendships need to be saved. Maybe we're meant to just spend a certain part of our lives with certain people and then move on."_

When things go wrong, there's a window of time to try and make them right again. We've clearly missed ours. This thing that Haley's trying to do, it's nice, but it's too late. We made our choices and, just like High School, we all divvied ourselves up into sides.

Haley is a little bit right. I'm not exactly over the things that went down. But more than that, I'm disappointed. I expected more out of everyone. We were supposed to be grown ups. They should've faced things instead of running away.

I mean, at least Brooke tried to keep in touch. She calls and pays for Haley, Robbie and Jamie to visit even when Hales insists she can pay for herself. She even volunteers to pay for me, but I don't want to go visit _LA_ Brooke. I don't want to encourage her running away. The point is she made an effort to not exclude us from her life.

Lucas on the other hand didn't even go to the hospital when Robbie was born. He doesn't call and he ignores Haley's calls.

Ugh, I just hate that this is what we've been reduced to.

"Hey Daddy," calls Jamie.

"Jimmy Jam, I was just about to get you and Robbie. It's almost lunchtime." I explain as I pick him up.

"Aunt Brooke, Uncle J, and Sam get here tomorrow!" he squeals excitedly.

Yeah, they do. But I got a feeling we're going to need a referee at dinner and that the kids will have to eat in a different room. But yeah, everyone's coming home. Hurray…

"I know bud, I'm picking them up." I don't want to ruin this for him. He misses having his family together.

"Can I come?" he gives me the pout. I'm powerless to the pout. Brooke taught him well.

I roll my eyes and let out a sigh before answering him, "Sure, now go wash up before you eat."

-oo-

_William Somerset Maugham once wrote: "We are not the same persons this year as last; nor are those we love. It is a happy chance if we, changing, continue to love a changed person."_

Everything has changed. I used to be so sure of my life. Three years ago, things seemed so clear and then everything spiraled out of my grasp. I have to wonder when it was that everything changed.

"Haley left another message." She always leaves messages. I always neglect to call.

"We're going to this, right?" I can tell she wants to go. She's been trying to get things back to normal for three years.

"I said I'd go if you want to go. Do you still want to go?" I can't help a certain amount of disdain in my voice when I ask.

She can feel it, "Yeah, Luke, I do. I miss Haley and I miss Nate and…we've been doing this for three years, and it's clearly not working. So, maybe it would be better to face everyone."

I loved Peyton Sawyer. Loved? Love? Who can tell anymore? Most days I feel like I stopped knowing her a long time ago.

She's now Peyton Sawyer-Scott. I saw our whole future lives together. And then along came Julian and the movie and it was all downhill from there.

Then again, I can't really pin it all on him. We've all changed and we're all to blame, some more than others.

"I already left Haley a message saying we'll be there." I reply without turning to look at her.

"Luke, are _we_ ever going to be good again?" she doesn't sound mad or sad or disappointed. Her tone betrays no emotion, so I can't tell what she's feeling. Truth is I don't know if we'll ever be good again. By that I mean everyone. Brooke, Haley, Nathan, I cut them all out stupidly for stuff that wasn't their fault, and now here we are.

"We are fine, Peyton." I reply as I scroll through the contacts in my cell phone. "Tomorrow's going to be fine, too."

"You need to let me off the mat at some point, Luke. I'm your wife. It's been three years." She says with that emotionless voice again. I assure her once more that we are fine in a monotone voice.

I can hear her mutter a 'whatever' before she goes to bed. I hardly sleep anymore. I swear I'm running on the occasional cheap beer and caffeine.

Truth is: Nothing's fine. Nothing's the same. And I can't bring myself to pretend for her that everything's okay.

_-oo-_

_Paul Tournier once wrote: "Nothing makes us as lonely as our secrets."_

If I were looking at this from the outside, I'd probably say that I dug my own grave in this situation. But when you see it from the inside, it's different. It's not about what I did or what Brooke, Julian, Nathan, and Haley did or anything else for that matter. It was about a whole lot of shit hitting the fan at the exact wrong time.

We all ran away in our own styles. Brooke _literally_ took off with Julian and Sam. Jake returned to Savannah. Luke and I just _buried_ ourselves in this relationship.

While I can say I've lived most of my life under a huge banner of avoidance, this is different. I might've lost touch with everyone, but I dealt. I assumed responsibility for my mistakes and, if nothing else, that should be acknowledged.

But nothing's the same. Lucas doesn't look at me in the same way. Neither does Brooke, though _technically_,she doesn't look at me at all. I call Nate, like, once a month, but that's it. I haven't even called Jake since he left...

I gotta wonder how we all ended up this way. I feel responsible for things that _aren't_ my fault. My problems with Lucas _are_ my fault, but the rift that came between and him and Brooke and everyone else is on him. At some point he needs to stop using me as his scapegoat.

Tournier was right, our secrets make us lonely. Mine managed to leave me all alone. Lucas might be next to me, but he isn't here. If I had just gone to him, maybe things would've been different for all of us. Maybe we wouldn't be so freaked about a normal Christmas dinner.

I know as soon as I pick up the phone that I should hang up. I feel a little bit guiltier with every ring that passes. I'm about to hang up when I hear his voice on the other line, "…Jake,"

"Peyton?" yeah, this call is definitely a mistake.

**TBC**


	2. Life, Home & Suffering

**AN:** Here's chapter two...it has some flashbacks. Also, there'll be some Brucas soon (but I have to say my inspiration is slowly dying). Read & Review, dudes!

**Disclaimer:** Seriously, I own nothing (but if I did I'd totally kill Peyton off, check for the three sixes on the back of the head of Pucas' spawn, and have Lucas grovel endlessly until Brooke forgave him)**

* * *

**

**Which To Bury: Us Or The Hatchet?**

_Life, Home & Suffering  
December 20__th_

_-oo-_

_Kahlil Gibran once wrote: "If you reveal your secrets to the wind you should not blame the wind for revealing them to the trees."_

"Peyton?"

God, what am I, retarded? This is what started all the shit that went down three years ago. Hang up, hang up, hang up _now_!

"Peyton?" Seriously, hang up the damn phone,"Are you there?"

"Yeah, Jake, I'm, um, still here." Great, it's too late to hang up now…

"Are you okay, is everything okay?" he sounds concerned. I don't blame him. Last time I called I gave him plenty of reasons to worry.

"Yeah, things are good." That's bull. Things aren't good at all, "I just wanted to know if you were coming... To the dinner I mean. Haley is planning like a mad woman." _That_, I don't know if it's true. I haven't talked to her.

"Um, I, uh, I don't know. I mean, I have the plane ticket for tomorrow, but I wasn't sure if I should." If its at all possible, he's more freaked out than me.

"Uh, do _you_ want me to come?" he asks, sounding like a shy little boy. I don't know what to say to that. I want him here, but last time I wanted him here things ended badly.

_3 years ago:_

"_You have to tell someone, Peyton." He says with a shaking voice, "Lucas should know. Tell him or Brooke or Nathan. You shouldn't do this alone."_

_I touch my cheek and feel the tears dampening my skin. I had started to cry and I didn't even realize it. "I did tell someone, Jake. I told _you_." _

"_I know and I'm here, but I can't make this go away or hide it for you." He says sounding slightly nervous, "I can't be your hero here, Peyton. I've been gone for six years and I don't know you anymore."_

_I lay my head on his lap, and he instinctively brushes my hair off of my face, "I don't need you to be my hero, Jake. I just need you to be here."_

"Yeah, I think it'd be good…I've missed you and Jenny." I'm kind of feeling the Christmas-family-and-friends-togetherness vibe and I let that take over me.

"Well, then sure, I'll be there. Christmas in Tree Hill it is." he assures me and I smile.

"Good, good...I'm glad."

"Okay, so…I'll see you." We then exchange an awkward _goodbye _and _see you soon_.

Ugh! I should've just hung up when I had the chance.

_-oo-_

_Herman Melville once wrote: "Life's a voyage that's homeward bound."_

I am frozen in front of the big crystal airport exit door. I seriously cannot move. It's like I can't feel my legs. I can't do this. What the hell was I thinking? I haven't been in Tree Hill in_ three years_. I stayed away for a reason. I'm about to enter full on panic mode when Julian grabs my hand and locks eyes with me.

"Hey, I'm your wingman. I have your back, anytime, anywhere." He assures me before placing a delicate kiss on my forehead. "You ready?"

NO! I'm not ready to see everyone. The only person I've had any direct contact with, besides Jamie and Robbie, has been Haley. I decide to answer him honestly. We have a no BS policy…besides; he can always see right through me. "Not ready at all, babe."

"I'm going to be right here with you the whole time." He assures me while squeezing my hand a little bit harder.

"Promise?"

"Always," at hearing this Sam practically shoves me through the airport door. "Don't be such a wuss. It's just Nathan and Haley." She says as she rushes past us. I swear, one day I'm going to kill that girl.

"Hey, at least she got you through the door." Says Julian with a grin as if he had just read my mind.

As soon as we get to the sidewalk I spot Nathan's car, but before I can do anything a blonde boy comes running towards us.

"Aunt Brooke, Aunt Brooke!" he squeals as he engulfs me in a hug and as soon as he does I feel at home again. "Look at you, you've grown, like, a foot since I last saw you."

"I'm going to be nine soon." He states matter-of-factly before hugging Julian and Sam.

I shift my eyes back to the car and see that Nathan is now leaning against it, arms crossed over his chest, watching us. I feel a lump form in my throat.

"Um, mini J, I spot a Coke machine over there. How about you, Sam and I go get some while Brooke talks to your dad." He suggests with a grin. Jamie jumps piggyback on Sam's back and start jogging over to it.

Julian gives me a kiss before following, and I squeal, "Traitor!"

"Hey, Nate loves you. Go make up with him." he says, "I am right here and, if you need me to, I will swoop in like your knight in shining_… whatever _in the blink of an eye." I give him a nod of approval and start making my way over to Nathan.

As I walk over to him, I go over all the messages I left him before I finally gave up on him calling me back. Before I can analyze any of it, I'm standing in front of him. He senses how nervous I am and speaks first,

"Brooke Davis," he says with his trademark smirk.

"Hey Nate," I say with an awkward smile, "Merry Christmas."

We just stare at each other for a few seconds, so I decide to speak again. "I'm sorry that I left without talking to you."

"I know," he replies still wearing _that _smirk. I get the feeling he's actually enjoying this. "Well, am I forgiven?"

"Not even close," he replies, "But you're here, its Christmas, and Jamie and Robbie are excited. So, who am I to ruin this for them?"

That makes me no less confused, so I just stare at him once more. Finally, he smiles and hugs me. I'm shocked at first, but it only takes a few seconds for me to give into it. He whispers, "You better not take off like that again, Davis."

"I promise I won't, _Scott_." I whisper back, "Don't let me run away anymore." I add in an even lower whisper

"I promise," he says as he lets go, "Now, call Team Brooke over here, because they've been staring for the last five minutes." I look over my shoulder and spot Julian, Sam and Jamie staring at us intently. I look back at Nate and we burst out laughing.

I wave them so that they come over and once we're all in the car, Nathan turns on the ignition. He looks at me and smiles, "Lets get you home, Brooke Davis."

Home…man, it's weird that Tree Hill can still feel like it.

_-oo-_

_Nelson Mandela once wrote: "There's nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have changed."_

The funny thing about a place like Tree Hill is that it seems like time has stood still here. I only spent a while here, and I can honestly say everything appears to be exactly the same. Then again, _everyone_ is different. So, maybe, even when things stay the same, people keep on changing.

I mean, last time I was in a car with Nathan Scott, we were joking around and throwing a nerf basketball with Skills, Mouth, and Jamie. Now we're all in an awkward silence. He and Brooke seemed to have made up, but there's still a weird vibe filling the car.

Sam called shotgun, so Jamie, Brooke and I are in the backseat. They're thumb wrestling and I have next round. It's weird to say, but I've missed Jamie. I never really saw myself as a kids' kind of guy, but Jamie's by far the world's coolest kid ever and so is Robbie. It's hard to not like them.

With the games and the _ask-the-radio-a-question _thing that Brooke started, the ride to the house was considerably short. Once we get there, Brooke rushes in with Jamie and Sam. Nathan and I just follow.

"Things been good in LA?" asks Nathan casually. I know he means if Brooke has been okay in LA.

"Yeah, things are great." I reply, "She's been good, misses you guys, but she's been good." I add and he nods approvingly. One thing I'm sure of, Nathan Scott also has Brooke's back…maybe that's why he didn't instinctively hate me like everybody else did at first.

We enter the kitchen where Brooke and Haley are already "catching up" while Sam's chasing Robbie and Jamie in, what I assume, is a game of tag.

"Hey Hales," I say as I give her a hug, "How's my favorite singer?"

"Good, how's my favorite movie producer?" she asks smirking.

"Good," I answer. That's our cutesy way to say hello.

Nate and I decide to let them have their girl time and take the kids out. Sam insists on staying. "Man, you're lame." I tell her teasingly, "Three years later and you're _still _hanging out with your high school teacher."

She throws me a dishcloth, which I catch, and says, "Shut up! You're such a dork sometimes."

I stick my tongue at her like the four-year-old I am and give Brooke a goodbye kiss, "See you soon, Dimples."

I throw Robbie over my shoulder and follow Nathan outside while ignoring Haley's squeals demanding that I be careful. Things haven't changed at all…

"_Told you I could bench press you, dude." I tell Jamie as I raise him over my head once more._

"_This is so cool!" he says, laughing._

"_Well, I am impressed, babe. You're very strong." Says Brooke before giving me a kiss._

"_Gross!" says Jamie, "I don't want to know when you two are making out."_

_We stop and laugh when Haley suddenly bursts in, "Julian Baker!" she screams, "That better not be my five-year-old son you're holding over your head!" _

_All three of us laugh once more and I set Jamie down, "No ma'am." I reply with my famous grin._

"Julian!" she squeals once more.

I turn to face her and give her my serious look, "Haley, I promise I will be careful and that I will not try to bench press any of your kids." she gives me a warning glare.

"Scout's Honor." I add.

"Go," she says smirking, "And Robbie, mind your Uncle J. You know he's mentally challenged."

"Okay momma," he promises before we jump into the car.

Man, I've missed Tree Hill…

_-oo-_

_Wendell Berry_ _once wrote: "The past is our definition. We may strive, with good reason, to escape it, or to escape the bad in it, but we will escape it only by adding something better to it."_

I tossed and turned all last night, Nathan's words echoing through my mind. _"I can't help to think we're opening up a can of worms here. I mean, maybe we're just pushing our luck with this dinner."_

I was so sure that this is what was right. That getting everyone together was something we should've done years ago, but now I'm just wondering if we should've left the past in the past.

Then again, the smiles on Jamie, Robbie, and Nathan's faces were more than enough to convince me that this is right, that we're making things better.

I mean, even the smile on _my_ face. I'm ecstatic, but still shocked that Brooke, Julian and Sam are here. I mean, I called and stalked her like a crazy person, but still the fact that she's here feels a little surreal.

"So, how've you been?" I ask snapping out of it, "How's work and Sam, how's college life treating you?"

"You first," says Brooke, while gently nudging Sam. They may bicker a lot, but they've grown really close in the last three years.

"Okay, well, college's good, lots of work, but I like it. I actually had an internship with Julian last summer. Got class credit for it and everything." She says shrugging.

"Yeah, pretty soon Julian's _gonna_ be producing one of Sam's scripts." Intervenes Brooke proudly.

"I'm sure he will." I reply smiling.

"And work's good too." She continues, "Starting out from scratch was hard, but the publicity I got from _Ravens_ helped."

"Oh, please!" protests Sam, "You two are the hottest power couple in LA."

I have to agree, "She's right Brooke. You guys have been in US Weekly and People Magazine and Star and I don't know what else." I'm certainly proud of how far she's come, "And that's _just _in the last few months."

"Okay, so maybe things have been better than good, but I don't want to sound cocky and jinx it." She's trying to sound modest.

I smile and pull her into a tight hug. She's taken aback at first, but she still hugs me back. "What's that for, Hales?" she asks me.

"Just because." Because I've missed having my best friend around and visiting you isn't the same as having you here.

"Hey Brooke," says Sam, "We're gonna be late."

Brooke checks her watch and nods.

"Late for what?" I ask.

"Um, I wasn't sure if we could crash here, so I got us a hotel room." She says shyly.

You _gotta_ be kidding, "Hotel? Come on, I already set up the guest room for you two and the futon in the den's set up for Sam." Though, the way the guest list is looking, we'll have plenty of free rooms.

"Thanks Hales," this time its her who hugs me out of the blue. It's good to have her home again. I knew it was time to attempt to better things.

_-oo-_

_Tryon Edwards once wrote: "He that never changes his opinions, never corrects his mistakes, and will never be wiser on the morrow than he is today."_

When I spotted Brooke at the airport, I knew I had two choices: I could either remain pissed and resentful towards her the whole trip or I could try to be the bigger person and make this something pleasant for everybody.

Clearly I chose the latter. I am, after all, Haley's wingman and she wants this to go well. Plus, both her and Julian pull that charming crap that makes it hard for you to stay mad at them…I hate that.

"Ball!" calls Julian. He and Robbie are playing against Jamie and me. Robbie tosses it but it kind of bounces off the bleachers and…into Peyton's hands.

"Sawyer," I say with a smirk, "What brings you here?"

"Just wanted to get some air." I can't help to scoff at that answer. That's the understatement of the year.

"Hey Julian," she says without really looking at him.

"Hey Peyt, how you been?" he asks in a polite tone.

"You know…" she's clearly dodging the question, I don't blame her, "You?"

"Good, busy, but good."

If she feels half as uncomfortable as she looks, I pity her.

I turn to Jamie and Robbie and they're looking at their feet awkwardly, "James, Rob, say hello to Peyton." I say to them. They mutter a 'hey Aunt Peyton' and go back to staring at their feet. I go back to staring at Peyton. She has her _I-need-to-talk_ look on.

"Uh, J-Man, Rob, let's go get some ice cream or something." Says Julian, "I'm suddenly in the mood for it."

He picks up Robbie, and Jamie follows him. He can tell something's up with Peyton. Once they're out of earshot she walks over to the bleachers and I follow.

"Spill Peyton. We only talk once or twice a month over the phone, so I know _something's_ up." I don't want to dance around whatever it is that's going on.

"I called Jake last night," she says looking straight ahead.

Oh, come on! Are you fucking kidding me? "Why in the hell would you do that Peyton?" I don't know why I'm even surprised.

"Don't attack me. Haley's the one who brought him back for Christmas." She replies.

"Don't pin this on Hales, Peyton. She may be trying to bring the past back, but only because she wants to fix things. You, you're just trying to have your cake and eat it too." Either that or you're just looking to start drama, which might just be the case.

"Well, he's coming and I guess Brooke's here too…what about Mouth and Millie?" I guess she's still on the avoidance path because the old P. Sawyer would've had some sort of comeback for that.

"Don't know. They haven't called. Neither have Jake and Rachel for that matter, but maybe everyone will just show up." Maybe we'll get a Christmas miracle and everyone will just make up…

We sit in silence for a few minutes and finally she stands up. "I have to go, but, uh, if he calls you, call me."

I nod in agreement and she walks away. This thing is happening the same way it was when we were all together. Lying, hiding, and avoiding. Oh yeah, this is going to be a Very Merry Christmas.

_-oo-_

_William Somerset Maugham_ _once wrote: "It is not true that suffering ennobles character; happiness does that sometimes, but suffering, for the most part, makes men petty and vindictive."_

Well, I don't really remember about the happiness part, but the suffering has sure as hell made me a petty man. I don't do anything, I don't talk to anyone and I just close myself off from everybody.

"Hey babe," she says as she enters the house.

"Hey Peyt," I reply from the kitchen. We're out of juice and beer, "Where were you?"

"Um, I had to check some stuff at the office. They just sent me Mia's finished Christmas cover song." She replies casually. That's the tone all of all our conversations. Casual, like it was something we _had_ to do.

"Which song?" I don't really care, but I know I should at least pretend to.

"_Last Christmas_, I burned a CD if you want to listen to it later." She knows I won't bother, but she still offers.

"Sure, that would be nice." if she plays along I'll play along, too. That's what we've been doing for three years. Playing along.

"Brooke's here." She adds.

That got my attention, "Really?"

"Yeah, she's staying at Nathan and Haley's." she clears her throat, "Julian's here too."

Ah, Julian. Figures she wouldn't come back without him…"We'll see them at dinner then." Something to look forward to.

I turn to look at her and she stares at me a little perplexed. I don't know why, but then I realize its cause I'm smiling. I haven't smiled in long time, now. At least not an honest smile, but knowing Brooke's here just…gives me hope. Hope that things might be good again.

"I'm…going to go change." She says. She could tell my smile wasn't about her, but she can't really blame me for that. Not anymore at least. I guess the vindictive part of me just wants to alienate her from my life like she alienated me. Maybe, I just want her to feel as hurt and betrayed as I felt.

Maybe, I'm just a petty and vindictive man and that's all that's left of me.

**TBC**


	3. Running, Pain & The Past

**AN: **I'll answer your reviews later çause I am beyond tired and right now my roommates are gone and my bed is calling my name.

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing but my own name (which was mine long before Mark decided to use it)

* * *

**Which To Bury: Us Or The Hatchet?**

_Running, Pain & The Past  
December 21__st_

_-oo-_

_George Bernard Shaw_ _once wrote: "Choose silence of all virtues, for it is by it you hear other men's imperfections and conceal your own."_

I think we've been doing that way too much. We all say _nothing _hoping someone will slip and say _something _and it's not enough anymore. I thought I could do it like this. I thought it'd be best to leave everyone alone, but I can't.

Nathan would call what I'm doing meddling. Maybe it is, but still. To meddle is to give a damn.

Things went smoothly this morning. We ate breakfast and Nate and Julian took the kids to see Santa.

"So, Brooke, we ever gonna talk about the elephant in the room?" I ask her taking advantage of the fact that Sam's passed out upstairs. Gotta love how teenagers always sleep in late.

"Well, whatever do you mean, Hales?" she asks feigning ignorance. Avoidance has always been one of her strong suits. Hell, by now avoidance is a strong trait amongst us all.

"Ugh, fine! If you want it to be like that, we'll name him. When are you going to ask me about Lucas?" I've only got her here for a week, so I can't exactly afford tact.

She avoids my eyes staring _literally_ at everything in the room, but me. "Do we really need to talk about this?" she asks while staring at her hands.

"Look, I won't pretend I didn't play a part in why you felt you had to leave Tree Hill, but I know that the main reason was Lucas. He blamed you for things that weren't your fault. He misplaced his anger on you. And I think that's something we need to talk about." If we never talk about this, we'll never be able to get past this.

"I…" she stutters for a second, "There's nothing I have to say. I'm over all that. I mean, he and Peyton were going through a bad patch and I shouldn't have tried to…I just should've left Lucas alone and not meddle."

"You don't have any regrets about what happened?" she has to have them.

"I think –"

"Ladies," I recognize Nathan's voice calling as I hear the door opening, "The men are back!"

"And we got candy and ice cream!" that's definitely Julian. Figures he'd get the kids hopped up on sugar before lunch. Who can blame him, most of the time he's a kid himself.

"We're out back, babe." Yells Brooke from the door. She has a smile back on her face. She knows she just got saved by the bell.

They come outside and Julian has Robbie sitting on his shoulders. I kink an eyebrow at him.

"Hey, this doesn't count as bench pressing him." He says defensively. I seriously hate it when he does the smart-ass thing. Mostly because he's so good at it.

"Hey gorgeous, did you take care of your Uncle J and your big brother?" says Brooke as she picks Robbie off of Julian's shoulders.

"Yeah, they was good." He replies with a smile. We decide to make root beer floats and head into the kitchen.

"Hales, we're out of Coke." Says Brooke as she enters the living room, "I'll go get some. Nate, toss me your keys."

I burst out laughing from the look on Nate's face at hearing this, "I'm not letting you drive my car, Davis."

"Come on, I won't crash it." she says in whiny, childish voice.

Julian wrestles Nathan for his keys and tosses them to Brooke. Nathan whines and mutters something about _bros over hoes _to which Julian replies that he has to look out for his girl. _Bros over hoes_…with me, Peyton, and Brooke it used to go _hoes over bros_.

"Can I go with Aunt Brooke, momma?" asks Jamie giving me the pout.

"Sure thing, pretty boy." Says Brooke before I can answer, "Let's go." She's going to try to avoid me now so that I don't ask her about Lucas again. I'll say it once more; we've all become masters at the art of avoidance.

_-oo-_

_Joseph Heller once wrote: "I'm not running away _from_ my responsibilities, I'm running _to_ them. There's nothing negative about running away to save your life." _

While that may be a little dramatic for my case, but I think it stills applies. After the wedding drama, I felt like I was drowning here. Haley and Lucas weren't talking and I felt, at least, _partially _responsible for that.

Julian and I felt uncomfortable and our being here seemed to just complicate things. So when he suggested the move, I agreed.

"_Why so sad, Dimples?" he asks as he sits next to me on the couch._

"_It feels like we don't belong anymore." I explain with a shrug._

"_What, in Tree Hill?" he asks he as puts an arm around me._

"_Yeah, it's awkward with Naley. Lucas feels like I betrayed him, and Peyton isn't talking to me. I feel like I'm the odd man out in this." I've never felt this shitty without having done something to earn it. Because I honestly didn't do anything. I didn't know what Peyton was doing and I sure as hell didn't do anything to Lucas except trying to be there._

"_Hey, you didn't betray anyone and you haven't been alone since the day we got together…if you want to go we can go." I only manage to give him a confused look in response, "Come with me to LA. We can get away, and we'll bring Sam." He says with a goofy smile._

_He pulls me closer and tucks a loose strand of hair behind my ear. "You won't have to feel like the 'odd man out' ever again. I'll always be your family." He whispers to me in a seductive way, "Promise." _

_I can think of a million reasons why it would be wrong to run away –because, essentially, that's what this is –but, right now, the simple thought of us just getting away, of being a family is a good enough reason_.

That was then. This is now. And now I'm going out with my godson…just like old times.

"Got your coat, bud?" I ask him as I make sure that my wallet is in my purse.

He nods yes and as soon as I open the front door I bump into someone.

"Sorry," I mumble, "I wasn't expecting to bump into someone as I open my front door." God, why do I always ramble?

"Well, last time I checked, Nathan and Haley were the ones that lived here."

Shit, I recognize that voice. "Jake…"

"Brooke Davis," he then hugs me. I instinctively hug him back, but its tense and frigid and not at all normal. We stare at each other and finally Jamie clears his throat. I'm betting that it was 50 percent to save my ass from the awkwardness and 50 percent to make his presence known.

"Um, Jake, this is my godson Jamie. Jamie this is Jake." That's a considerably short introduction, but it'll do.

"I know you, you're the dude that crashed Uncle Lucas' wedding." At hearing this, a knot forms in my stomach.

Jake looks at his feet and I do the same, "He didn't crash it, Jamie…I invited him."

I tell him that everyone's in the living room and to head inside.

"Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!" I mutter as soon as the door closes behind Jake…

"Mom doesn't like it when I say that." says Jamie

"I know handsome, my bad." I say putting on a fake smile. I'm going to need to smile my ass off if I plan to make it through this trip intact.

_-oo-_

_George Bernard Shaw_ _once wrote: "It is a curious sensation: the sort of pain that goes mercifully beyond our powers of feeling. When your heart is broken, your boats are burned: nothing matters anymore."_

I decided to be a gentleman and go out for my own beer today…well, scratch that. I ran out on Peyton while she was in the bathroom. Not exactly gentlemanly behavior, but who cares?

No one. I thought so. I don't care anymore so why should she, or anybody for that matter.

I haven't gone to the market in a while. Aisle after aisle everything is so organized. I find it weird that a fucking market is more put together than my own damn life.

Beer? Check

Hmm, Juice? Check

Those Pringles look good…something to snack on? Check

Might as well get some sodas too. I don't really want to share my beer with Peyton and if I complain about it we'll just end up in yet another argument. I swear it's like we're three-year-olds who can't get along.

Now, what to get, Coke or Pepsi? Oh, the complexity to which my life has been narrowed down to.

"I say we take the bottles because they're bigger than the cans. And they look cooler, too." At hearing her voice, I look up to make sure I'm not imagining it. I'm not. She's here.

Her voice is a little bit raspier and she looks even more beautiful than she did before, if that's at all possible.

Jamie's here too. He's gotten taller.

They haven't noticed I'm here yet. I'm, like, less than five feet away and _she_ hasn't noticed. I need to say something awesome. I haven't seen her in three years so I should have a pretty kick ass opening line.

"Brooke," oh yeah, that rocked. She'll definitely forgive me for being a dick now.

"Lucas," says Jamie as he walks over to me. I guess I'm not exactly 'Uncle Luke' anymore. He shakes my hand awkwardly. There was a time when he would've hugged me.

We stand in awkward silence until Jamie breaks it, "Well, I'm going to go pay for these." He then grabs Brooke's purse and heads over to the register leaving us alone.

"How've you been Brooke?" I ask trying to not make this any more awkward.

"You know, good, you?" she asks politely

"I…I've missed you." I admit oh so sadly.

"Really?" she asks sounding genuinely surprised to hear that.

Yeah, I've missed you. I've also been feeling like shit about the fact that _I_ was the one who drove you away. I was an ass and I'm sorry. "Yes," I thought it better to shorten my original answer.

"Do you wanna go for a walk?" I ask her, "You, me and J-Luke. Just like old times." Just like before I messed everything up.

"Um, I'd love to, but we have to get back." She says with an apologetic look, "Jul –uh, everyone's expecting us back at the house soon."

"Of course, of course," I get it. I wouldn't want to go out with me either.

"But, um, how about tomorrow?" she asks

"Really?" Now I'm the one sounding genuinely surprised. I also sound slightly hopeful.

"Yeah, just call me. I haven't changed my cell." She replies with my favorite dimpled smile.

Jamie then comes over with the bags and they go.

-oo-

_Antoine de Saint–Exupery once wrote: "Grownups never understand anything on their own__, and it is tiresome for children to be always and forever explaining things to them__." _

I don't know about grownups in general, but my gang of grownups seems to be clueless about the most obvious things.

"Do you think Uncle Lucas will come to dinner?" I ask Aunt Brooke as we get into the car.

"Um, I think your mom said something about him and Peyton coming, so probably." She mutters kind of incoherently.

"Are you gonna go out with him tomorrow?"

"Uh, yeah, I think so. I mean, do you think I shouldn't? Its probably going to be weird, so maybe I should just avoid it…" she continues rambling about how it'd be best for her to just stay in the house with Uncle J and something about 'not rocking the boat'…she's not exactly making much sense at this point.

See what I mean. She thinks she did something wrong and that Lucas hasn't forgiven her.

"I think you should go." I say cutting her ramble off.

"What?" she asks me confused

"On the date with Lucas." I clarify, "I think it'd give you closure."

She laughs at hearing this, "You know you're 8 going on 30, right?" she asks me smiling

I nod. She shouldn't be so surprised. I've been her underage shrink since I was four.

"I think Uncle Lucas likes you." I state matter-of-factly. She opens her mouth a few times, but closes it before saying anything. Finally she manages to utter a question, "Why?"

"Because he's just been _sad_ since you've been gone." I reply, "I think you'd be good together. You're good fro him."

"I thought you liked Julian." She says as more a question than a statement.

"I do, I remember when you told me he passed the Jamie Test."

"_Why was Uncle Lucas so mad at me?" I asked Aunt Brooke as she tucked me in. _

"_Oh, babe, no. He wasn't mad at you." She says as she snuggles up next to me, "He just…doesn't like Julian."_

"_Well…I like him." I say with a shrug._

_She smiles, "That's good because I have a secret to tell you."_

"_What?" I ask excitedly._

"_Julian is kind of my boyfriend now." She states, "And you are the first person I've told."_

"_That's cool, but why me?" I ask confused._

"_Because I want you to like the guy I'm dating. He has to pass the Jamie Test before things can get serious."_

_I laugh, "What happens if I don't approve?"_

"_Well, I don't exactly kick him to the curve, but I really trust your judgment. So, it matters a lot to me that you do approve."_

The rest of the ride goes on quietly. When we get home, she stops me before we get to the door. "Can you, uh, not tell anyone about Lucas and me and the…_date_?" she asks me.

I shrug while shaking my head in a disapproving way, "Sure, anything for you, Aunt Brooke."

_-oo-_

_William Ralph Inge once wrote: "Events in the past may be roughly divided into those which probably never happened and those which do not matter."_

That's how I see the past. It shouldn't matter. The mistakes you've made shouldn't define you forever. Some of the people in Tree Hill could really benefit from believing that.

I should've gone with Brooke to the market. It's weird being here without her.

"I thought you had a kid." I say to Jake. Not exactly smooth, but we've been sitting in a Twilight Zone like silence for the past half hour.

"I do, she's with my parents. They hadn't seen her in while, so she's staying there today." He explains.

"Where the hell are Brooke and Jamie?" asks Nathan.

"Babe, we're back!" calls Brooke from the front door answering his question.

"Hey, Dimples, took you long enough. I was about to send the search party." I say motioning for her to sit by me. She gives me a kiss as she takes her spot on my lap

"There was a long line." Says Jamie.

Jake then stands and grabs the Cokes from Haley, "Take a break, Haley. I can handle it."

"No, Jake, you're our guest." She protests. Finally, they compromise on making them together. That leaves me, Brooke, Nathan, Robbie and Jamie alone.

Another silence starts to fall upon us, and I decide to break it before it settles. I'm not comfortable with uncomfortable silences. "So, what'd you ask Santa for?" I ask Robbie.

"A _Wii_ like yours." He replies smiling.

"Well, I happen to be one of Santa's elves so I'll totally hook you up." I explain proudly. The munchkins shouldn't really have to suffer our awkwardness.

He jumps up and down excitedly, "Did you hear that, daddy! Uncle J knows Santa!"

"He does? Maybe he'll hook me up with a new car." Says a smirking Nathan. Who's the smartass now?

"Relax, Scott. We got it back in one piece." Says Brooke as she tosses him the keys and focuses her attention back on Jamie, "What about you, Jamie? What do you want?"

He pouts while pondering the question and I laugh, "The new Play Station 4, the new Rock Band and a guitar so I can play like mom does."

"That's a long list, mini J. I'll have to put a call in to Santa ASAP." I say with a wink.

"Root Beer Floats are ready outside." Says Jake. Robbie and Jamie dart after him faster than The Flash and Nate follows.

Brooke turns to me, and smiles awkwardly. Something's up, I can tell. I know my girl.

"What's wrong?" I ask her

"Nothing," she replies quickly. A little too quickly

"We bumped into Peyton yesterday." I figure that if I go first then maybe she'll talk. I know Tree Hill has never brought out her communicative side, "She looked kind of messed up."

"Oh," she whispers. She looks at her feet before speaking again, "I was thinking we should go Christmas shopping tomorrow. Hales and I take her car and you, Nate and Jake take Nate's. Sam can baby-sit."

She's trying to change the subject. I could push her on it, but I'm gonna let it slide. We've only been here a day and a half, and I don't want her to feel more pressured than she needs to be. She's nervous enough already.

"Sounds good to me." With the planning of this trip I totally spaced on getting her a present for this year. "So tell me gorgeous, you been naughty or nice?" I ask with my mischievous grin trying to get her to relax once more

She cocks an eyebrow at me, "You know the answer to that one." Will you look at that? I got her smiling again.

_-oo-_

_Someone once wrote: "Maybe the past is like an anchor holding us back. Maybe, you have to let go of who you are to become who you will be."_

The past…man, the past has been a fucking anvil dragging my ass deeper and deeper. I've been struggling to let go and move on and be a better person, but I swear to _GOD_ that the past isn't what's been holding me back.

Lucas has been holding me back…we've been holding each other back. Both of us holding on to what could have been instead of dealing with what is. We worked so hard to avoid having to deal with each other that now we don't know how to be together anymore.

"Peyton," I hear him call, "I'm back."

"Where were you?" I ask.

"Market," he says waving a paper bag, "I got you some Cokes."

"I would've gone with you, you know?" I say.

"I ran into Brooke." He says as he opens a beer, "We're going to the park tomorrow."

That kind of caught me off guard. I don't know if he's saying it so I'll know or if he's looking to evoke some sort of reaction from me, or if he's just talking to fill the silence.

When I say nothing he speaks again "Is that okay?"

I stand up and pull something out of my top drawer, "You're a grown man Lucas. You don't need my permission to do things." I sigh, "And I don't need yours." I say as I put the papers in front of him.

"What's this?" he asks without really looking at them.

"Divorce papers, I had them drafted a few months ago." This brings out no reaction from him. He just sits there drinking his beer while staring blankly ahead, "This marriage has been over almost as soon as it began and I can't keep fighting for something you have no interest in fighting for, so here it is. Sign on the dotted line and we're done. We can finally stop holding each other back."

He finally looks up at me. His eyes blank and showing no emotion. I grab my coat and open the door, "Merry Christmas Lucas. I hope you find something you want to fight for."

The second the door closes behind me I know it's over. No turning back now. Seeing that my marriage is over I should be sad, but I just feel…_free_.

Now, it's only three o'clock in the afternoon, so on to a new issue: where the fuck am I gonna sleep tonight?

**TBC**


	4. Regrets, Reason & Love

**AN: **In this chapter you get find out what happened that made Lucas and Peyton despise each other. You also see how that affected Brooke and Lucas' relationship (or lack there of) at the time. Also, a shout out to nina, sunshine & diane since I can't reply to their reviews.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own the characters of One Tree Hill. I am merely using them to amuse myself (and hopefully you, too)

* * *

**Which To Bury: Us Or The Hatchet?**

_Regrets, Reason & Love  
December 22__nd_

_-oo-_

_Dennis O'Neal once wrote: "Because sometimes the truth isn't good enough. Sometimes, people deserve more."_

You know, sitting here in Tree Hill's cheapest motel room and eating the cheapest thing from the vending machine, I can't believe I'm up this early. I'd forgotten there was five o'clock other than the one in the afternoon.

Since I can't sleep, I've been going over my failed marriage and, well, failed life in general in my head. I have to say I no longer believe that the problem is that people always leave.

The problem is that people always lie. Moreover, if you lie enough you make it so that others don't like it when you finally tell them the truth. I mean, Lucas and I lied to Brooke when we were sneaking around the first time around. Then we lied about the kiss in the library. And when I finally told her about my feelings for Lucas, our whole friendship crumbled.

Then five years after that, I lied and everyone crumbled.

"_Peyton!" groans Jake as he tries to get me to stand still and talk to him, "Come on, you're married! You have to tell him."_

"_No, I don't!" I yell, "He doesn't need to know! No one does!" I don't want to admit it._

"_Yes, he does. I'm making an ass out of myself, crashing your wedding on Brooke's pity invite and trying to talk some sense into you because he needs to know the truth." He says keeping his voice steady, but not yelling, "You need to tell him, Peyton. He's isolated himself from everyone so he can find out what's going on with you."_

_Tears start to roll down my face and finally look at Jake, "If I…" I whisper, "If I tell him it'll be my fault."_

_He walks over to me and grabs my face making it feel small and delicate in his hands, "Hey, hey," he whispers locking eyes with me, "This things just happen sometimes. No reason necessary. It always sucks and it is never ever fair, but it is not your fault." He assures me._

"_But I lost her, Jake. I lost the baby and I couldn't," I stop and sob, "I can't tell Lucas I lost our baby."_

_And as the words leave my mouth, the door opens and Luke walks in muttering something about Brooke and Julian, but stops in a blank stare. He didn't just walk in to see his wife abnormally close to another man, and an ex-boyfriend at that. He walks in to hear he had lost a baby without ever knowing about it. _

"_Hey, Luke, this…" says Jake breaking the silence. Luke just tackles him and they start wailing on each other. Lucas punches Jake and he falls against the door, which breaks open, and he then falls on one of the tables full of guests. _

_In a matter of seconds, the fight had gotten totally out of control. Half the reception hall was destroyed and I just couldn't move. _

So, maybe if I had just told Lucas from the beginning…ugh, what's the point? No time for could've beens. If there's one thing I've learned is that you can't keep dwelling on the things you can't change.

And I keep on repeating that to myself as I push the thoughts of walking out on my marriage and open way to thinking about tonight and my semi-date with Jake. Well, we're actually just picking up Jenny from his parents' house, but still I'll take whatever I can get.

_-oo-_

_Someone once wrote: "Never regret what you've done because at some point –what you've done –was exactly what you wanted to do."_

I feel as if I'm a teenager trying to sneak out of her room. I'm not exactly sure how, but I managed to change without waking Julian up. Then again he sleeps like a rock so I guess the real test is sneaking past Haley.

Good, I made it to the kitchen. Just as I'm thinking I'm home free, I bump into something –make that _someone_.

"Robbie, hey, what're you doing up, sweetie?" I ask in a tense whisper.

"I wasn't sleepy no more." He says simply. "Where you goin'?" he asks smiling. I smile back. He looks so cute in his little footsie pajamas.

"I'm going out for coffee with…" I pause to find the right word, "A friend." Yeah, that sums it up…

"Can I go?" His are eyes wide with excitement and he's making a smiley pout that's hard to say no to. I really shouldn't have taught him the pout. Even I'm powerless to it.

"Well," If I say no he might wake up someone and tell on me. But he'd do that when we came back anyways. Either way I'm caught, "Sure, let's leave mommy a note so she doesn't worry." I sigh in defeat as I search for a pen in my purse.

"I go get dressed!" he squeals loudly, but I grab him before he reaches the stairs.

"It's okay, you can go like that. Just grab your coat and I'll carry you." If he runs upstairs jumping around he'll wake_ everybody_ up. Thank godthe idea of going out in pajamas excites him and he quickly agrees to it. We get in the car and head out to Peach Street where Lucas' message said to meet him.

The day's beautiful and the drive's short. Lucas was waiting for me right under the street sign, so he was hard to miss. I roll down the window and he leans in, "I thought we were walking to the park." It comes out more like a question than a statement.

"Yeah, but I kind of got an extra guest." I explain pointing to the backseat where Robbie's strapped in his car seat.

"Uncle Luke!" he clearly doesn't share Jamie's aversion towards Lucas.

"Hey Robbie K." he says with a smile that looks oddly comforting on his face as he opens the back door and picks him up, "Come on, I'm buying you and Aunt Brooke breakfast." He adds pointing to a little dinner behind him.

The place is empty. It's only 7 o'clock. We sit down and a waitress comes quickly.

Robbie orders pancakes and eggs without even glancing at his menu. Lucas and I peruse ours for a few seconds, "French toast," we say simultaneously. Our eyes meet and we smile.

"She'll have hers with orange juice. No pulp." He says without looking away.

I blush a little bit, but I don't look away either. "He'll have his with coffee. Black." As I say that I remember that Julian doesn't like coffee at all…I shouldn't have come here like this. Good going, Brooke.

Thing take a turn and suddenly it's nice, pleasant even. We talk about trivial stuff for a while. Work, things in LA, things in Tree Hill, he asked about Sam. We then focused on Robbie who the waitresses found 'simply adorable'. We basically discuss everything but our significant others. He doesn't ask about Julian and I don't ask about Peyton.

After almost two hours, we wear out all chitchat.

"So," he says taking a deep breath, "How're you and _Julian_ doing?"

"Engaged." I reply holding up my left hand where my engagement ring lives. I don't know why I blurt it out like that. I guess it's because I want to be…_honest_.

Of course, _now_ I'm seriously regretting that choice. Last time he saw Julian and me together as a couple it ended badly. Of course I can't really blame him for that.

_As Julian discards my bra I _know_ doing it here is a mistake. I mean, Lucas and Peyton's wedding reception is going on outside and I'm mounting Julian on the pool table. _

_Still, his lips crashing into mine feel so_ good_ and he's doing that sucking thing in my neck that I can't say no to, so I am easily swayed into it. Mmm, that feels good…did we even lock the door?_

"_Brooke!" Shit! I freeze at hearing Lucas' voice. He sounds pissed. I guess we_ didn't_ lock the door. _

_I jump off Julian pulling my dress up and turn to face Lucas. His clear blue eyes seemed to darken as he realized what he walked in on. I feel my dress slip and silently thank Julian for holding it up._

"_Hey Luke," says Julian breaking the silence. I see Lucas' hands ball up into tight fists and I know this won't end well._

His eyes seemed to darken as he saw it, they seemed oddly familiar, so I looked away from them and down to my hands. When he says nothing I glance out the window. Suddenly, the day doesn't look so beautiful anymore. And this…well, this isn't so nice orpleasant anymore.

_-oo-_

_William Shakespeare once wrote: "And yet, to say the truth, reason and love keep little company together nowadays."_

_Engaged_. The word unhinged me at the seams and seeing the ring on her finger finished tearing me apart. Brooke isn't just Brooke anymore. She is engaged. Julian isn't just another guy. Another boyfriend. Julian is her fiancé.

When Peyton laid out the papers in front of me, I felt nothing. Same thing I've been feeling for the last three years. An uncanny emptiness that I could not and cannot put into words. I've always had my hero complex. It fueled me, but when I wasn't needed to be Brooke's hero –not that I saved her like I once promised I would –but when I lost the right to be _that_ guy, it broke me.

'At least you can cling on to Peyton.' I thought to myself at the time, but soon enough I found that she too had gotten herself another hero.

"_Jake knew!" I scream, pretty aware that my voice probably carries itself and that all the wedding guests, if there's still any left, can hear us, "You told him, but not me! How the hell could you do that to me, Peyton?"_

"_I'm sorry!" she says, her voice pleading. Tears now flowing down her face, "I am _so_ sorry!"_

"_Well sorry doesn't change anything!" I yell once more. Anyone hearing this must be enjoying a soap opera worthy fight, "This, this is your fault and I'm…I just…I can't let this go. I can't just forget this. This whole thing was a mistake." _

_I say with full certainty of my words._

"_No…" she says in a faltering voice between sobs, "I just…I want to be us again. I love _you_, Lucas." _

_I don't know _what_ I feel anymore, but it sure as hell doesn't feel like love._

At that moment, I realized that I didn't need to save anyone. I didn't need to do anything at all. I was, and still am, useless. And, in a drunken fit, I took it out on her when I shouldn't have.

"_How could you not have known?!" I yell at her, "What kind of friend are you!"_

"_Lucas, calm down!" she yells back, "I didn't know. She didn't tell me. She was living with you, _you_ should've noticed! Why are you taking all this out on me anyway?"_

"_Because you've been sleeping around with Julian like a cheap slut!" I scream right in her face, "If you could keep your legs closed for a minute maybe you wouldn't have been so busy and maybe you would've noticed something!"_

_She slaps me leaving a red handprint on my cheek. I can feel it burning and stinging. Brooke's looking at me with anger and loathing, "Don't you dare." She says, her voice raspier than usual, "This was not my fault. None of this is. And don't you dare call me a slut. I am not a slut and I did nothing wrong here. You got engaged, you got married, you moved on, so don't you dare insult me for doing the same, you insensitive self-righteous asshole." _

"_Why are you with him, Brooke?" I ask, "Why him? He's a dick. He came back for Peyton. Do you really want to settle for being somebody's second pick?"_

_She slaps me again, this time even harder. Her hand slips and she scratches me with her nails and leaves another mark on my face. "I am not his second pick!" she shouts, "I know it's hard for you to believe that someone would want me over Peyton, but I am just as good as her. I am not his second pick. And you know how I can tell? Because you made me feel like a second pick. You always put Peyton first, she was always there and you always had to save her, which left me to save myself. You were distant and you pushed me away. You never rescued me. That made me feel like a second pick. Julian has never made me feel like that."_

"_Brooke…" I mutter realizing that I've just dumped all over her._

"_And I get it. I wasn't good enough for you, right? Well, guess what, this –_she gesticulates between us_ –is over. You can back to whatever. I'm tired of letting you treat me like this. Oh, and you want to talk about not noticing things, about being too busy to see what's going on with the people around you. Look in the damn mirror. Because how the hell could you not have known how much of a mess I was a few months ago? What kind of a friend were you then? Where were you when I got the shit beaten out of me or when I lost Sam or when I almost shot the son of a bitch who beat me up? Where the hell were you?!" she asks while glaring at me with revulsion, "You know what, it doesn't matter. Get the hell out of my house."_

_At this point words fail me. I didn't know what to say. It's like I can't form a sentence. So, instead, I punch a wall as I walk out and slam the door all the while knowing that she's right. I am a self-righteous asshole._

If I'd known that, that was the last time I would see Brooke Davis before she left Tree Hill I wouldn't have left like that. A couple of days later Haley brought me a letter from her saying goodbye.

Now that she and Julian are going to be...I can't even say it. I missed my chance. I won't get to be her hero again. I don't get to try and save her anymore.

Now, the waitress comes to refill my coffee. She notices the tension between Brooke and me and then turns to Robbie. She offers to take him to the counter for some more pancakes and I tell her sure. Maybe this would go better without an audience.

When I look back at Brooke, she's looking back at me too.

"Congratulations." I say dryly.

"Thanks," she whispers.

Her eyes look somewhat scared now. It's me she's scared of, my reaction to this. I honestly don't know what my reaction to this is. I mean, it's obviously not good, but I'd like to think I'm, at least, _pretending_ to keep it together…though I have no idea what I look like to her.

"How's Peyton?" I can't help to scoff a little at hearing her ask that. Leave it up to Brooke to fill my uncomfortable silence with an uncomfortable question.

"I…don't know." I reply honestly. I figure that's the one thing we lack...or rather I lack towards her.

"Oh," she replies with a small roll of her eyes. I gave her an ambiguous answer so she clearly didn't get it.

"We're getting divorced." I explain, "I just have to sign on the dotted line."

Her mouth opens in surprise. Her smooth red lips forming a perfect 'O'. "What about you, when's the wedding?" as soon as the question leaves my mouth I know I don't want to know the answer.

"We don't know yet. We've only been engaged for, like, a month." I don't know if that makes me feel better or worse. Oh, and she's a '_we'_ now. That's just awesome.

"How'd he propose?" I keep asking things I don't want to know, but I feel like I should know. Ugh, I don't know why I'm acting like such a masochist right now.

"Um, he caught me off guard because I wasn't expecting the proposal. I wasn't even paying that much attention when he did it until he was down on one knee." She's rambling at full-on Brooke speed, but I can understand every word, each one ripping more painfully through me.

"He said that he could see forever with me and then he gave me the ring and said a line from a song: 'Someday, somebody's gonna to ask you a question that you should say yes to once in your life. Maybe tonight I've got a question for you.'"

Shit…that proposal was good. I was so totally it would've been lame or stolen from a movie or something. The smile on her face as she says this is more than I can bear. I stand up and take a deep breath. "I should get back. I'm guessing they're missing us over there and I left Haley a cryptic note so I don't want her to think I nanny Carrie-d Rob." she says before heading over to the counter to grab him.

I nod and walk them back to the car in silence. As I finish strapping Robbie up in his car seat I take another glance at Brooke, "Can we do this again sometime," I plead, "Soon."

She smiles, "Sure, call me." I nod and watch her as she drives off.

What the hell am I doing? She's engaged. I'm not even officially divorced. Suddenly, I feel abnormally jealous. I never liked her with Julian, but this is different. I want her to be with me and nobody else. I don't want to share her.

-oo-

_Oscar Wilde once wrote: "There's always one who loves and one who lets himself be loved."_

I'm kind of wondering if I should be worried that Brooke isn't picking up her phone. I mean, I'm sure nothing's wrong, but maybe I _should_ worry. Then again, I'm already pretty worried over if I should be worried so…

Eh, if nothing else I can work myself into a very respectable huff.

"Rematch!" says Jamie, "I am so going to kick your ass this time."

"Don't say ass." Scolds Haley automatically, never looking up from her magazine.

I snort and wink at Jamie and stick my tongue out at Haley. Of course, _now_ she's looking. "And you do_ not_ do that to your mother." I say in my best mock serious tone only to get Hales' magazine thrown to the back of my head.

"I swear I can't let you anywhere near my kids without having you turn into a five year old." She says with a small glare.

"Oh, that's not fair, mom. I was way more mature than Uncle J when I was five." Says Jamie smirking.

"Hey! Hey!" I squeal in a manly way, "Who says I have to be near kids to act like that?"

As we start to get into what I'm sure would have been a profound debate about my mental age Robbie comes running into the living room.

"Momma, momma! We're back!" he says jumping into Haley's lap.

"Hey hon, sorry I'm late. I thought we'd be back earlier." Says Brooke as she sits next to Jamie.

"It's cool," I with a grin, "Where were you two at?"

"Yeah, I was beginning to think you pulled a Nanny Carrie on Robbie." Says Haley jokingly.

Before Brooke can say anything Robbie answers for her. "We saw Uncle Lucas!" he says smiling. I notice Brooke looking away from me at hearing him. Brooke saw Lucas…she spent, like, three hours alone with him today. Well, not alone. Rob was there, but he's three years old and he's easily distracted.

I get cut off before I even start. "Are you shitting me?" asks Sam, who walked in with Jake right in time to hear the punch line of the conversation.

Brooke gives her a pointed look, to which she just shrugs. A short silence sets only to be broken by Nathan "What'd I miss?"

I honestly don't know. Apparently, I missed a whole shit-load while I was sleeping. I mean, I'm not really worried. I trust Brooke, but Lucas… well, he's never been any good at keeping it in his pants.

"Sam," says Haley standing up and handing her Robbie, "We're going to leave now. You have our cell numbers so you can call us if anything happens and don't let them get into the cookie jar because they will get hopped up sugar and turn into little energizer bunnies on crack." She's doing her mom thing trying to defuse the problem before it even starts.

"Don't burn the place down, Sammy Sam." I say as I rush past her to follow Brooke outside. I get her just as she's about to enter the car.

"Hey, what was that about, babe?" I ask while gently grabbing her arm so she'll look at me.

She lets out a long sigh before answering me, "Okay, look, I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I just…I wasn't even sure I'd go, but then I did and…ugh, I'm sorry."

I smile at her, "Brooke, I don't care that you saw Lucas."

"Y-you don't?" she asks confused and no longer avoiding my eyes.

"Well, don't get me wrong. I don't love you going out with other guys, but I trust you. You're my fiancée and…I knew coming back here you'd have to face all the problems we ran away from." She's looking at me as if I where about to burst out with anger, but I don't. I just kiss her lightly on the lips.

"That simple?" she asks me in disbelief.

"Babe, we've been together for almost five years and you still haven't figured out I'm not the jealous type?" I ask while confidently wrapping my arms around her waist.

She smiles, "You know you're the perfect guy, right?" she asks wrapping her arms around my neck in return.

"Eh, I'm pretty good. Just hoping all this good behavior will earn me an extra cool present this year."

"Well, you've been naughty in all the good ways and nice when the occasion called for it. I see no reason for you to get a crappy present." She says teasingly.

"So I should expect something good?" I ask gladly returning to my usual cocky self.

Before she can answer me, Haley drags her away instructing that I'm shopping with the boys and Brooke's with her. I salute her with a semi-serious face, "Sir, yes sir."

She gives me a contemptuous but I just laugh which seemed to make her angrier at me.

As we ride over to the mall Jake and Nathan argue inanely over the radio. When that gets old they turn their attention to me. "So, are you really that cool about the Brooke going out with Lucas thing?" asks Jake

Truthfully, I was kind of put off by at first, but only for a second. I knew Brooke would have to see him at some point and I just decided not to let it faze me. "She told me about it and she was honest. I'm not overjoyed about it, but I won't let it ruin my time here with her."

Nathan just sneers at me, "Dude, that's bull. You have to be at least a little bothered by it."

"I'll level with you, Nate." I say with a smug tone, "Do I like Lucas? Not really, he's a tool. Am I insecure enough to let the fact that Brooke had breakfast with him exasperate me? No." I finish poignantly, this time my tone bordering on arrogant.

_-oo-_

_Ralph Waldo Emerson once wrote: "What you do speaks so loudly that I cannot hear what you say."_

"Okay, spill!" I say as I slap Brooke's arm. She managed to avoid talking during the car ride and we've hit a few stores so she doesn't have any excuse to dodge my questions anymore.

"Ugh, Hales, there's nothing to spill." She says with a groan.

I respond with a scoff, "You took my three year old son on a three hour date with Lucas." that's clearly _something_.

"Okay, it was not a date. I am with Julian, and Robbie was there the whole time."

"Yes, but this is_ Lucas_." she stares at me vaguely, "The guy you made me lie to about your relationship with Julian for almost a year while they were doing the movie. Your ex-boyfriend who's always had a weird vibe with you. The guy who's disliked most of your other boyfriends…Lucas!"

"Well, firstly, I didn't make you lie. I asked you to give me some time. Secondly, there is no vibe. Thirdly, my dating choices might not have been the best at times, but he didn't hate Chase." She explains as her defense, "And, yeah, he's Lucas. And I'm Brooke and you're Haley. Stop saying his name like it has some huge meaning."

"Sweetie, nobody really cared about Chase. He was actually kind of dull. And Lucas hated Felix, well, we all hated him, but that's not the point. He never really approved of Owen and he_ really_ doesn't like Julian." I sigh, "But its not about them, its about you two and the fact that when you two blew up, you felt like you had to leave Tree Hill."

She looks away from me now. "Have you ever thought about why that is? Why when he didn't want you here was when you felt you had no reason to stay anymore?"

"That's not what happened and you know it, Hales." She says.

"I honestly don't know anything, Brooke. That's why I'm asking. Did you leave because it was the right thing for you, Sam, and Julian? Or was it because you didn't like what you felt around Lucas after what happened at the wedding? The way he treated you?" I ask, "Was it me or Nathan? Just talk to me."

"It was _all _of it, Haley. I needed to break free from all the crap that went down between me, Lucas, and Peyton so that I could make myself a life. I needed to stop feeling that Lucas was looking at me like I was a whore every time we were in the same room just because I moved on and started dating Julian. I needed for him to stop taking his shit out on me." she says gesturing frantically, "I needed you to stop trying to fix everything because this wasn't fixable. And you knew that from the moment you walked in on us."

_All hell's broken loose at the reception. I enter the changing room looking for Brooke so she can help me calm things down. _

"_Where'd my bra fall?" she asks Julian as they both finish dressing themselves._

"_Brooke!" I yell, "Goddamn it, what is wrong with you?"_

_She opens her mouth, but I cut her off, "I need you out there! Lucas is fighting with Jake and no one can separate them, Peyton's locked herself in the bathroom and refuses to come out, and Nathan got knocked out. Mouth's taking Robbie and Jamie home." _

"_Hal –"_

"_Don't." I say furiously, "You shouldn't have invited Jake here, you shouldn't have been doing this…you shouldn't be here at all."_

This time it's me who looks away. She's right. I didn't talk to her. I just jumped right into mom mode. I yelled at her and then tried to force things back to normal. "I'm sorry you felt like that, Brooke." I say knowing fairly well that it won't fix anything.

"Let's just...go back to getting the presents. I got Nate those sneakers you said, Sam that new iPod, Julian an electric guitar he's had his eye on for a while and I got that The Cure album for Jake. What do you got?" she asks smiling

"Well, Jamie and Robbie's gifts are already stashed at the house. I got took a page from Karen's book and bound some of Sam's short stories for her, I got Julian a new guitar case, which I guess goes with your gift. Jake got a gift certificate from the music store and Nathan a sweater." I say as I re-check my bags.

"You can't get Nate a sweater." She protests.

"Why not? It's silk." I say as I pull it out of the box to show it to her.

"Because!" she squeals, "I got Julian a guitar. That'll look really over the top next to a sweater."

"Well, you already got him the sneakers. What else is there?" I ask with a shrug.

"I don't know. Julian's buying Jamie, Peyton and you, your presents, which means I still have to get something for Robbie. So maybe we'll find something at the sports store." She says as we pick our bags up and head to the next store, "Who's Nathan buying gifts for?"

"Um, Peyton, Jenny and you." I say as I browse the basketballs.

"I made Jenny a dress and we're headed to pick Robbie's gift now. So we're done, right?" she asks as she reads her gift list over.

"Well…there's still Lucas on my list." I mumble, "I don't know if you want to buy him something."

"No, yeah, I mean –I should get him something. It's what you do for your friends, right?" she asks as she randomly picks up a football and inspects it. She puts it down and sighs, "So, I know what you need to get Nathan."

"What?" I ask a little afraid of knowing the answer.

"A new basketball hoop. He used to have one before and he's getting a little old to be hogging the one at the River Court, so he needs one."

"That…actually makes sense." I say after pondering it for a second, "Why don't you head over to the toy store while I pay for it?"

Letting Brooke go to the toy store alone was a bad idea. She ended up buying Robbie a Wii and managed to drift back to the music store to get Jamie a guitar. And that's added to whatever Julian went overboard buying.

Nonetheless, neither of those purchases surprised me. She's always spoiled her godsons. The purchase that caught me off guard was her gift for Lucas. She got him a MacBook. When I asked her about it she just said, "He's my friend, he's a writer. It's a _thoughtful_ gift."

I shrugged it off, but I gotta say, Lucas has been my best friend for a little over twenty years now and I just got him a _book_.

We meet up with the boys and head home, Brooke abnormally clingy to Julian. Not that them being gooey is weird, but it almost feels like she's trying to make a point out of being so close to him. I can't help but wonder if she's not as over Lucas as she thinks she is.

_-oo-_

_Kahlil Gibran once wrote: "When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight."_

I assure Brooke and Julian that I don't need company to pick up Jenny and then I assure Nathan and Haley that I really don't mind walking. Finally, I manage to get out of the house and I head over to the address that Peyton gave me.

I gotta say I'm a little more than surprised when I see that Peyton's address is now a motel rather than a house. Still I head over to her room and knock on her door.

She opens up wearing a classic black tank top, jeans and her old black converse. If it's at all possible, time hasn't touched her. Last time I saw her, everything was so upside down that every moment we spent was heavy and rushed.

We talk about work as we ride the elevator and when we get to the parking lot she suggest we pick Jen up in her car. We were at my parents' place in less than five minutes.

My mom flips when she sees Peyton. She always liked and admired the way Peyton was with Jenny.

"Daddy!" squeals Jenny as she runs up to me.

"Hey, there's my best girl!" I say smiling as I pick her up, "Did you behave with grandma and grandpa?" I ask.

She nods enthused and stares at Peyton, "Um, baby girl, this is my friend Peyton. She used to look after you when you were a baby." I explain.

"She's the princess from the story, the girl from your song." At hearing Jen's explanation for who Peyton is, I blush.

"Say goodbye to your grandparents and get your stuff. We're going." I say as I put her down.

She nods and turns to Peyton before heading upstairs, "Nice to meet you, Peyton." she says smiling.

Peyton smiles back and steps closer to me, "The girl from your song, huh?" she whispers in my ear.

I sigh, "You've heard it before. Don't be cocky about it."

"Yeah, but a girl still likes to know her song lives on." She says with a tone that's bordering on flirting.

"Hey ma, can you take Jen outside when she's ready? We'll wait in the car." I ask my mother. She nods and hugs me goodbye.

As we sit in the car I turn to her and ask her flat out, "What is this, Peyton? Why'd you ask me to come? You're married." And I don't want to play games.

She sighs and gives me the simplest answers, "This is us, Jake. I asked you to come because I've missed you and I have been missing you for a while. And, I'm divorced as soon as Lucas signs the papers."

Before I can say anything, my mom comes out with Jenny and buckles her up in the back seat. With her there, the conversation was put on pause and the drive to Naley's –I can't believe I just called Nathan and Haley: Naley –is considerably short.

I look back and notice Jenny's asleep, "This is us, huh?" I ask Peyton with a sigh.

"It always seems to come back to you, doesn't it?" she asks smiling and I just nod, "Will I see you tomorrow?" she adds.

"I'll call you." I say as I pick up Jen and wave goodbye. Only three days until Christmas and I already got a gift…well, kind of. It's Tree Hill. Things can get screwed up in the blink of an eye here.

**TBC**


	5. Lines, Wondering & Magic

**AN: **Well, some of you want Brucas. Some want Brulian. I don't really know yet. Um, about the end of this chapter, lets just say that I'm in an incredibly off seasonal Christmas mood (considering it's June). Read and review, dudes. You know you wanna.

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing, but wouldn't it be cool if I did?

* * *

**Which To Bury: Us Or The Hatchet?**

_Lines, Wondering & Magic  
December 23__rd_

_-oo-_

_Chris Levinson once wrote: "In the end, you always go back to the people that were there in the beginning."_

You know that whole twin telepathy thing they always do in the movies and books and stuff. Lucas and I used to have that; a kind of intuitive sixth sense that told us when we needed each other.

Over the last few years we lost that and today, well, today I woke up and it was just there again. That feeling that my best friend needed me. So I grabbed my coat, checked in on Jamie and Robbie and sneaked off to the house were I spent most of my childhood and teenage years.

I only have to knock once and Lucas answers with a relieved, but not entirely surprised, smile.

"Hales," he says with a tone I haven't heard coming from him since his wedding day.

"Hey, Luke," after a few seconds I hug him and he hugs me back and suddenly its like we fit again. He's not the hollow stranger who's been living in my best friend's body anymore. He's just my best friend again. And I've missed him.

We're sitting down silently in the living room drinking coffee. It's nice, but I can't forget that I'm not just visiting. I need to talk to him.

"So, wanna tell me what's changed in these last few days?" when the answer to that is total silence I keep on asking, "Why are you going out with Brooke? Where's Peyton? Why aren't you freezing everyone out anymore? I mean, I'm glad you're not, but I'm wondering why because it's been three years and you've been Ice Man."

"Peyton left. We're getting divorced. I, uh, I looked over the papers this morning and, after my lawyer reads them, I just have to sign." He pauses to drink some more coffee, "I'm just trying to piece myself together, Hales. And I'm sorry I've been…'Ice Man' with you. I've missed seeing you."

"I'm so sorry –" he cuts me off before I can finish

"Don't be. We haven't been right and it wasn't fair to either of us. In a way, it was a much needed wake-up call."

I bite my lower lip pensively for a second, "A wake-up call that…"

"You've always understood me better than I can understand myself. You tell me."

I sigh, "Lets not play the guessing game or tiptoe around the subject, Luke." I say seriously, "Tell me what's wrong. Tell me what's changed."

"_I'm_ trying to change, Hales." He says standing up, "I don't be that guy anymore, I want to be better. I need to be better."

"Why now, Luke?" I ask, "Because Brooke's back? Because she's marrying someone else? Because we've all moved on?"

"Why do you assume it's about Brooke?"

"I…don't know, Luke. We've been out of sync for a while now. We've changed so much that I believe we no longer know each other the way we used to." We're one step away from completely falling apart and I don't know how to help us pull ourselves together.

"I'm sorry for that. If I hadn't alienated everyone around me maybe we'd know each other better."

He has a point. I remember the last official talk that he and Nathan had. It wasn't pretty.

"_Lucas, cut the crap, man." Said Nathan, "Just give me the damn bottle."_

"_Fuck off, Nate." He muttered drunkenly_

"_Luke, come on. Let us get you home." I plead as I try to grab the tequila bottle away from him, but he just yanks his arm away violently. Turns out Patron is no man's friend. _

"_Dude, you need to get your ass home." Said Nate as he pulled him up by his jacket to drag him to the car. But once Lucas got up he just punched Nathan. It took the Chase, who was bartending, and three other guys to separate them._

"_Nathan, honey, breathe!" I yell as I push him into the car, "He's messed up. Let's go home."_

"_No, Hales –" he starts to try to get out of the car, but I hold him. _

"_The kids are waiting. You promised you'd tuck Jamie in and…I don't like leaving Robbie for a long time." I say as jump in the passenger seat, "We'll deal with this later. When you're both calm and sober."_

"_Hey, I'm sober." He clarifies_

_I rub his back and smile, "I know, babe. I meant him."_

Little did I know that by later I meant three years because we never really touched the subject again. I immediately shake those thoughts out of my head and focus back on my talk with Lucas _now_.

"Don't change the subject." I say curtly, "Four years ago I asked you to stop hiding your heart. I'm not asking now, I'm telling you. These stupid games need to stop and, before you do anything, you need to know what you want. And what you're willing to risk to get it."

I look at my watch. It's almost seven. "I have to go. Everyone's home and I want to make breakfast and make sure everything's ready for tomorrow night." I say as I stand up and Lucas walks me to the door.

"Come tomorrow for the dinner. Your nephews want to see you and everyone's going to be there."

"I will." He assures me and I go home hoping that everyone is still asleep and I can just slip back in unnoticed.

_-oo-_

_Erma Bombeck once wrote: "There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt."  
_

I swear there is something about Tree Hill that makes it impossible for me to get a good night's sleep…okay, Julian's partly to blame for that, but still. I'm up at 8:30 and that's just weird.

"Morning, Tigger," says Haley with a smile

"Morning, Tutor Mom," I reply as I sit in a stool

She looks at me up and down and scoffs, "Hope you left some clothes behind for Julian."

I look down and realize I'm wearing Julian's shirt and boxers. It's become kind of a habit, "Ha, ha, very funny." I reply sarcastically, "Look at all this food. Martha Stewart would be proud." I say teasing her back

"Don't mock! There's eight people here and nobody wants the same stuff." She says in a whiny tone, "You try cooking for that many picky eaters."

"Eh, you know Nathan hasn't let me cook at his house since the great _almost_ fire of 2004." I reply as I grab a handful of Cheerios.

"Hey, gorgeous, anyone ever tell you, you look good in my shirt?" asks Julian as he wraps his arms around my waist and gives me a kiss, "Why you up so early? I thought I wore you out last night."

"I'm like the Energizer Bunny, babe. I go on and on." I reply with a dirty grin

"Really? 'Cause we have some time before breakfast…" he starts, but gets cut off.

"No, you don't." states Haley, "And put some ice on it, Jenny and Jamie are up." She adds pointing behind us, "No need to give them something to imitate this early on."

I scoff once more, "Please, they've probably already caught you and Nathan going at it. I've walked in on you lots of times. One was in the kitchen counter."

She tosses me a handful of Cheerios and tells me that I get to clean them up. Then, the guys start fooling around and Jenny and I set the table. In a matter of seconds we were eating and discussing the plans for tomorrow's big dinner. Mouth and Mill aren't coming because they got snowed in at her mom's place and there's still no word from Rachel.

"Mmm, Peyton's coming." Says Jake

We all exchange weird looks and, with the exception of the kids talking, the rest of the meal goes on quietly. When we're done, Jake and I volunteer to do cleanup and Sam, Nate and Julian volunteer to entertain the kids so Hales can organize the gifts.

I decide to simply and bluntly ask Jake if he and Peyton are back together now. I could tiptoe around it, but I'd rather not. I'd like to think we're beyond that.

He laughs awkwardly and says, "I don't know, Brooke. I'm threading lightly. She's just getting divorced now and, even though in many ways this feels like it's been almost eleven years coming, it also feels sudden and I just don't want to rush into anything."

I sigh as I take in everything he's just said. I ponder it all for a second. Finally I tell him to ask her if she'd like to stay here for Christmas.

"You sure?" he asks me.

Not really, but she and I have drifted from each other and, like always, the 'bigger person' in me knows that no one should be alone on Christmas so I assure him that I am. He nods and another awkward silence sets in, "Now lets go. I'm the only person here who knows how to properly wrap presents and Haley's at it alone." I say as I push him into the living room.

Two and a half hours later and I am done wrapping all the presents for Jamie, Robbie, Sam and Julian. Haley handled Nathan and Lucas, and Jake handled Jenny and Peyton.

"Well, the guys just have to wrap our presents." I say, "But other than that, everything's done."

"Please, you know Nathan sucks at that." says Haley, "He'll probably make Julian do it."

"Probably." Says Jake laughing.

My phone starts to vibrate. It's a text message from Luke. '_Need help buying gifts 4 J and Rob. Meet me the mall?_'

I know Nathan wouldn't approve. Haley wouldn't either. It's unfair to Julian in every way. All logic tells me to text him that I'm too busy, but instead I type, '_Meet u there in 10._'

"Hales, I, uh, have to go out." I say hurriedly, "But I'll meet you at the grocery store at 12:30." She gives me a look, "One o'clock at the latest." I promise her as I grab my purse and rush out.

Shit. The mall's too far to walk it. "I took Nathan's Hummer!" I yell as I swipe the keys from the coffee table.

I hear Haley say something like, 'Fine, but you know he'll be pissed' or something along those lines, but I chose to ignore it and speed off.

_Don't you forget about me  
I'll be alone, dancing, you know it, baby  
Going to take you apart  
I'll put us back together at heart, baby_

I hear my phone ringing.

I look at the screen, reading **'**_**MY **__**STONER**_**'**, already knowing who it is by the ring tone. "Hey, sweetie." I say as I pick up, "How are you?"

"Missing you, actually." He says and I feel a huge knot form in my stomach

"Yeah," I mutter, "I miss you, too."

"Well, are you guys done with wrapping the stuff," he says, "Because Nate and I have to go wrap ours."

"Uh, yeah, Haley and Jake are stashing them now. I'm actually headed to the mall to get something." It's half true…I shake it off and decide to come clean. I'd want full honesty from him, "Um, Lucas wants some help picking out some gifts for Jamie and Robbie. Is that cool with you? I mean, that I go with him."

He takes what feels like the world's longest pause ever before answering, "Um, yeah, I guess. I mean, Haley will have to hold court with the kids while we do our wrapping." He says, "But other than that it should be okay."

I feel guiltier by the second and I don't know why. I didn't lie. I told him the whole truth so I'm not doing anything wrong.

"Yeah, really? Well, um, I'll see you later, then. Hales and I have to go to the market afterwards." I say trying to muster up a casual tone

"Okay, I'll see you." He says, "Call me when you're coming home, though."

"I will," I say, "Love you."

"Love you more, Dimples." He assures me with his usual overconfident manner before hanging up

Why am I doing this? It's Christmas. I should try to make sure things go smoothly rather than help them get messed up.

_-oo-_

_Jim Rohn once wrote: "The worst thing one can do is not to try, to be aware of what one wants and not give in to it, to spend years in silent hurt wondering if something could have materialized –never knowing."_

I shaved, I changed my shirt five times, I tried on four pairs of jeans and I spiked my hair ten different ways before coming here. Hell, I almost shaved it off just to try a different look. I feel like a dumb high school kid again trying to fix myself up before a big date…except this is not a date. This is barely an outing. She's probably coming out of pity and because she's Brooke. She always does the right thing to help others, even if it ends up hurting her.

I spot her and wave. She uncomfortably waves back and walks over. I hug her and breathe her in. She smells good. "Hey, thanks for coming."

"Sure," she replies with a dimpled smile, "I only have a little while, tough. I promised Hales I'd go with her to the market."

I nod, "Well, then, let's get to it." I say as I extend my arm out to her. She looks at me, doubt filling her eyes only for a second, before linking her arm with mine. I smile once more, "So, where we headed? Toy store, video game store, clothes, books?"

She laughs, "Definitely video games. Santa got him Jamie and Robbie a PS4 and a Wii. They'll like a lot of games to play." She says, "We can hit a clothing store for me when we're done."

I laugh, "Anything you want," I pause for a second because my natural thought is calling her Pretty Girl, but I know she wouldn't want me to do that now. So I bite my tongue and say Brooke instead.

We hit a Game Stop and pick out some basketball, football and car racing games. We also try out a dancing game they had on display there. Safe to say Brooke, ex cheerleading captain, wiped the floor with me.

"Oh, admit it," she says as she smacks my arm, "I kicked your ass!"

I laugh and bow my head down, "Fine, I give in. You, Brooke Penelope Davis, are the Dancing Queen and I, Lucas Scott, am your pathetic jester who cannot bust a move."

She raises her arms in victory, looking truly happy, and I can't help to watch her in awe. Why did I ever tell myself she wasn't the one? Oh, right, because I'm a moron.

She spots some store she likes and grabs my arm effectively dragging me to it. An hour later she comes out of the dressing room for the tenth time. "Okay, do you like this skirt better than the first one I showed you?" she asks me with a serious face

I let out a painful groan, "Brooke, that is the _tenth_ skirt you've showed me and they all look the same. You're gorgeous in all of them, but they all look the same to me."

She laughs, "God, you haven't changed at all." She assures me, "Okay, I'll try on one more and we can go."

I give her a look, "Okay two, three at most." She says giggling as she goes back into the dressing room.

Half an hour and fifteen skirts later I'm holding all the bags with my arm hanging loosely around her shoulder. We're just talking and laughing and I feel like it's the beginning of senior year when she dragged me on a shopping date. Which, in retrospect, really meant watching her try on ten versions of the same shirt and carrying her bags…not much has changed in that department.

We walk by a bookstore and I smirk, "Ugh, no way, Lucas. Come on." She says in a whiny tone.

"Uh, yes way. I just spent an hour and a half watching you try on fifteen identical skirts." I say, "You owe me this. Besides, I've always gotten Jamie a book." I haven't been to any of his or Robbie's birthdays in a while, but when I did bother to show up, I always got him a book.

"Ugh, fine." She says caving, "But I won't spend a whole hour in there."

I reluctantly agree all the while complaining it isn't a fair trade-off. I pick five books in fifteen minutes and we head out. This has been nice.

"So, I still have a little while before one." She says busting me out of my thoughts, "Want to grab something to eat?"

"Sure, food court or do you want to go someplace else?" I ask her

"Um…I don't know." She says, "Ooh, I kind of hijacked Nate's Hummer. Want to take it for a test drive?" she asks grinning

"Yeah, we can go to that new place on Adams Street." I say as I grab the keys she flirtingly dangled in front of me.

We get to the restaurant and Brooke works her charm to get us a table quickly. We eat and I just look at her. I haven't seen her in so long. I didn't even realize how much I missed seeing her smile and hearing her voice and simply enjoy being with her. Whether we're doing something or nothing or talking or just sitting in the world's most awkward silence, I just…I'm never out of place with her.

She drives me back to the mall so I can get my car and she can go to the market. I thank her for her help and give her a hug. I breathe her in again and I just can't help myself from what I do next, even though I know its stupid. I kiss her. It isn't long before she pushes me away, but for a second it felt like she kissed me back.

"God, Lucas!" she yells at me clearly angry

"Bro –"

"Just get out." She says as she opens my door.

"I'm sorry, I just…I want us to be us again. That kiss felt so right to me. Right in a way that I haven't felt in so long." I say with pleading eyes, "Don't you miss me?"

"Out. _Now._" She says with a fierce glower I've never seen on her before. I climb out of the car and watch her speed off.

Man, I always find _some_ way to fuck everything up, don't I?

_-oo-_

_Cicero once wrote: "We must not say every mistake is a foolish one."_

Man, I am going to kill Brooke. It's, like, almost three o'clock. Where the hell is she?

I spot her, "Hey," I say as I wave her over, "_Finally_, what took you so long?"

"Hi to you, too." She responds in typical Brooke manner, "I'm fine, thanks for asking."

"Ugh, save the smug act." I say as I let out a groan, "First, you kidnap my car and then you arrive an hour and a half late to the market."

"Okay, well, first, I didn't kidnap your car. I borrowed it. And I wasn't supposed to meet with you anyways." She says, "Where's Hales?"

"She had some sort of turkey emergency so she gave me a list and assured me you could handle it and that all I had to do was push the cart. She skipped the part about how I'd have to wait forever for you got here."

"I'm sorry, Nate." She says with a tinge of sadness that I can tell isn't about making me wait for her, "I messed up, but it won't happen again."

"Alright, I'll bite." I say as put an arm around her shoulder, "What's wrong?"

She opens her mouth to say 'nothing', but I stop her, "And don't make me drag it out of you because we have to get home early or Haley will kick our asses. And it's humiliating to be beaten by a girl who's half your size." Or, in my case, a girl period.

"You know how I said I had to go to the mall?" I nod, "Well that wasn't the whole truth. I did go to the mall…to meet up with Lucas."

"Brooke," I say in a reprimanding tone, "Why would you lie about that?"

"I didn't. I told Julian, I just didn't tell anyone else. Wanted to spare myself from the unnecessary lectures and concern. And because he asked for my help and it was totally platonic and innocent until…well, until it wasn't anymore." she says

I know what that means. "What exactly happened?" I ask, "The whole truth this time, please."

"He kissed me." she says as looks at her feet

I shouldn't be surprised. It is, after all, a very Lucas thing to do. "Did you kiss him back?" I ask figuring that it wasn't a problem that Lucas had kissed her. He's relatively –and I used the word loosely –single; she's the one who's engaged.

"No," she says quickly, but doubtfully, "I mean, I pushed him away and kicked him out of the car."

"You made out with him in my car?!" I squeal

She gives me a little glare, "God, Nate, can you focus?" she says, "That is so_ not_ the point."

She's right, that's not even close to being the point. I suddenly feel transported back to high school when we were lying and cheating and covering each other's asses with pathetic excuses, "Look, if it meant nothing…I mean, was it a mistake?"

"Well, he said it felt right…" she says

"Not him, dumbass, _you_. Was it a mistake for you, was seeing him a mistake? Would you take it back if you could?"

"I don't know, Nate!" she yells as she stands up, "I'm not sure of anything anymore and you pressuring me about it doesn't help!"

I stand up slowly and raise my arms in peace, "Look, I'm not pressuring you. We don't even have to talk about it, but calm the fuck down, B. We got to get home soon and…Julian shouldn't see you like this. He'll know something's up." I say as I wipe some tears from her eyes, "Look, lets get the groceries and we can, I don't know, not talk about it or talk or whatever. I'll do whatever you want to do."

She takes a deep breath and looks at me. "I want you to, um, get me a Kleenex or something so I can pull myself together and we can finish up here and then go home…to Julian."

I resist the urge to ask her if it's truly Julian who she wants to go home to as we head inside the market. We, as agreed, don't talk about it. She eats some candy without paying for it and claims that she wasn't stealing it, she was sampling it and then we go pay for everything else.

"Okay, I just have one thing to tell you." I say, "What happened between you and Lucas was a mistake and it was wrong, but maybe it wasn't stupid. You know, maybe it wasn't just a pointless and foolish moment…maybe it was just a way for you to figure out what you really want."

"It was nothing, Nate." She says plastering on a seemingly perfect smile, "I'm good."

"You asked me not to let you run again." I state matter-of-factly

"I know." She says with her piercing hazel eyes, "And I'm here. I'm not running."

I just nod because, if there's one thing that can truly amaze me about Brooke Davis, it's the way in which she can be falling apart one second and then appear totally composed the next. Even if she's just faking it, it's a really impressive trait.

_-oo-_

_Benjamin Disraeli once wrote: "The magic of love is our ignorance that it can never end."_

Okay, I am officially done with the gift-wrapping. Nathan's and mine because he's a huge tool who couldn't even put a bow on Haley's piano.

I suddenly find the hours running longer and slower without Brooke here. I mean, I'm cool with her hanging out with Lucas (or at least that's what I tell myself), but now I'm bored without my Dimples here.

I tried to find productive ways to occupy my time, but Haley just kicked me out of the kitchen because I'm 'slowing her down' rather than helping her 'speed things up'.

Now, I just sit around in the living room and there's nothing good on HBO. The kids are napping, Nathan's out in the market with Brooke, and Jake went to get Peyton.

Basically, I'm just sitting around thinking which has never lead me to anything that good. I find my brain to be a wild forest full of inane gibberish.

"Haley!" I yell from the couch, "I'm bored, come play a game with me or something."

I hear pots clanging and I hear her muttering something about me being an impossible asshole, but, luckily, Jake and Peyton arrive at that moment.

"We're back!"

I stand up and smile, relieved that I can do something other than get lost inside my own head, "Finally! Haley kicked me out of the kitchen and I think she was about to start throwing cans at me. She's becoming pretty neurotic about this dinner." I whisper

"Because you're a pain." Says Peyton as she plops herself on the couch, "That hasn't really changed."

"Be nice, Peyton." Says Jake, "It's Christmas and Santa doesn't bring presents to grumpy people."

"So, Sawyer, you crashing here?" I ask her

"Yeah," she says, "It's kind of nice actually."

"Not really, you're kind of a pain, too." I say only to get a basketball thrown at my head, "Ouch," I say rubbing it, "So, you two want to play Rock Band?" I need something to kill time.

"Sure," says Peyton as she grabs the drumsticks

"I call the guitar!" yell both Jake and I

"Fine," says Jake, "I'll take the mike. You can't sing, anyway."

We're totally rocking '_Livin' On a Prayer_' when Brooke and Nate get back.

Brooke enters the living room and sits in between me and Jake before leaning in and kissing me, "Hey, how was your day?" she asks jovially

"Um, good. I played with the kids, hanged with the guys, annoyed Haley. The usual. Missed you a lot, though." I say as I pause the game and turn to her, "What about you, how was your day?"

"Boring, actually," she says nuzzling into my neck, "I missed you a lot. Next year we're doing our shopping together."

I look at her and instantly realize something's off. I just can't quite put my finger on what it is. "What's with you? Something's different. You look…weird."

"Gee, thanks, hon." She says sarcastically

"No, I mean, you look stunning and flawless as always, but you also look kind of bothered. Did something happen?" I ask knowing full well that the look in her eyes is one she only wears when there's something she's not telling me.

"Uh...you know." She mutters, "Nate was being a pain because I took his car. The usual games and banter we share together…just a little tired."

Yeah, I could totally tell that was bull.

"Okay," I say knowing that what she just told me isn't the whole story, "Did you get yourself something at the mall?"

"Yeah, my bags are in the car." She says absentmindedly

"Well, how about I go get them and then we go out for a walk, just the two of us." I suggest, "It'll be fun."

She nods and kisses my forehead, "Sure, babe."

We walk down the street holding hands and noticing all the Christmas decorations around the neighborhood. "Ooh, I love the Manning's decorations!" she exclaims, "Their three wise men have an uncanny resemblance to Larry, Moe and Curly."

I laugh and kiss the side of her head, "I like how that brings out your beautiful smile." I whisper in her ear, "Dimples and all."

"Why do you like my dimples so much?" she asks

"Because they're your tell." I explain, "When you're smiling for real it reaches your eyes, they get a twinkle and your dimples come out. When you're faking it or just being polite, they don't."

"Ah, you're so observant." She says impressed, "What else do you notice?"

"Well, I notice you've been pretty distant since we came back here." I say trying to be straightforward, "Wanna tell me what's up?"

She bites her lower lip pensively, "You know it's just…Tree Hill. It always makes me shut down a little. Nothing big." She says, "I'm glad to have you here with me, though. You always make things easier."

"How so?"

"I don't know. You just have a very soothing effect on me." she says gazing at mid air, "I thought it was weird at first, but now its grown on me."

"Gee, thanks, hon." I say mocking what she said when I commented she was weird before.

She smacks my arm and kisses me, "No problem, baby." She says laughing

-oo-

_Jimi Hendrix once wrote: "I don't have nothing to regret at all in the past, except that I might've unintentionally hurt somebody else or something."_

If anyone in this world knows about hurting people it's me. I've hurt most, if not all, people who've ever cared about me. Its not like I plan on it, it just happens…I guess my three-year marriage from hell was karma.

I turn to Brooke who's now staring at the fireplace as Julian and the boys handle clean up.

We're both sitting quietly and I decide to break the silence, "So, B. Davis, what've you been up to?" I ask trying to sound normal

"Not much, P. Sawyer." She says, "Just the same old self doubt and confusion. What about you?"

"Oh, you know, a shitty marriage and the sad process of divorce." I reply, "Same old, same old."

We both sit uncomfortably avoiding eye contact and feeling like we've run out of things to talk about. That's sad, really. I guess when neither of us was saying anything it was kind of okay, but having nothing to say makes things ever stranger. I can safely say my discomfort meter's peaked, but that really doesn't stop me from talking.

"So, Jake said you were the one who told him to invite me…I know we aren't exactly best friends right now, but that was really great of you." I say with earnestly

She turns to me, and smiles as if to say _no problem_, "Not that I'm exactly surprised. You've always been the best of us. The one with the biggest heart."

"I don't know about that." she says with a twinge of guilt

Before I can ask her what the deal is the guys come back in with eggnog in tow.

"I slipped it a little something extra for you," says Julian as he sits besides Brooke, "Only the best for my girl."

Jake sits on the armrest next to me and hands me my cup.

After a few cups we all get a pretty light buzz.

"Okay, okay," says Nathan as he stands up, "Remember when we used to do this, like, a million years ago?" he asks as he sits on Haley's keyboard and begins to play and sing, "All right you chipmunks, ready to sing your song?" he asks glancing at me, Brooke and Haley

"I'll say we are!" I squeal in my best chipmunk voice

Haley bursts out laughing and sits next to him, "Yeah!"

"Okay, Simon?" asks Nathan

"Okay!" squeaks Haley

"Okay, Theodore?" he asks looking at me

"Okay!" I say laughing

"Okay, Alvin?" he says lastly, "Alvin? ALVIN?!"

Brooke snickers and stands up on the couch, "Okay!" she squeaks

"Christmas, Christmas time is near, time for toys and time for cheer. We've been good, but we can't last. Hurry Christmas, hurry fast." We sing in unison

"Want a plane that loops the loop." Screeches Haley

"Me, I want a hula-hoop!" squeaks Brooke as she shakes her hips

"We can hardly stand the wait. Please, Christmas, don't be late." We finish together laughing uncontrollably as we plop ourselves down on the couch again

"What was that?" asks Jake as he puts an arm around my waist.

"That was a chipmunks impersonation that Nate, Brooke, now Haley, and I have been known for doing whenever we're slightly drunk." I explain as I pick up my cup

"That was kind of hot." He says smirking

"Very," says Nathan before kissing Haley, "You have a sexy chipmunk voice."

"I'll totally get you a hula-hoop, babe." Says Julian with a grin

Brooke laughs and gives me one last look before turning to kiss Julian. It's a look I've grown familiar with. A look that usually means trouble. The one she gets whenever she's in over her head with something. I think that something might be Lucas.

**TBC**


	6. Holiday Hell

**AN: **Here's the big Christmas dinner. Some drama happens. Parts of this chapter felt rushed, others felt right. Maybe I'll change it later. What do you think?

Also, to Sara, I agree with pretty much everything you said...

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing, but wouldn't it be cool if I did?

**

* * *

**

**Which To Bury: Us Or The Hatchet?**

_Holiday Hell  
December 24__th_

_-oo-_

_Chris Torek once wrote: "It seems intuitively obvious to me which means that it might be wrong."_

"Hey," I say surprised as I spot Jake sitting on the armchair, and Brooke and Jamie cuddled up on the couch, "Why are you three up so early? It's 7 am."

They jump up before answering, "Couldn't sleep." They reply simultaneously while staring intently at the TV.

"We've been up since four." Mumbles Brooke in between handfuls off popcorn. Who the hell eats popcorn this early?

"Yeah, grab a blanket and join us." Suggests Jake, "We're watching Disturbia."

I kink my eyebrows as I cuddle up to Jake, "You three have been up since four watching Disturbia?"

"Of course not. We started by watching the Grinch, but that was really short." says Jake

"Then we saw Home Alone and we booby trapped Nathan and Haley's bathroom afterwards." Explains Brooke, "_Now_ we're watching this."

"Jamie's nine." I say matter-of-factly, "Won't he get nightmares or something?"

"Nah," Says Jamie while shaking his head

"It's an important fact of life. Every serial killer lives next door to someone." Adds Brooke

I decide to follow suit and grab myself a handful of popcorn as we all quiet down and continue watching the movie.

Half an hour later we all jump up screaming when Nathan walks into the living room. "What the hell," he says frowning, "What are you four doing?"

"Watching Disturbia." We say in union as we flash him angelic smiles, "We got bored of the Christmas movies." Adds Brooke

"Nice." he says sarcastically while nodding, "I'm going out for a run. Try watching cartoons or something."

We turn off the TV and stand up, "Well, I am officially not talking to any more of my neighbors." I say as we head into the kitchen to grab some breakfast.

"Okay, we have Cheerios, Fruit Loops, Cocoa Puffs, Honey Comb, and Frosted Flakes." Says Brooke as she pulls out boxes, "Who's having what?"

I hand all of us a bowl and spoon while Jamie gets the milk. "I'll take the Honey Comb." I say as I grab the box

"Cheerios." Says Jamie

"I'll have half Cheerios, half Fruit Loops." Says Brooke after pondering it seriously for a second.

"Oh, that sounds good Brookie Cookie." says Jake, "I'll have the same."

We all eat quietly and decide, on Jamie's idea, to hang up some mistletoe and stockings because all Haley had gotten around to doing was putting up the tree.

Just as we finish Jakes pulls me into his arms and smiles, "I get a kiss, we're under the mistletoe. It's the rules." he says seriously

I pretend to think about it for a second before giving a quick kiss, "Happy?"

"Ecstatic." he says grinning

"Oh, keep it PG, you two." says Brooke smirking, "No need to see make-out sessions this early in the morning."

It's at this moment that Haley comes downstairs frantically, "Ohmygod!" she shrieks, "My alarm didn't go off. It's 9:30 am!"

"Yeah, I can't believe you slept so much." I say sarcastically as she hysterically runs around the kitchen while putting her hair up and pulling stuff out of the fridge.

"Okay, you two are on kid duty." She instructs Brooke and me, "Get them breakfast, take them out, play around, and then get them dressed for dinner."

"Aye, aye, sir." I say seriously

She glares at me and turns to Jake, "But first wake up Julian. You're going to be my cooking assistants. And where's Nate?"

"He went out for a run a while ago." I explain

"And, hey, how come only the boys get to help with dinner?" ask a pouting Brooke

"Because you two are kitchen hazards." She says as she ties on her apron, "Now move!"

Brooke picks Jamie up and we all head upstairs to do as Haley instructed. Man, Julian was right. Haley is really kind of neurotic about this dinner…

_-oo-_

_Martin Luther King Jr. once wrote: "We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope."_

"Well, if it isn't the idiot I call brother." Says Nathan as he walks towards me, "What are you doing out in broad daylight?"

"Nice to see you, too, Nate." I say as I toss him the ball, "Wanna play to twelve?"

He looks me up and down smirking, "I'll play you, but you gotta answer some questions for me."

I shrug, "Fine."

We start to play and, obviously, Nathan's kicking my ass because he's an NBA basketball player and the only baskets I've made in the last three years are the ones I make when I throw paper balls into the trashcan.

"So," he says a he makes his third three pointer, "Why'd you kiss Brooke?"

I freeze at hearing the question because that is one I did not see coming. I expected him to ream me for missing so many birthdays and holidays. Maybe punch me for that night I sucker punched him…anything but ask me about the kiss. "How do you know about that?" I ask bewildered

"Brooke and I have the whole brother-sister bond thing going on. She tells me things." He says matter-of-factly, "Now I'm taking advantage of our brother-brother bond and I'm giving you a chance to explain before I decide to quit my non-violent ways and kick your ass."

He finishes that speech by making another three pointer, "Game." He adds before walking over to the picnic table and sitting down.

I rub the back of my neck anxiously trying to come up with a rational and levelheaded explanation as to why I ignored all reason and kissed Brooke. I know she's engaged, I know I treated her badly and let her down time after time, but everything about that moment felt true to me.

I sigh and walk over to sit next to him, "Um…I got caught up in the moment and it just happened. I have feelings for Brooke. I've always had feelings for her. She has this weird effect on me and she makes me feel more like myself than anyone else… she gives me hope."

"So you love her?" he asks seriously

"Yes." I answer without hesitating

He stands up and towers over me for a second before backing away, "Okay," he says, "I won't kick your ass then."

"That simple?" I ask

"That simple." He says as he starts to walk off the court, "But if you wreck things for her or hurt her, I will be back and I will kick your ass." I nod in understanding, "See you tonight?"

"Yes you will."

He tosses me the ball before running off and I go back to making, or attempting to make, free throws. I'd forgotten how peaceful the River Court was. I like it how things seem to be clearer here. Things either are or aren't. There's no maybe in basketball. You either win or lose. The ball either goes in or it doesn't.

I wish life were that easy, but life's nothing like that. It's never black and white. It's always just a big mess of grey.

-oo-

_Dante once wrote: "The more perfect a thing is, the more susceptible to good and bad treatment it is."_

I breathe in and out in relief that I finally got everything ready for dinner.

"Just relax, babe." Says Nathan as he wraps his arms around my waist from behind me, "Dinner's ready, everything smells awesome, no one's fighting and things are gonna go great."

I smile at him and he kisses my cheek, "Things are going to be perfect."

I let out a groan, "Oh, Nate, you just totally jinxed it. Why'd you have to say the P word?"

"Look, nothing is jinxed." He assures me, "Let's get downstairs. Lucas will be here any minute and everyone's waiting on us."

We get downstairs were Brooke has already opened the wine. Within seconds the doorbell rings and I run off to answer it.

"Luke!" I say as I hug him, "It's so great you came."

"I told you I'd come." He says smiling

"Yeah, but I kind of had to see it to believe it." I say laughing

We walk back into the living room and Lucas sits down and puts Robbie on his lap. "Um, the turkey will be done in a few minutes so we can just hang in here and catch up until the timer goes off."

Everyone murmurs in agreement. Brooke walks up to Lucas and hands him a glass of wine.

I watch them and notice how Lucas tries to hold onto her hand. I also notice how she immediately yanks it away and looks around to see if anyone noticed. Our eyes meet and she looks away instantly.

"Brooke." I call, "Kitchen. Now."

She gulps and follows me. "What was that?" I ask in an angry whisper

"What was what?"

"Ugh, don't play innocent. What's the deal with the whole vibe you just had with Lucas?"

"There was no vibe." She assures me, "You're paranoid."

"I am not!" I say angrily, "I know you. I know when there's something you're not telling me."

"You're freaking out unnecessarily. There was nothing going on."

"Yes there was!"

"There _wasn't_."

We continue accusing each other back and forth until Nathan walks in. I can hear him say something, but I'm focused on what I'm saying to Brooke so we both ignore him.

"Hey!" he yells

"What!" we yell in frustration as we turn to face him

"Rachel's here." He explains, "She's kind of wasted."

"What?" we ask in unison once more

"She's wasted." He repeats. Brooke sighs and goes out to check on her.

I just glare at Nathan as I smack his arm, "I told you not to use the P word!"

_-oo-_

_George Bernard Shaw once wrote: "A perpetual holiday is a good working definition of hell."_

Well, I'm not dumb. I am fully aware that I am pretty drunk right now, but somehow I'm still managing to see things clearer than anyone here. I mean everyone's here and yet, I seem to be the only one aware of how much shit is still unresolved with this people.

Peyton and that guy, what's his name, are sitting across from Brooke who's conveniently sandwiched between Lucas and Julian. Nathan and Haley are acting like this dinner is so normal and common. Like they do this every year or something.

I simply burst out laughing which breaks the silence that conveniently settled in as soon as we all sat around the table.

"Okay, I'm sorry. I can't hold it in any longer. This is really sad." I say between my fit of laughter, "You all realize how full of shit you are, right?"

I look around the table and the only person who isn't avoiding looking me in the eyes is Brooke. "Rachel," she says in a warning tone.

"What? This is all beyond fucked up, Brooke. I mean, I know you're all about avoiding any talk that might actually make you face your true feelings out loud, but I sure as hell am not."

"You're out of line, Rachel." Says Lucas curtly

"Shut up, Lucas. I mean, anyone messes with 'the one that got away' and you want to come play Superman for her, don't you?" I ask

He looks away and says nothing. Figures.

"And Brooke…Peyton…You two hate each other, don't you?" I say looking at them, "You're never going to be able to mend that stupid rift that Lucas set between you, so why do you bother with the charade? Here you are trying to look mature with your significant other by your sides, but you're still stuck in a losing triangle. And you're never going to forgive each other, not really. God! Why bother trying to make it look like it'll ever be any different?"

She now turns to Sam and says, "Take the kids upstairs."

"But I want to see –" she tries to protest, but Brooke gives her no chance

"_Now_," she adds. That girl has become quite obedient because when she sees the look on Brooke's face she does as she's told

"That was good, Brooke." I tell her, "Very authoritative. You've got the mom thing down."

"Rach, come on, let's go upstairs." She says

"No. Let's get things out in the open for once. Julian," I say turning to him, "Brooke's not over Lucas. Never has been. Both she and Peyton have some weird, deluded connection to him. And he likes that. He loves having that hold over them and always knowing that if it doesn't work out with one, he can crawl back to the other."

"Rae, you need to chill." Says Julian in a calm and serious tone that I choose to ignore and continue speaking.

"And you know what else, in a weird twist Brooke's actually engaged to Peyton's ex. Is that, like, a prerequisite for the guys you two date? Does he have to have slept with Brooke before he can sleep with Peyton? Or is it the other way around?"

I turn to Lucas, "And you, Mr. She's-definitely-the-one, when will you learn that you can't have your frigging cake and eat it too? You dumped Peyton, now you want Brooke again. But they're both with someone else now so clearly you're gonna wreck it for one of them. At least you've expanded. It's no longer a triangle from hell, now it's a…god, what do you call the one that has five sides?"

Peyton laughs a little, "A big love rectangle plus one?"

"Yeah, exactly." I say with a smile. At least I amuse someone.

"Shut up, Peyton." Says Brooke as she stands up and walks over to me, "We don't need you throwing fuel on the fire."

She tries to grab my arm, but I pull it away, "I'm not done yet."

"I think you are, Rachel." Says Haley sternly

"Please, Haley, you're the one that started all this. You wanted everyone together, well here we are." I say as I stand up and take a swig from the wine bottle, "Almost ten years later and we're right back were we started from. Who do you think will be the odd man out this time around? We have Bachelor number one, a cute single dad; Bachelor number 2, an improved version of Lucas, I mean the resemblance is so obvious its not even funny; and finally Bachelor number 3, the one that started it all."

"Rachel, enough!" says Nathan as he hits the table, "Brooke, either you get her upstairs and into a cold shower or I'll drag her there myself."

"Nate, keep it down. The kids are upstairs." Says Haley who's rubbing her temples

Brooke walks over to me and props me up as we make our way upstairs.

"Relax, freaks, I'm done." I say as I go back to laughing my ass off. Maybe I am drunker…_er_ than I thought.

_-oo-_

_William Shakespeare once wrote: "The robbed that smiles, steals something from the thief."_

An eerie silence is filling the room because nobody quite knows what to say.

I don't know what to say, but suddenly I feel an irking desire to punch Lucas.

Only thing that's stopping me is that he hasn't exactly done anything I can hit him for.

Oh, well, the night is still young.

We could all probably use a drink right about now, but Rae kind of emptied out the two bottles we had on the table and, after that drunken show, there's something good to be said about sobriety.

I look around the table and study everyone. Nathan's clenching his fists, his knuckles completely white. Haley is still rubbing her temples. Peyton seems to be hugging herself and Jake is staring around the table like I am. Only difference is that he has an aggravated look and I just keep a casual one.

And finally Lucas, he's just staring down and saying nothing.

"Um, should I leave?" He asks after a few minutes of painfully uncomfortable silence.

No one responds, but we all look up finally facing each other.

"No, Luke." says Haley doubtfully

"Should someone go check in on Rachel and Brooke?" he asks after yet another unpleasant silence.

"No." I say pointedly, "She handles Rachel better when she's alone." And, if I know her right, she's not going to want to talk about this right now.

Haley clears his throat and stands up. "I'm just gonna go check on the kids." she then turns to Nathan, "Come with me?" he nods and it's just Jake, Peyton, Lucas and I at the table.

I've been quiet and saying nothing while I just see how everybody else reacts. It's safe to say we're all pretty mortified and embarrassed. Brooke's also worried about Rachel while everybody else is worried about Brooke. I'm just trying to take this in calmly and not lose control of my temper or let my emotions get out of my hands. It's always better to be in control.

"Look," says Peyton finally speaking out, "What Rachel said was just totally…"

"Yeah, man," adds Lucas, "It's not like that at all."

"I know." Says Jake before releasing a deep sigh, "It was just a lot of information in a short amount of time. I honestly believe that no one saw that coming."

"Yeah, Rae was just totally out of it." I say

My eyes meet Lucas' and we stare each other down. I know that when he said it wasn't like that he wasn't talking to me. He only meant it for Jake. I feel my hands turn into fists and I suddenly feel a greater need to restrain myself from leaping over and hitting him.

Finally he just stands up, "Look, tell Haley I left before things got out of control." he asks Peyton, "But I'll call her later." he adds before heading to the door.

"Bye..._Luke_." I say as he starts to walk out of the dinning room. I notice his hands ball up into fists for a second before he slowly releases them and closes the door behind him

"Okay," says Peyton, "That was..."

"Uh, intense." finishes Jake for her, "You good, man?" he asks me

"I'm just…tired. I'm going to bed." See if I can sleep this night off…

_-oo-_

_Nelson Mandela once wrote: "There is no passion to be found playing small - in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living."_

"God, can you at least try to walk so I don't have to literally drag you?" I complain to Rachel knowing full well that she doesn't understand a word I'm saying.

Once I get her into the bathroom I throw her into the cold shower, clothes and all. She doesn't go in easily. She's never made anything easy. Eventually she calms down a little and I take her to the empty guest room, "I grabbed one of Haley's PJs. It should fit."

She mumbles something, which I don't really understand, but at this point I don't really want to know what she's saying. Ugh, I will kill Owen for letting her get like this…and when I'm done with him, I'll kill her for falling back into this shit.

I pull her into bed and jump in next to her, "You should really try to sleep a little. It won't be long until you're puking your stomach out." I say as I help her get under the covers.

"Thanks, I love you, Brooke." She mumbles

I have to laugh at that. "I love you, too, Rae." I tell her back, "But you're messed up right now. And you've been doing good for so long now, what happened?"

When I look back at her she's asleep, snoring lightly. I figure I better sleep a little too seeing as when she's up puking I'll be up holding her hair back.

Well, just as I predicted, it's 1 am and I am holding Rachel's hair as she pukes, "Just let it all come out." I say as I rub her back

"Ugh, this is shit…" she mumbles before resuming throwing up.

"It's okay, let it out." I say as I continue to rub circles on her back. I should get a fucking award for doing this.

The bathroom door opens and Sam comes in and sits next to me, "You know, I can hear her puking."

"Sorry, Sam. I thought that if I brought her to the downstairs bathroom I wouldn't wake anyone up." I say with an apologetic look, "Forgot you had the couch."

"Its cool, I'm glad it woke me. I wanted to talk to you." She says

"About what, honey?" I ask absentmindedly

"Well, I kind of overheard Rachel last night. I want to know if you're okay," she says, "If things with you and Julian are okay." She adds

I put on my best fake smile and give her a look of reassurance, "Things are great," I say, "Rachel's the one who's kind of out it."

She lets out an exasperated sigh, "I've been living with you for four years, do you think I don't know when you're lying?"

"I was hoping you didn't." I mutter

"Well, I do." She says, "And I care. About you_ and_ Julian."

I say nothing and stare at the white bathroom floor tiles as if they could give me some answer, some great moment of clarity. Safe to say they don't.

"Is anything that Rachel said true?" she asks, "Do you love Lucas? Is there still something there?"

"Lucas is a part of my history. He was my first official boyfriend, the first guy I fell for…the first guy who broke my heart. He was my first in a lot of things and…" I let out a sigh, "The first time you do something is the one that sticks with you the most. I can't erase my past with him."

"You know, a lot of the things Rachel said were totally out of place, but she got one thing right. You _are_ all about avoiding any talk that might make you face your feelings." She says patronizingly

"I am not." I say in an involuntarily whiny tone, "I jus –"

"Then answer. It's a yes or no question." she says seriously, "Do you love Lucas?"

I scoff, "Yes! Of course I do, I've known him for eleven years. We dated. I'll always love him, but I am not _in_ love with him." I practically yell, "He does not have some sort of mystical hold on me."

Rachel lets out a groan. She's up and puking again

"I will not lose the life I built for myself over him."

And as soon as the words leave my mouth it hits me.

"_And Lucas Scott was the one boy I might have lost it for." _

Is that still me? Do I still want to be with him like that? Would I still give everything away to be with him?

No, no. Of course not, I've gotten over that. I'm happy with _Julian_. I love _Julian._

"Okay, fine, you're not in love with him." she says raising her arms slightly in defeat, "I'll back off." She adds as she stands up and heads for the door.

"But I do need to say this," she says turning to look at me, "I love Julian. He's a great guy and he's good for you. He watches your Desperate Housewives marathons with you and he talks you out your crazy theories that Mrs. Huxley's smuggling illegal workers and he gets you. You could settle down with him and be happy, but you shouldn't mix settling down with just settling. If Julian's not the one, don't marry him. Don't do that to him or yourself."

She sighs, "My point is that I love you and I'll stand by you, whatever you choose. But be certain of your decision because if you walk away, from either Julian or Lucas, there's no turning back."

I take a moment to ponder everything she just dropped on me (man, everyone's kind of dumping on me tonight and I don't know how much of it I can take without buckling under the pressure).

"I know you're right. I don't want to just settle, either. I just…I can't tell the difference between one thing or the other anymore." I say and she nods in understanding.

The awkward moment is killing me, so I laugh, "And, hey, that thing about Mrs. Huxley could totally be true." I say seriously, "There's something fishy about her."

Sam rolls her eyes, "She's 85 years old and has five cats, Brooke. She's not smuggling anyone or anything." She then shakes her head, "Goodnight."

"Love you, Sam."

"Love you, too, Brooke."

And with that she's gone.

"I love you, too, B." mutters Rachel in a stupor

I let out a groan, "Just throw up quietly, Rachel." I instruct, "I can't think with you rambling in the background."

_-oo-_

_Winston Churchill once wrote: "If you're going through hell, keep going."_

I lay awake staring at the ceiling, my hands supporting the back of my head. I hear the door open and seconds later I feel Haley crawl next to me in bed.

"You awake?" she asks me

I scoff, "I think everyone in this house, except for the kids, is awake."

"They're asleep." She says, "I just checked in on them, actually."

I laugh, "I know, you always check in on them when you can't sleep."

She lets out a heavy sigh, "Is tonight my fault? Should I not have pushed for this?" she asks

"Oh, babe," I say as I put an arm around her shoulder so she can cuddle up in my chest, "Tonight's been a long time coming. Things like this always blow up at some point."

"Yeah, well, Rachel's blowing it all in our downstairs toilet, actually." She says laughing. I guess all we can do at this point is laugh.

"You heard her, too, huh?" I ask

"Yeah…bless Brooke for handling her like that. I swear, its like Rachel only listens to reason when it comes in the form of Brooke."

"And here I thought reason and Brooke never really mixed all that well." I say

She slaps my chest, "It is so not the time to be surly sarcastic." She says, "

"Oh, it is so the time to be surly sarcastic." I say, "We have a drug addict puking in our bathroom and, like, three couples about to fall apart. Not to mention the fact that we all might completely hate each other after this. This is the kind of moment that, one day, we'll all look back at, laugh nervously, and change the subject."

"If we're all still hanging out which, after tonight, we might not do for a while."

"Really?" I ask, "Because I was thinking we could turn this into a weekly thing…" I say sarcastically and she smacks my stomach.

"Seriously, I am so torn." Says Haley as she gesticulates against my chest, "I love Brooke, but Luke has been my best friend since we were kids, even though he's pretty much cut me out of his life."

She pauses to sigh, "And then there's the whole Brooke's-always-had-my-back thing and if I don't back her up in this I feel like I'm betraying her. And then there's Julian who's been so good for Brooke and so great with Jamie and Robbie…god, I'm just paranoid and confused and rambling."

I smirk, "I think you're cute when you ramble."

"Wow, that's…so not helpful. At all." She says

"Look, I understand why you're torn. It's hard to pick sides in a thing like this." I say shrugging

"Yes, I know. You're either on Team Brooke or Team Peyton and nobody wants to be on Team Peyton because their captain is a big whore." She says with air quotes and all

I laugh, "What was that?"

"Just something Brooke said back in high school. Nice to see we're not immature like that now." She answers

"Oh, come on, now. We've totally grown. Now you can also be on Team Lucas or Julian or, apparently, Jake." I explain, "They've expanded."

"Yes, Rachel got it right." exclaims Haley, "It's all just a big pentagon of love now."

I snort laughing, "I know it's not gramatically correct, but, seriously, it sounds better when you call it a big love rectangle plus one."

"Okay, whatever you call it, the question remains." she says as she sits up, "Whose side are you on? How do you even choose a side in this?"

"Brooke's." I say without hesitation, "Look, Lucas is my brother, I_ have_ to love him. And I do. But Brooke's been hurt a lot. And I know she's strong and she knows how to put herself back together, but even she has her limits and at some point you just need someone on your side. So I'll back her up in whatever she chooses. I owe her that much after pushing her away every time she tried to reach out to me over the last three years."

"Wow," she says smiling, "With that kind of logic I'm surprised we're not all on Team Brooke."

Yeah, I am, too. "Christmas morning should be interesting."

"Yes, I see us all opening presents and pleasantly making small talk."

"Let's just get some sleep." I say before yawning, "We'll deal with tomorrow, tomorrow."

**TBC**


	7. Doors, Truths & Emotions

**AN: **I have a lot of mixed feelings about this chapter. It's just kind of laying down things for what's going to happen. Christmas will be divided in two parts…maybe three, depending on how the next chapter turns out. Oh, and there will be Lucas in the next one he just...didn't have much to do in this one. That is all…

Oh, and a shout out to Nadia, Ipodder, sab, Mary and Leila (especially yours), your reviews made me smile and I've decided that I like you guys.

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing, but when I do I'll write you guys to tell you all about it

* * *

**Which To Bury: Us Or The Hatchet?**

_Doors, Truths & Emotions  
December 25__th __– Part One_

_-oo-_

_Kahlil Gibran once wrote: "Wisdom ceases to be wisdom when it becomes too proud to weep, too grave to laugh, and too selfish to seek other than itself."_

"Momma, daddy, it's Christmas!" yells Robbie. Jamie follows him, "Wake up, it's gift time." He adds

I turn to Nathan and smile. Only on Christmas morning are our kids more reliable than any alarm clock.

"Morning, babe." He says smirking, "Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas to you, too." I say as I before giving him a kiss, "Let's get downstairs before they rip open every gift under the tree."

Once downstairs we find that they've already gotten Sam up and off the couch. Her face shows she's clearly not too happy about it.

"Coffee?" I ask

She grunts something I take as a yes and I go into the kitchen where I see that Brooke's already up, too.

"Merry Christmas, Tutor Mom." she says smiling

"Merry Christmas, Tigger," I say back, "How was your night?"

"Oh, you know, busy." She says shrugging it off like it was no big deal, "I didn't get much sleep."

"Yeah, where's Rachel?" I ask

"Showering. I loaded her up on Advil, water and coffee and she's…well, she's still feeling like shit, but at least now she's sober. Oh, um, I kind of Rachel proofed the house so we're officially out of liquor." She explains

I nod, "That's okay," I say, "Now come on, Sam's about to pass out without her coffee and the kids are gonna lose their minds if they don't get to open the presents."

We laugh, head back into the living room and sit on the couch with Nathan and Peyton.

"Where're Julian and Jake?" asks Brooke as she looks around

"Bathroom." Replies Peyton

"Well, that's kinky." Brooke with arched eyebrows.

"Can we open our presents now?" ask Jamie, Jenny and Jamie

Just then, Julian and Jake get downstairs, "Hell, yeah, dudes." Says Julian as he sits next Brooke, "I talked to Santa last night and he said you guys were very good this year so I'm sure he left you awesome gifts."

Santa did get them awesome gifts, and by Santa I mean Brooke and Julian who are spoiling them rotten. They got Wii, a guitar, a PS4, clothes, games, a sketchpad with things to draw and paint, the works.

Once they're done they run upstairs to hook everything up and play. They're all blissfully unaware of the crap that's running through our heads. Sometimes being a kid can have the greatest benefits.

"Sam, how about you open yours next." Suggests Brooke as she pushes her off the couch

Sam smiles and grabs the first box, "Okay," she says as she grabs a box.

When she's done, Nathan opens his presents next, then Peyton, then Jake, then me, then Brooke and, finally, Julian.

Julian and Nathan are jumping around more that Robbie and Jamie. Nate keeps muttering something about playing in the backyard with his new basketball hoop and Julian's rambling on and on about jamming with the guys…seriously, they're children.

Rachel still hasn't come down and we're all kind of wondering were she is. All eyes turn to Brooke because she's the one who's been on Rachel watch.

"Yo, Brooke, where's Rachel?" blurts out Nathan

I slap his arm, "Really smooth, Hotshot."

Everyone laughs and then we turn to Brooke once more, "She's doing better. Before I came down she went from feeling like a car run her over to just feeling like some beat the crap out of her." she says shrugging

"Well, putting aside the fact that she pretty much dumped all over you four." Says Nate pointing to Brooke, Peyton, Jake and Julian, "She was honest. It was refreshing."

"Really?" asks Jake, "Because when you punched the table so hard that it almost broke in half last night it didn't really seem like you found it 'refreshing'." he says with air quotes and all

"Oh, that was in the heat of the moment." Says Nathan, "Now that the moment has passed I'm actually kind of worried. She was in pretty bad shape and she's been upstairs in the bathroom for a really long time."

"She didn't really want to come down. She was nervous about facing everyone." Says Brooke, "I mean, she said a lot of…out of place things last night."

At this moment Julian looks at Brooke, Brooke looks at her hands, Jake looks to Peyton, Peyton looks to Nathan and Nathan looks to me before standing up and taking one last look around the room.

"I, uh, am going to leave to room for a period of time for no relevant reason and I'll be back later." He turns, "Oh, Haley, Jake, Sam and Peyt, too." He says as he grabs my arm and pulls me out of the living room. Sam, Jake and Peyton following close behind.

"You're the king of subtlety, sweetie." I say as I pat his back

-oo-

_Alexander Graham Bell once wrote: "When one door closes, another opens. But we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us."_

I need to tell Julian the truth. I need to come clean about what happened with Lucas. I am not that person. I'm not a cheater and I'm not a liar and I refuse to hurt him…well, I already hurt him, he just doesn't know it yet. But I refuse to hurt him any more.

"I love it when they're clever like that." he says sarcastically as he flashes me a gloomy smile

I smile back the same way and he gently lifts my chin up so I'm looking at him, "You ready to tell me what's wrong now?"

I turn to face him completely and grab his hands, "Julian, I love you. You know that, right? You've been so great with me and with Sam and you've been my family and my friend and my boyfriend and now my fiancée and I do love you, but there's something you need to know. Something I have to tell you."

He frowns for a second, but it's not an angry frown. It's a worried frown. He nods slightly as if to say that I should keep talking, "Um, the other day, when I went to the mall with Lucas, he, um, he kissed me." his eyes widen for a second, but I don't stop talking. Instead, I start rambling, "I wasn't going to tell you because it didn't last more than two seconds and it meant nothing, but it's not fair of me to hide it. You always tell me the truth and I'm not used to lying to you and I've felt like shit because I am not that girl. I am not a cheater. And you don't deserve that."

"You…you kissed Lucas?" he asks in a surprised and pained tone

"He kissed me." I say, "I know it doesn't make that much of a difference because it shouldn't have happened in the first place. I shouldn't have let things get to that and I didn't kiss him back, but I…I knew that something might happen and I went anyway. And I shouldn't have. I should've put a stop to it before it even had a chance to begin."

"Brooke," he says with a glower, "I don't…it's like you're an entirely different person right now."

I've never seen him that hurt. His eyes just seem to be filled with so much sorrow and I brought that on him. I…I'm the one who wounded him like that. "Julian, talk to me. Just, yell at me, throw stuff, have a fit or something. Vent it out on me."

He sniffles and cradles my face with his hands, "I…I just, I can't." he lets go and stands up.

I waste no time in standing up and following him. "Julian, come on." I say as I grab his arm and make him face me, "Don't shut me out. I know that sounds like the most hypocritical request I could be making right now, but, please, _don't_."

"I'm not shutting you out, Brooke." He says, "But I just can't –"

"Can't what!" I yell as I hold back a few tears, "Can't forgive me, can't look at me, can't talk about it now, can't do this anymore? Can't is a very vague thing to say and I…well, I _can't_ deal with vague right now. I need to know where we are. I need to know where we stand."

"You want to know what I can't? I can't anything!" he yells back, "I can't think, I can't talk, I can't do _anything _right now."

"Look, I messed up. I know you're angry, you have every right to be, but I want to talk it out. I want to fix it. I want to make it better." I plead as I put my hands on his chest, "How can I make it better? Tell me how to make it better."

"Go back and don't let Lucas kiss you, that's a start." he says dryly as he runs upstairs.

I tilt my head back so that the tears won't slip out and I take a deep, shaky breath.

"Brooke?" Great, Rachel's out of her cave and probably caught most of that argument.

"Not now, Rae." I say turning away from her

"Brooke." she says, this time with a serious tone

"Rachel, I don't want to talk right now!" I yell all the while wrecking my efforts to try to hold back my tears because it's at this moment they start to pour out.

She rolls her eyes at my statement and hugs me, "It's gonna be okay, B." she whispers as she rubs my back, "It'll all be okay."

Well, this has certainly come full circle. Less than twenty-four hours ago I was rubbing circles around her back comforting her. Oh my, how the tables have turned.

-oo-

_William James once wrote: "The greatest enemy of any one of our truths may be the rest of our truths."_

I am now pacing. My heart is racing. My head is pounding. I can't breathe right. I can't see straight.

I hold my right hand with which I just punched the wall because it is throbbing. The problem is I don't want to punch a wall. I want to punch Lucas. I _should _punch Lucas. I just, I need to regain control of myself before I kick the ever living shit out of him.

I knew when I fell in love with Brooke Davis that it wasn't going to be easy. That being in a relationship with her was gonna be hard, but I didn't care because she was worth it. She is worth it. And I am in love with her. That's why this hurts so much. When you don't care about someone the truth hurts less. When you're not emotionally involved you feel things _less_.

I don't think I've ever felt like this before. I feel like everything's different now, like we might not find our way back.

I lie down on the bed and just close my eyes. My mind is racing and I am abnormally agitated and I feel out of control and I hate it. I need it to stop so I can just relax and think clearly again.

I hear the door open and I look up. It's certainly not who I expected. "What's going on, man?" asks Jake as he sits next to me

"Lucas kissed Brooke." I state plainly while staring at the ceiling.

"Oh." He mumbles

"Seriously? 'Oh'. That's all you can say to that? Oh." I say with an incredibly even tone

"Well, do you want to vent?" he asks, "It helps. I know that's just something people say, but it really helps. I'm a good listener."

"I don't know what to do." I say, "I feel like shit. And I'm in shock. I literally can't believe that happened. That doesn't happen to me. I don't get cheated on. I've never been cheated on before. I've had my heart broken, but this is totally different. I just feel…"

"Betrayed?"

"Yeah, and disappointed. I know our relationship isn't perfect. We have our fights, but we were moving forward. I mean we're getting married. I proposed to her and she said yes. We were looking at dates less than two weeks ago. How the hell am I here now? How did we get here?" And those are more rhetorical than anything because I know he doesn't have the answer to them.

"Shit happens. Things fall into disarray. But we push through and we pull it together and just keep going. It's just what you do." He says, "Or you walk away and move on."

"I can't do that." I answer automatically, "I will not walk away from her, from us. I just won't."

When you love someone you don't walk away…then again you don't kiss other people either so the lines become blurry at some point.

"I figured you'd say that." he answers, "You don't look like the kind of guy who walks away."

"I don't know what to do. I haven't even talked to Brooke since she told me. I needed to take a second, I needed to breathe and now that I have I don't what to now. What do I do know?" I ask in the vague hope that he'll just have some answers.

"I don't have any answers for you. When it comes to relationships the answers are scarce. Usually you have to make it up as you go along and hope for the best." He says

"Yeah, well, I don't know how make it up right now…"

He pats my back in a sympathetic way, "I get it. I hear you. That sucks."

I turn to him with a surprised look, "This was actually…helpful. Thanks."

"You're welcome." He says, "But you know what would be even more helpful, getting out of this room and venting with Brooke."

"I don't know what to say to her." I mutter, "I want to talk to her, but I don't want it to be an incoherent ramble. I want it to be honest and serious."

"And it will be," he assures me, "But you need to face things. Clarity won't come to you while you're hiding. Sometimes you find the right words at the right time and everything clicks, but nothing's gonna come while you're pinning alone."

I nod and stand to go downstairs. "You're a good guy, Jake."

"So are you, Julian." he says, "Now _go_."

He's right. I'm not sure I'm ready to talk it out with Brooke right now, but I am sure that I can't be in here anymore. After a while it felt like the walls were closing in on me and I just couldn't do anything about it. Now it feels slightly better. The pain and hurt and that feeling like I just got punched in the stomach are still there, but somehow its easier to breathe now.

-oo-

_Alexander Solzhenitsyn once wrote: "It is not because the truth is too difficult to see that we make mistakes...we make mistakes because the easiest and most comfortable course for us is to seek insight where it accords with our emotions –especially selfish ones."_

I hear a door slam and I walk out to see what's going on. As I head downstairs I see that Rachel's out and she's hugging Brooke, who seems to be crying a river.

"What's wrong?" I ask looking between them. Rachel just shrugs.

I put a hand on Rachel's back and we walk Brooke back to the living room and sit her on the couch. She stops crying, but says nothing as she rests her head on Rachel's shoulder and holds my hand.

Rachel looks over her head and starts mouthing stuff to me, which I'm not really getting. So I keep mouthing her 'what?' back, but she doesn't get what I'm saying either. Eventually Brooke sighs, "Can you guys please not do that?" she asks, "You're not as discreet as you think you are."

"Sorry, Brooke." Says Rachel as she gulps, "Are you okay?"

"Not really."

"What happened?" I ask, "Where's Julian?"

She takes a deep breath, "What happened is I screwed up…I think Julian's upstairs. He doesn't want to talk right now."

I suddenly realize what's going on. "You told him the truth, didn't you?"

She nods, "It didn't go over as well as I hoped it would."

"What didn't?" asks Rachel

Both Brooke and I turn to look at her, "Oh, um, I'm really sorry about, you know, showing up and ruining dinner." She says blushing in shame, "But, seriously, what's going on?"

I look away because I know it's not my place to tell. That's up to Brooke. "Well…" speaks up Rachel again

"Can you guys just…I don't know, _quietly_ support me?" asks Brooke pleadingly

"No." I say, "If you don't tell me what's wrong, if you don't talk to me, I can't help you._ We_ can't help you. Let us help you, Brooke."

"Julian won't talk to me." she says, "He says he can't do anything…I fucked up. I made a mistake and I swore I'd never be the cheater, but I was. And I thought that, since I didn't initiate it, I didn't have to tell him, but that's not me. That isn't who I am, so I did have to tell him. And I did."

I look over to Rachel who seems pretty racked with guilt. I imagine last night is coming back to her in pieces and the more she remembers the more she wishes she didn't remember anything at all.

"You did the right thing, Brooke." I assure her, "The responsible thing. You made a mistake and you can't take it back, but you're doing the mature thing here. When you own up to your mistakes you're doing the right thing."

"Look, I know I have no clue about what's been happening and I know you both, all of you, actually, have every right to be beyond pissed at me and I can apologize, but I can't change things." Mutters Rachel, "But I am here, though. For whatever you need. I'm not sure I got everything right, but if you want me to go key Lucas' car or hit him or…something. I am here and I promise to not get drunk off my ass again."

"I'm here, too." I assure her, "What do you need?"

"Can you both just sit here with me?" she asks plainly

"Sure." Says Rachel

We both sit there 'quietly supporting her'. "Where's Haley?" she asks after being quiet for a long time

"She's upstairs with Sam and the kids." I answer, "I don't think they heard the fight or anything."

"Good," She says as she nods and we fall into a silence again. After a while we hear someone enter the kitchen and peek in to see that it's Julian. He's finally out.

"Do you want us to go so you two can talk?" asks Rachel

Brooke sits up straight and wipes the remaining tears from under her eyes, "Yeah, but I need to compose myself first."

We both nod in understanding, "Okay, I'm gonna go check on things upstairs." I say, "You good?"

"Getting there." She mutters with an uncertain tone.

Brooke is probably one of the most selfless people I know. She always strives to do better and I honestly believe she will find a way to fix things. It's what we do. We push through, we're survivors.

-oo-

_Winston Groom once wrote: "If you're gonna screw up, do it while you're young. The older you get, the harder it is to bounce back."_

If there's one thing I can say about last night's dinner it's that I, for once, wasn't the one who screwed everyone's plans or relationships or whatever.

I head into the kitchen to find Julian sulking with his iTouch. "What're you listening to so intently?" I ask as I grab it and check what's playing. "Wow, All-American Rejects' Damn Girl. You're really taking Rachel's Brooke-Lucas rant seriously, aren't you?"

He sighs as he takes the headphones off, "Look, I need to go out, get a drink and just be alone. Sadly, this house is full, there's no booze and this is Tree Hill so there're probably no open bars on Christmas day. Unless you can help me with that, leave me alone, Peyt."

I nod, "That's fair." I say, "I can help you." I pull out my keys to Tric, "Lock up when you're done and try to leave some liquor for the actual paying costumers."

Nathan barges in and looks between us, "Sorry, I'll be here." He says as he starts to raid the fridge

I nod and Julian looks at him once before turning to me once more, "Thanks, Peyton." He says as he grabs the keys and heads outside.

"Anytime, Jules." I say as I grab his iTouch and sit on his stool. Nathan sits next to me and starts to eat ice-cream right from the carton.

"Want some?" he asks as he offers me a spoon

I shake my head, "How're you holding up?"

"I'm good." He says as he shoves another spoonful into his mouth, "Brooke's the one who's messed up."

"Gee, thanks, Nate." Says Brooke who just entered the kitchen with Rachel in tow.

"Sowy." He mumbles with his mouth full as he shrugs

"Where'd Julian go?" she asks us seriously, "I need to talk to him."

Nathan and I exchange looks and he stands up, "I'm out of this." He says as he starts to walk into the living room, but bumps into Rachel who doesn't really seem to want to look him in the eye.

"Come on, Gatina." He says as he pushes her in front of him, "We can watch TV and I'll let you lick the spoon." He says jokingly. Rachel laughs. I guess she's relieved that we're all calmed about her dinner show.

Brooke watches them walk away and glares at them before turning to me, "Peyton, I haven't asked you for anything in a really long time, but I'm asking now. If you know were Julian is, tell me."

I sigh, "He went out to get a drink."

She lets out an angry sigh, "Great!" she mutters, "It'll take me forever to find him."

I sigh, too, "More like fifteen minutes." I say as I toss her a copy of my keys. I knew the money I dropped when I copied all of my keys would pay off at some point, "He's at Tric."

"Thanks." She says as she rushes to the door, "Nate, I took your Hummer again!" she yells as she slams the front door.

I stick my head out of the kitchen to find Nathan running to see if he can stop her, but she's already gone. "Jeez, Sawyer, couldn't you have given her your car keys or something?"

I scoff, "I would've, but she's kind of out it and my Comet wasn't meant to be crashed." I say as I grab the pint of ice cream out of his hands and head over to the living room.

He sits next to me and grabs the ice-cream back, "Told B where Julian is?"

"Yep." I say as I start flipping through the channels

"Nice, Peyt." He says in between bites

"Anyone want to fill me in?" pipes up Rachel, "I mean, I know something went down with Brooke and Lucas and Julian, but everything's kind of…um, seriously messed up."

"We're all fine." We reply automatically. It's the group motto. We all refuse to accept we're not fine until the shit hits the fan.

"Right…" she says while rolling her eyes, "And last night I was totally sober."

If nothing else I have to give Rachel points because she's always been able to wade through all the bullshit.


	8. Love, Reflection & Memory

**AN: **Well, here's the next chapter. Hope you guys enjoy it. Also, in case you hadn't noticed, this is kind of nearing its end.

Also, a shout out to Sammy & sab

**Disclaimer: **I own absolutely nothing.

* * *

**Which To Bury: Us Or The Hatchet?**

_Love, Reflection & Memory  
December 25__th __– Part 2_

_-oo-_

_Ayn Rand once wrote: "Love is an expression and assertion of self-esteem, a response to one's own values in the person of another. One gains a profoundly personal, selfish joy from the mere existence of the person one loves. It is one's own personal, selfish happiness that one seeks, earns, and derives from love."_

I am sitting at an empty bar and I am pouring myself my own drinks. Merry Christmas, Julian.

"Julian…" I recognize her voice immediately. She sounds sad.

I was wondering when she'd find me. Heh, Peyton must've told her I'm here. Should've known that she'd sell me out.

"Julian," she says again

I don't move. I don't even turn to look at her. She's been crying and I know that if I look at her I'll just cave and comfort her and tell her things are okay even when they're not because I simply cannot stand to see her sad or in pain.

"Please say something." She whispers

"You know, love is a really funny thing. It's a balancing act. You have to be selfless enough to give the other person what_ they_ deserve, but you have to be selfish enough to demand what _you_ deserve." I still can't look at her. I need to get this whole thing out now.

"I am in love with you. I've been in love you for almost five years now and I want to marry you. I want a future and a family with you. I want _you_…but you just won't let me in. We're engaged and you are still as closed off to me as you were when we started dating. And the more you shut me out the more I let you in and that's all I do. I keep making myself available in hope that you'll finally loose that annoying reflex you have to resist and pull away. And that's sad, really, because I am not this guy." I take a breath to pace myself because I know that, even though what I'm saying is true, it's hurting her. And I hate this part.

"I know Lucas broke your heart and that, maybe, you just don't know how to let him out and me in…and I can understand that, I do, but I deserve more than that. I deserve more than half your heart. I want it all. I've earned it all."

"And you have it." she says as she walks closer to me, "I love you, Julian. I love _you_." She says as she grabs my arm and forces me to look at her. She holds my face in her hands, "I am in this. I am committed and I love you."

I give her a sad grin, wrap my hands around hers and move them. "I know. You just don't love me enough. Not like I love you."

I kiss her forehead and start to make my way to the door.

"Are you walking out on me?" she asks in disbelief

I turn to face her, "No. I would never do that, Brooke." I leave out the part about how hurtful it is that she has to ask me that, "I'm going over to Nathan and Haley's because I promised Jamie we'd break our new guitars in together and I promised Robbie that we'd play together. I wouldn't walk out on them, either."

She nods and I turn to her once more, "I refuse to walk away from us, but I need you to be with me here. I need you to want us, too."

"But I do. I want us. I love you." she says as tears roll down her cheek

"I'm not saying you don't." I tell her, "I'm saying that you have to make a choice. Because I do love you, because I am in this, all the way in, and because it has become a physical impossibility for me to leave you, I need you to choose. Because I can't do it for you."

"Julian…" she whimpers

I walk towards her and kiss her forehead, "I'll see you back at the house, okay?" she nods and I nod back and…that's it. I can't do anything else. It's up to her now…

_-oo-_

_William O'Rourke once wrote: "Regret is an odd emotion because it comes only upon reflection. Regret lacks immediacy, and so its power seldom influences when it would do some good."_

I know I shouldn't be driving while I'm like this. Right now I am so pissed off I can't even see straight.

I walk in through the side door and he's just sitting there drinking coffee like he hasn't just ruined my life, _again_.

"You asshole! When are you just going to let me be happy!?" I yell at him

"Brooke, what –"

"You're an asshole and I hate you! I hate you so much, okay… And Julian is good guy, he's a great guy, and I love him. But I can't do it right because you fucked me up. Its like you just left me permanently damaged! He is right and I'm hurting him and that kills me because he doesn't deserve it."

"What are you –" I won't let him get a word in. This is my time to vent.

"I…I'm…I am his Lucas Scott. I keep him away and I hurt him and I play dumb with him when he calls me out on it. No wonder he feels like shit, I treated him like you treated me. This is your whole entire fault. Why couldn't you've just let me all the way in ten years ago?" I'm hitting his chest like I did at the Naley wedding, only I'm no longer desperate like I was back then. I'm just irate.

"If you had, maybe our relationship wouldn't have ended that badly and maybe I wouldn't be so screwed up. Maybe I could let Julian in or…or maybe we wouldn't have ended at all. I mean, I went through all this crap because, _supposedly,_ you and Peyton were such a fucking meant-to-be fairytale, but she's back with Jake and Jenny playing happy family. So what the hell happened to that stupid True Love Always thing that constantly left me screwed?" I hit the damn table so hard that I can feel my fist pounding, but I don't care.

"You know, I didn't want us to end back then because I did love you. I didn't want to let you go, but I did it. I let go of you lies and your broken promises and I learned to fucking move on. I have a life now. I have a family and a great man who is in love with me, a guy who doesn't need me to ask him to fight for me. I was doing fine and, what, four days back here and I already feel like I am losing all control and my life's just falling apart, _again_."

"I'm sorry, Brooke." I think he says. I'm not paying much attention to him, "Where's this coming from?"

"And you keep on breaking me and I keep on letting you. I've become you and that kills me because I _hate_ you. It's actually more than hate. It's a profound unparalleled loathing. You hurt and break everything and everyone around you and I...I can't…I can't breathe anymore and I can't think…"

I can't talk through the tears and the sobbing anymore. He wraps his arms around me trying to hug me and comfort me, 'I'm sorry' he whispers as he does this, 'I'm so sorry'.

But I don't want him to hug me. I don't want his comfort, so I struggle against his grip, but he doesn't let go. He doesn't stop saying he's sorry and I don't stop crying and hitting him.

Somehow its half an hour later and we're sitting on the kitchen floor. He's still hugging me, rocking me back and forth, while saying he's sorry and I'm still crying. The only thing that's changed is that I no longer have the strength to try to push him off.

I slowly calm myself because what started out as me finally telling Lucas off somehow became us hugging on the kitchen floor and this just makes me feel worse. I sit up straight, back away from him and hug my knees against my chest.

"I am so sorry." He says looking at me, "I am so sorry."

Yeah, so what? Sorry doesn't fix anything, sorry doesn't make me better, and sorry won't help me with Julian so, you know what, you can keep your sorry because it changes _nothing_. It's worth nothing. "I have to go. Coming here was a mistake." Everything was a mistake.

I stand up, take a breath and head outside. "Brooke, wait."

I stop and turn to look at him, "What, Lucas? What could you possibly say to make any of this better?"

"I'm –"

"Sorry?" I ask glaring, "Yeah, I know." I then proceed to slam the door on my way out.

I want to yell at him some more, but I don't have the strength. I feel like I'm just gonna keep on falling apart and nothing's gonna hold me together. And I don't know what to do, what to choose.

_-oo-_

_Robert Louis Stevenson once wrote: "My memory is magnificent for forgetting."_

God, when the hell did everything get so fucking complicated?

Brooke must've been keeping all that in since high school. Was I really that blind and stupid?

Maybe I was just selfish and self involved. I have no idea how I ever thought she'd forgive me. I mean, I knew I messed up, but I had no idea it was this bad. That she felt this bad.

Rachel might have been drunk off her ass, but she sure as hell was right. I'm fucked. We're all fucked. Maybe beyond all repair.

Everything she just said…God, she just ripped my heart out and still, I think that what I'm feeling is not even half of what she's been feeling all this time.

I pick up my phone and dial an all too familiar number that I haven't dialed in a while now. It rings only twice, "I need help." Is all I can manage to utter.

"God, I'll be there in five."

A few minutes later I am lying completely still in my bed when I hear someone knocking on the door, "It's open." I say without moving

I hear a scoff, "You're pathetic. You know that, right?"

I let out a heavy sigh, "Yeah, and you know I called you over here to help me not insult me, right?" I ask back

"Yeah, and I'm your brother which means I've got to right to tell you when you're being a moron and feeling sorry for yourself." Gotta love Nate's version of tough love.

"Thanks for that, Nathan, really." I say sarcastically, "I'm just, I have all this stuff running through my head and I am so lost in my own thoughts and I don't know what to do now…"

"You know, the only reason people have to get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory." He says, "Especially for you, dude."

"Could you be serious for a second? I fucked up so badly, Nate. Brooke just came here and dumped all this things on my lap and I want to be pissed at her because of it, but I can't. She's right." I say, "God, I feel like shit. I mean, I caused her all this pain and…knowing that I hurt her, hurts me. I just feel like shit."

"Oh, man, you're a narcissistic little fucker, you know?" he says, "Your so called pain and hurt are nothing compared to hers. She's been keeping a good steady life and she was going to get married and you just fucked that up. In record time, by the way. She's feeling pain, you," he says scoffing, "You're just feeling _guilt_. There's a huge difference."

My mind is running a thousand miles a minute. I messed up. I know I did. I'm trying to make things better, but I can't. I don't know how. I want to change things up and turn my life around and be the man I once saw a glimmer of being, but I don't know how to pull myself from the shit hole in which I've buried myself.

I jump up, "WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT ME DO, NATE?!" I yell, "I have been a better person, a better man, with Brooke being here the last five days than I have been married to Peyton for three years. We've all been better with her here. We've all been more together than before. I know it's selfish, but I don't want to let her go. I can be better for her this time. I wasn't ready before. I wasn't good for her, but I am now. I am, I can be. She can count on me this time, she can!"

"I know, Lucas!" he yells back, "But things can't just magically fall together again!"

"I know! Don't you think I know that? She _hates_ me." I sit back on the bed and bury my face in my hands, "She just hates me."

Nate then does something totally unexpected. He sits next to me and puts a hand on my shoulder in a comforting way, "She doesn't hate you, man. She only wishes she did…maybe it'd be easier if she did."

"How do you know?" I ask him, "She seemed pretty sure of herself."

"Because I know Brooke. If she hated you, she wouldn't have bothered to come here and yell at you." He says, "She would've just cut you out."

"What do I do know, Nate?" I ask, "Huh, what am I _supposed _to do?"

He stands up and sighs, "You man up, and you let her be happy…with whatever she chooses."

"Would you let Haley go?" I ask him seriously

"I'd let her be happy." He says simply, "That's what you do with the people you love. You let them be happy first." He then walks out leaving me alone with my thoughts.

That's my answer. I man up, I grow a pair, and I let her be happy all the while hoping that she'll pick me…is that the answer?

_-oo-_

_Roger Egbert once wrote: "Your intellect may be confused, but your emotions will never lie to you."_

Well, I am officially addicted to Wii. I've spent the last three hours playing and I lost track of everything and everyone. All I can see is that the house is practically empty.

I walk downstairs and find Jake and Rachel talking on the couch while watching re-runs.

"O…kay," I say looking at them, "Where is everybody?"

"Um, Julian went out and Brooke followed him," explains Rachel

"Then Lucas called Nathan and, since Brooke took his car, Peyton gave him a ride there and that just leaves us." Adds Jake, "This is turning out to be a very weird Christmas." He says matter-of-factly

"And its only one o'clock." Says Rachel, "Plenty of time for things to change up again."

"Okay, well, you two are going to catch me up on everything I missed." I explain as I sit in the armchair across them, "Starting with why you came here drunk off your ass, Rachel. And following with why everybody has fled the house."

"Do we really have to –" she begins to protest, but I stop her

"Ah, yes you do." I assure her, "You ruined the dinner I spent weeks planning. And it only took you about fifteen minutes, so, yeah, I want to know why. You were doing great with Owen. What I want to know is how does great become drunken and crumbling?"

She rolls her eyes before answering, "We were doing great. I was doing great and then we got into this stupid fight and he said things and I yelled then he yelled and I left. I had a flight to catch." she sighs, "I just ended up alone at the airport guy where a guy offered to buy me a drink and then another and, after I lost track, I grabbed a cab here and that was that. No big story or logical and sensible excuse, just one bad decision after another. I am sorry, though. For whatever that's worth."

"Okay," I say as I take that in, "Um…okay. Well, what are –"

This time she cuts me off, "And I don't want to talk about it. I know I'm not exactly in the best position to ask for things, but I'm asking to not talk about it now."

"Uh, Lucas kissed Brooke and she told Julian and now he's gone and she's looking for him and…I don't really know what happened with Lucas." says Jake to aide Rachel and change the subject, "But I'm guessing its all kind of related somehow."

"How come nobody told me this?" I ask in disbelief

"Well, you were with the kids and they don't really need to know anything." Says Jake shrugging

"And I don't think Brooke wants Sam to know all the details." Adds Rachel, "Actually, I don't think she wants anyone knowing all the details, but that moment's passed."

"Oh, my god." I mutter unintelligibly, "What the hell?"

"Well, things got complicated." Says Jake, "We didn't really want to meddle."

"Yeah, I think I've voiced my unwanted opinions enough for the year." Says Rachel

"I…I have to go." I say as I stand up, "Watch the kids."

"Whoa, were are you going?" asks Jake

"I have to go find Luke and see if I can find Nathan and…I have to –"

"Have to what, Haley?" asks Rachel, "You can't fix this."

"You know what, Rae, what happened to not voicing your _unwanted_ opinions." I say as I grab my keys

She raises her arms and kinks an eyebrow, "Okay, fine, we will watch the kids."

"Thank you." I say as I walk to the door.

I let out a deep breath. Rachel's right. This is pointless. Even if I find Lucas or Nate or Brooke I can't do anything. Ugh, it is pointless, but I still have to try. I'm Tutor Mom Haley, its what I do.

_-oo-_

_Jim Morrison once wrote: "People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain, but they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain."_

Pain makes or breaks us. Sometimes we can push trough it and we can come out of it stronger than before. Other times we barely make it trough and come out unfeeling and broken. Either way, pain is part of how we grow. How we learn to manage it and use it and learn from it is part of what defines you.

"Okay, Nate, not that I'm against this extremely fun let's-look-for-Brooke-and/or-Julian mission, but what exactly are you expecting will happen?" I ask him, "What do you want to do?"

"I'm not sure," he answers as he puts his feet up on the dashboard, "But neither should be alone right now. Sometimes just having someone there with you can help."

I slap his feet off of the dashboard and roll my eyes at him, "I'm just saying, we've been driving around for almost three hours and we still haven't found them. Isn't it time to come up with a new plan?"

"Fine, Sawyer," he says cockily as he puts his feet up once more, "You don't like my plan, you come up with a new one."

"Okay, well, first, how do you know they aren't back at the house already?" I ask him in a similar tone

"Because I know Brooke." He says, "You used to know her, too. Do you really think she's back at the house?"

"Okay, I'll give you that one." I say, "And I'll also give you the new plan. We go home, we check on things back there and then we split up because you're annoying the hell out of me and we'll cover more ground that way."

He nods, "Fine, let's do that."

We head home and I punch Nathan in the stomach when I see that I was half right the first time. Julian is already back at the house and he looks, more or less, normal. He's teaching Jamie a guitar chord with Jake while Rachel plays with Robbie.

"Ugh," he groans as he rubs his stomach, "Where's Haley?"

"Um, Haley left a while ago." Says Rachel, "She wanted to find you or Lucas or Brooke."

I fake-cough, "Told you we should've checked in with the house."

"Shut it, Peyt," he says with an annoyed tone, "Why don't you and Jake stay here and handle Julian while Rach and I go find Brooke?"

"What about Hales?" I ask back

"My best guess is that she's with Lucas and, trust me, he needs the company." He says as he snatches away my car keys, "Gatina, move it. You're coming with me."

Rachel puts Robbie down on the couch and stands up to follow Nathan, "Oh…kay, then, I guess I'll be back later." She says before walking out of the living room.

"What was that?" asks Julian with a clear I-don't-really-want-to-know tone.

"Nothing." I answer quickly before turning to Jamie, "Jimmy Jam, why don't you grab Rob and head upstairs to check in on the girls."

He gives us all a look before grabbing Robbie's hand to take him upstairs. It's kind of exasperating that he's smarter than the rest of us.

"Hey, Jules," I say awkwardly as I sit next to him on the couch, "How you doing?"

He glares at me mockingly and says nothing. I turn to Jake, "We are doing better and we're not talking about it right now." He says

"Well, when are we going to talk about it?" I ask, "And do we know where Brooke is?"

"We don't know were Brooke and, uh, I think that once we talk to her and know what's going on we'll be able to talk to everyone else." Responds Jake once more

I open my mouth, but Julian finally speaks up, "Oh, stop it with the we. There is no 'we'. Do not '_we_' me." he says pointedly, "I am calmed and I talked to Brooke and now I'm just waiting."

"Okay," I say nodding, "That's fine. Do you mind if we wait with you?"

He shakes his head, "Is it getting easier now?" I ask, "Is the pain a little less?"

"No, it's not getting easier." He says with an oddly unemotional tone, "And I'm sure the pain is still there, but I'm just…numb."

I gently stroke his back for a second and sigh because I can't help him with this. No one can. That's part of why pain is so, screw the redundancy, _painful_.

_-oo-_

_Bertrand Russell once wrote: "To fear love is to fear live, and those who fear life are already three parts dead."_

"Okay, Scott," says Rachel, "Illuminate me on the plan. What exactly are we going to do here?"

"Well, Gatina, we are going to find Brooke, bring her home and make sure everyone get through this." I respond

"Yeah, but that's the thing," she says, "We're not all going to get through this. Most of us will, but either Lucas or Julian or both are going to get screwed. Brooke doesn't divide in two and one of them is going to have his heart broken. So, again I ask, what do you want to do here?"

She's right. I hate it when Rachel's right. "Look, how about we find Brooke first and deal with whatever comes when it comes." I suggest, "Sound good?"

"Sounds good." She repeats

"Any clue of where she is?" I ask as we make a stop at the light

"Well, where've you checked?" she asks me

"We went to the River Court, Tric, the school, her old house, her other old house, we drove around town randomly for a while and then we came back home." I say defeated, "I'm kind of fresh out so if you have an idea, lets hear it."

"Did you try the café, or, you know, the store." She says, "I know its empty now, but she still keeps the key."

"Lets check it out." I make a U-turn and we head over to the store. I'm seriously hoping she's there because, if she isn't, I don't know were else to look.

I ask Rachel to wait in the car while I go check. The place is dark, but the door is unlocked so I knock before opening the door, "Brooke," I call out, "It's Nathan, you here?"

"Counter." I hear her say, "How'd you find me?"

I walk over to her and trip along the way landing gracefully in front of her, "Rachel." I say as I sit next to her

"Oh,"

"Yeah, oh. How long have you been in here?" I ask

"Depends, what time is it?" she asks

"Um, almost four, I think." I answer back

"Well, then I've been here for almost three hours." she says, "I needed to think and everyone was at the house and I couldn't deal so I came here."

I sigh, "What'd you do to Lucas?" I ask, "He's a pathetic mess and he called me all perturbed."

"I told him off. I was angry and confused and…it was all his fault." She says sounding like an upset child.

I give her a look and she scoffs before speaking again, "I talked to Julian. He pretty much said that he wouldn't leave me, but that I need to make up my mind. That I have to decide on what or, more specifically, _who_ I want a future with."

"Yeah," I say, "But you already knew that you had to make a choice so…"

"So, I'm afraid that I'll choose wrong." She says while staring blankly ahead, "I love Julian. We're good together. But I am not sure of anything anymore. So what happens if I make the wrong choice and I can't take it back? I was certain. A week ago I was certain that I was going to marry Julian and that we'd get our happy ever after. Then I'm wondering if Lucas is the one. And now I'm just scared."

Before I can respond, somebody else does it for me, "Oh, come on, slut. The Brooke Davis I remember is pretty fearless. She knows what she wants and she goes after it."

I should've figured that Rachel was never one to follow instructions so, obviously, she wouldn't simply wait in the car.

"Well, the Brooke Davis you both know is pretty lost right now." She says, "She could use some sort of guidance or a sign or something."

"Here's a sign." I say as I jump off of the counter, "We're going to get you out of here because, so far, this has been the worst Christmas day ever."

"And because we don't crawl up in the dark to sulk, we face our fears head on." Says Rachel, "When things go bad, we don't hide. We fight. We're fighters."

"And what happens if I mess up again?" she asks

"Then you fix it, again." I say, "But you won't mess up because you'll follow your heart this time and you can't be afraid of doing that."

"Okay," she says with a raspy voice as I help her off the counter and we walk outside to head back home.

As I open the door I hear yelling inside. We rush in just as Julian punches Lucas right on the nose. We freeze for a second, but I react and quickly rush over to Jake who's trying to separate them.

"Whoa, man, what the hell's going on?" I ask as I shove Julian against a wall and Jake shoves Lucas, "Calm the hell down!" I yell at them, "Hales, where are the kids?"

"Upstairs with Sam and Peyton." she says as she looks for ice

I look at Jake, who's whispering something to Lucas to see if he can calm him down, and then I look back to Julian who's struggling so that I'll let him go. "Will you calm down?" I ask as I hold him back, "Will you calm down?" I repeat

"Fine!" he yells as he settles, "I'm calm."

I turn to Rachel and Brooke who are just standing there and staring, "Rae, can you make yourself useful and help Haley with the ice?"

She nods and leaves Brooke's side to do as I ask. I glance between Lucas and Julian and they both have their eyes set on Brooke, who appears to have lost all ability to move and talk properly.

"Brooke." They both call out. They take a second to hatefully glare at each other before turning back to her.

Haley and Rachel hand Jake and I an ice bag for Lucas and Julian before walking over to Brooke.

"Brooke, sweetie, you okay?" asks Haley

Brooke just gulps. So much for the whole 'not being afraid' speech.

Rachel takes charge as she grabs both Julian and Lucas' arm, "You two, outside. Come on." She says as she literally drags them, "Move it!"

"Brooke," calls out Jake, "Can you talk or something because Lucas said he wasn't leaving until you talked to him and then Julian got even more upset and then he punched Lucas and now we're here, so I'm thinking that maybe now is the time for you to say something."

"I can't do it this way." she says, "I can't think like this. I can't do it with both of them here, I just…can't."

"Well, Brooke, you have to," says Haley, "Because it's gotten out of hand now and neither of them is willing to back down. They started a fist fight!"

A silence fills the room and we all look at Brooke again, "Hey," I say breaking the silence, "Remember, no fear, just do what your heart tells you."

She nods and heads outside were Rachel is keeping them apart.

I turn to Haley, who turns to Jake, who then turns to me, "How do you think that'll end up?" asks Jake

"Not good..." Answers Haley

"Yeah, definitely," I add as we all head over to the window to sneak a peak at what's going on outside were Brooke is successfully keeping them both apart and saying something about needing time to think. We're kind of out of earshot so I can't really hear everything, but…things _seem_ to be going okay.


	9. Honest, Power & Choosing

**AN: **Well, here's the last part of Christmas day. Um, it starts with Lucas' POV, then Haley, Rachel, Julian, Nathan and, finally, Brooke. Read & review and wait for the next one where things are gonna come to a close.

Also, I wrote this in a haze of Nyquil & Advil (or maybe it was Tylenol)…I might come back and change it if not totally coherent. Oh, and I'll reply to everyone's reviews when I'm feeling better.

**Disclaimer: **I own absolutely nothing (and it's not like I'd want to considering all the crap that came after season three)

* * *

**Which To Bury: Us Or The Hatchet?**

_Honest, Power & Choosing  
December 25__th __– Part 3_

_-oo-_

_Henry Miller once wrote: "Every man, when he gets quiet, when he becomes desperately honest with himself, is capable of uttering profound truths."_

I ignore Brooke's shrieks and plead to stop fighting, even though we're not exactly hitting each other right now, but that doesn't stop either of us from trying. Yes, we're both _that_ mature.

"God, can you two knock it off!" she yells as she tries futilely to separate us once more, "Just stop, enough!"

"Jeez, just whip them out and measure already!" shouts Rachel as she kicks us both in the shin. Thank god she's not wearing heels.

"Now, are we all calmed?" she asks after shoving us apart

"Nice, Rae, really," says Brooke with a twinge of sarcasm, "Julian can you, please, just go inside?"

"Are you serious?" he asks angrily. I can't help but to smirk at that.

"Yes, I am." she responds calmly and seriously, "I can't talk to either one of you when you're trying to hit each other like petulant and stubborn children…so, yeah, I need you to go inside with Rachel so I can talk to Lucas and then he'll go."

She turns to me with a stern look, "He'll go." She assures him once more

"Fine!" he says as Rachel gives him a slight, somewhat supporting push back inside the house.

She now turns to me. Hands placed authoritatively on her waist, eyes uncompromising, "Luke, what the hell are you doing here?" she asks harshly, "You _really_ can't be here right now."

I take only one second to pace myself and make sure I have my words because, with Brooke, I can never truly find the right words and that can't happen this time. I need to get it right.

"I know. I don't plan to stay here that long anyway. Look, you said a lot of stuff and I didn't get to say anything back. I need to say something and it's my turn now, you had your turn and now it's mine. Before, when I just kissed you out of the blue and said nothing, I was ineffectual. I was unclear. My life's just been in disarray lately, and I was unclear. So just listen, okay. I…I mess up, a lot. But you were wrong before, you are nothing like me. You're thoughtful and attentive and caring and selfless and sweet and nurturing. You're wonderfully fallible. When you smile it's like I just feel…warm. And you may be flawed, but you're unbelievably kind. That's what makes you so endearing, the fact that when you make a mistake you work harder than anyone I know to make up for it. That's something to aspire to, and that also makes you a much better person than me. I hurt you and, maybe, I did leave you damaged, but I want to…I won't do that again. I know that means nothing, but there it is. I am different, I've changed and I can be better…because I love you." I say unfalteringly

"I _love_ you. I mean, how could I not? I didn't get to say it before, but I'm saying it now. And you're not a second choice. I don't want you now because I don't have Peyton. I want you because of you. Because I've wanted you for almost four years and I've just been too stupid and too lazy to do something about it. And I'm not naïve. I know that if we do this it's going to be hard. We'll probably fight a lot, but at the end of the day I'll be there, and you'll be there and we'll make it through. You and I, we can be perfectly imperfect together. And I want that. I want to wake up with you every morning and fall asleep with you every night. I want us and I want a future for us. And I wasn't ready for that before, but I'm ready now. I didn't come here to pressure you. I came here because you needed to know this."

She looks up at me with her sad hazel eyes, "Look, I wanted us. For a really long time, I wanted you to want me back and I wanted to be your Pretty Girl and I wanted you to be my Broody again. But that was a long time ago. Things have changed now. You got married and, you know, divorced and I got engaged and I have Sam. I can't drop everything and run back to you. It doesn't work like that."

"I understand that you gave up on us a long time ago and I understand that its unfair of me to just unload this on you out of the blue like that. So, I get why you were –_are_ –angry, why you have a 'profound unparalleled loathing' for me." I say, "I know that its difficult to readjust everything so quickly, but, Brooke, this is our chance. If you want it, too, this is it. I'm not walking away, I'm not walking out. This is me letting you all the way in. I know its been long overdue, but better late than never."

"I, uh, I don't really loathe you." she mutters doubtfully and randomly, "I was upset and I needed to vent and it just came out. I'm not saying you didn't deserve _some_ of it, but I just, uh, needed to get some of my pent up anger out. And you were there. And I was mad at you…and myself. But thank you for saying that. It means a lot to me."

"Okay, then," I say nodding, "I get it. It's okay."

She nods, too, "I need you to go now, though. I can't, um…you can't be here."

"Okay, I, uh, I'll go." I say with a weak smile, "See you later, Brooke."

I turn around to walk back home and I can hear her let out a heavy sigh.

Is it me or is this the longest day ever?

_-oo-_

_William M. Thackeray once wrote: "Leave them alone. Don't always be meddling with their affairs, which they can manage for themselves. Don't be always insisting upon managing their boats, and putting your oars in the water with theirs."_

After pressing ourselves against the kitchen window for, like, ten minutes to try and overhear what's going on outside we've all gone back to our day as usual. I'm preparing dinner with Jake since he's the only other person here who can actually cook. Nathan, Peyton and the kids have gone outside to set up the basketball hoop and play a game. And Rachel is in a heated game of Guitar Hero.

"What happened in here?" asks Brooke as she enters the house once more, "Why is everyone so…normal?"

"Because we have come to the conclusion that no good comes from meddling." I say as I continue to prepare the salad, "I tried to meddle and everything went to hell and I'm not doing that anymore. Every single person here is a grownup. You, Julian and Lucas can handle your problems without my input or anyone else's for that matter."

"So you're just…" says Brooke with a bewildered tone

"Not meddling, not butting in, not voicing opinions on the subject, not passing any judgment." I clarify for her, "I am also kicking you out of my kitchen. You should go upstairs and shower or something. You look like shit."

"That was passing judgment and voicing an opinion." whispers Jake

"Whatever!" I say exasperated, "I can't turn it _all_ off. I'm just staying out of her love life." Which, honestly, still leaves plenty of issues up for discussion, but I won't meddle with those, either.

Brooke scoffs and walks away to the living room. I go back to my cooking.

"You know, Hales, this isn't all because you 'meddled'." Says Jake, "It's not your fault."

I sigh because some part of me believes that this is not really my fault. But there's this other part of me that believes that I should've known better than to think that I could deal with this and simply repair everything that went wrong. Now I've just accepted that this is and always has been out of my hands.

"Let's just…finish dinner." I say avoiding the subject, "You know, let them eat cake."

"Right." he says smiling, "Because we're not meddling anymore."

"No. We are not." I assure him with a smile, "They can fend for themselves. They're grownups, after all."

He snorts and cocks an eyebrow, "If you say so, Hales."

I laugh, too, because I know none of us has ever fully grown up. We've matured –well, _some_ of us –but, deep down, we're all still the same hopeful know it alls we were back in high school and I don't really think that's ever going to go away. Which, if you think about it, its kind of sad because, as much as we try to romanticize it, high school wasn't exactly the best time of our lives. It may've had its moments, but for the most part we were all just…miserable.

_-oo-_

_Henry Miller once wrote: "The aim of life is to live and to live means to be aware. Joyously, drunkenly, serenely, divinely aware."_

Brooke walks into the living room and plops herself next to me, "Hey, whore, called Owen yet?"

"Hi, slut, I haven't. Talked to Julian yet?" I reply before pausing my game

"I haven't." she says while staring at the TV

I toss her a box and go back to my game, "Merry Christmas, it's kind of a lame gift and I'm not sure it's entirely appropriate now, but that's what I got you."

She opens it up without much excitement. This is proving to be a very shitty Christmas so presents seem pretty irrelevant.

She stares at it for a few minutes without speaking. "Well, I know I said it's a lame gift, but that doesn't mean I don't want a thank you and some fake enthusiasm." I say breaking the silence

"Yeah," she says in an abnormally raspy voice. She clears her throat before talking again, "Yes, thank you. It's not lame, it's nice."

"Appropriate?" I ask

"Um, yeah." She responds doubtfully, "I just…I'd forgotten that day. Is this my –"

"Your birthday." I say as I grab the picture frame from her hands. It's her and Julian with me and Owen sitting together on a pool table, "We went to that new club were all the bartenders knew Owen, but didn't know us." I let out an involuntary chuckle, "It was a fun night." I say shrugging it off and handing it back to her

"Yes, it was." she answers, "Things seemed easier back then, I was surer about..._stuff_. Now everything's just upside down and I'm not sure of anything."

"You know, being _aware_ of your shit and actually _overcoming_ your shit are two totally different things." I tell her matter-of-factly, "Guess which one you're doing."

"Okay, fine!" she shrieks frustrated, "If you just have all the answers then just tell me. How do I 'overcome' my shit?"

I scoff, "I don't have all the answers. I used to overcome my shit with alcohol, which has proven to be neither helpful nor healthy. Also, since you had to get rid of all the liquor in this house it' s not really an option anymore." I shrug, "Guess you're screwed."

"God, Rae, can't you just drop the sarcasm and the mockery and just _help_ me?" she asks pleadingly, "Or at least say something useful."

"Okay," I stand up to face her and grab her shoulders, "Here's my sage, wise, honest, _useful_ advice: don't bullshit yourself. You already know what you want. You just need to believe that you're right in wanting it. And no one can help you with that."

"Huh," she says with a pensive pout, "That was actually good." She says impressed

"I know, right?" I say as we both sit back down, "And you should probably head upstairs and talk to Julian seeing that you kicked him inside to talk to Lucas."

"Yeah."

After a weird silence during which neither of us moves and we both just stare blankly ahead I decide to speak again, "You gonna go now?"

"Yep." She says before standing up and dashing upstairs.

I pick up the guitar again and go back to playing. I gotta say, it's a sad, sad state of affairs when I'm the one who can be the voice of reason to the group…_seriously_.

_-oo-_

_Marcus Aurelious once wrote: "If you are distracted by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your own estimate of it. And this, you have the power to revoke at any moment."_

I'm humming along to a random song in my iPod because I just put it on shuffle to drown out my thoughts. After all the rambling speeches and dramatics of the day I find myself slowly sinking back into feeling calm and mellow. It's actually kind of nice.

I look up and see that Brooke is walking over to the bed and sitting next to me. "Hey," she says as she falls down next to me, "How's your hand?"

"It's good." I say as I open it and close it a couple of times, "It doesn't hurt anymore."

"That's good." She says while fiddling with her hands, "How are we?"

"About the same way we were this morning." I say with a shrug, "I'm here for you, and I'm not pressuring you."

We sit there in silence for a few seconds, but it doesn't last long. Brooke's never been the kind of girl to be comfortable with uncomfortable silences.

"Okay," she whispers, "Are you mad at me?"

"No."

"Really?" she asks as she sits up slightly, "Because you haven't yelled yet. I mean, you punched Lucas, but that was Lucas. You and I haven't really had it out and I'm just, I'm ready."

"You're ready for me to yell at you?" I ask with a confused frown

"Yes," she says as jumps out of bed and starts pacing, "You punched Lucas, you lost it and you hit him. I'd rather have you and me talking it out, it's much more civil."

"Look, I did lose it." I say as I sit by the foot of the bed, "But he just showed up out of the blue and I got angry and it came to blows. It happened and I'm sorry."

"Are you really?" she asks refusing to let it go, "Because you almost broke his nose and –"

"Are you honestly defending him to me right now?" I ask incredulously, "You're seriously worried about him?"

"I'm worried about _you_." And so, in classic Brooke Davis style, she manages to avoid answering the question while still remaining on topic. I hate it when she does that.

"Well, don't be. I'm fine." I say with an even tone

"Okay, I'm sorry –"

"Please, stop apologizing." I say cutting her off, "I'm not mad and I'm not gonna hit him again. I'm calmed and I'm just…waiting. Is there really anything else I can do?"

She sighs and bites her lower lip pensively, "I, uh, I really want to say something great right about now, but all I can think of is 'I'm sorry'."

We stare at each other and I burst out laughing as we fall back in the bed, "Ugh, don't laugh at me!" she demands

I stop laughing and smile at her, "I'm –"

She cuts me off, "Sorry?" she asks gloatingly, "Hard to come up with something better to say on the spot, isn't it?"

"Yes." I say with a roll of my eyes, "Yes, it is."

She leans in and kisses my forehead smiling at the fact that, at least for a second, our silly banter came back. "I'm gonna head out, let you be 'mellow'." She says, "But this was nice."

I grin back at her, "Yeah, yes, it was."

I lie back in bed and just smile once more at the fact that we can still be us. Even in the middle of the drama and everything else going on around us we can still be just us.

_-oo-_

_Orson Welles once wrote: "We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone."_

"Okay," I say as I tighten the final screw on the hoop, "It is set."

Jamie and Robbie whoop while Peyton, Sam and Jenny sit on the porch swing drawing and reading gossip magazines mutter an unenthused 'yay'.

"Okay, you three are no fun." I say as I put Robbie on my shoulders, "Come on guys, we'll play three on three. Boys vs. Girls."

"Okay, Nate, I was a cheerleader in high school. I _cheer_, I don't play." Replies Peyton without looking up from her sketchpad.

"Man, you are such a party pooper." I say I toss Jamie the ball, "What about you two, you in?" I ask Sam and Jenny

They mutter a 'whatever' and Rachel pops out, "I'll play you."

"Thank you," I say smiling, "Finally someone with a Scott Christmas spirit!"

"Okay, how is playing a game of basketball Christmas spirit?" asks Peyton skeptically

"Um, hello, we're basketball players." I explain, "Jamie's already on the team and Robbie has a killer jump shot. Right, buddy?" I ask looking up at the raven-haired kid on my shoulders

He laughs and slaps my hand, "Yeah, daddy."

"Alright, Hotshot, mellow out on the dramatic." Says Sam as she puts down her magazine, "I'll play."

She unexcitedly bumps knuckles with me and I laugh, "See Jen, Sammy has the Scott spirit. How about you?"

"Yeah, Jen, come on." Says Jamie with an oddly familiar tone, "I'll let you score one."

"Oh, it is so on." She says as she stands up and walks over to Rachel and Sam.

"You guys go on." Says Peyton, "I'll cheer from the sidelines."

We begin to play and it turns out that the girls have game. Who knew?

"And so the Scott Men claim yet another victory!" I say boastfully, "We rock!" I then proceed to break out in a chorus of 'Because when we arrive, we, we bring the fire. Make you come alive, I can take you higher. What is this, forgot? I must now remind you, let it rock.'

I stop and kneel in front of Robbie when he tugs at my leg, "What's up, kiddo?"

"But, daddy, we aren't the Scott Men without Uncle Luke." he says matter-of-factly. Honestly, the fact that both my kids are painfully smart can sometimes sneak up on me in the most unexpected ways.

We all exchange uncomfortable looks and, strangely enough, Rachel comes to the rescue

"Yeah, okay, Robbie K." she says as she picks him up and throws him over her shoulder, "It's getting dark and dinner's gonna be ready soon."

She then tickles his belly and he bursts out laughing seemingly forgetting his previous comment.

"Saved by the Rachel." Says Peyton as she walks over to us, "Here you go, J." she says handing him a drawing

He smirks, "Peyton's a good cheerleader, dad. She gets us souvenirs." He says showing it to me. It's me with Robbie on my shoulders, Sam and Rachel guarding us, and Jamie messing around with Jenny. It looks really good considering she drew it in the dark and in under an hour.

Jake pop his head out the front door and says, "Hey, guys, time to wash up. Dinner's almost ready."

Everyone runs in after him except Rachel and I. "How you handling the day, Gatina?"

"Pretty good, considering that it was less than ten hours ago that I was falling into your downstairs toilet." She says calmly, "But all in all, the day's been pretty eventful and I've been the picture of good behavior."

"Yes, something's definitely off about today." I say jokingly only to have her kick me.

"Seriously, though, I'm not proud of last night. I lost control and I shouldn't have. I know better than to drink. I mean, I threw away three years sober in one night over one stupid fight."

"You and Owen will make up. You guys are annoyingly compatible and, I don't know, he gets you and he has a way of calming you that I've only ever seen on Brooke before and…he's actually better at it. Plus, he's a good influence on you." I say as I playfully nudge her, "You'll be fine."

"I just…I was alone. And it was Christmas Eve." She says sadly, "I didn't want to be alone."

I put my arm around her shoulder and she offers me a confused smile, "You're not alone, Rae. I'm here for you. We're here for you."

"It's good to know." She says as she wipes off a crocodile tear. In typical Rachel fashion she likes to hide anything that might make her seem human and vulnerable, "Now, enough of the sob fest. Let's go wash up."

As we walk inside I find myself grateful for having Rachel here. She might've been drunk and she might be afraid and messed up, but she got us all out of our stupor and made us face ourselves. For that I owe her, and I'm here for her so she's not alone.

_-oo-_

_Louisa May Alcott once wrote: "Painful as it may be, a significant emotional event can be the catalyst for choosing a direction that serves us –more effectively. Look for the learning."_

I can't believe that it's almost ten o'clock and that I am hiding out in my nine-year-old godson's room hugging his fluffy Superman pillow. I've officially reached a new level in pathetic. It's not even funny anymore, it's just sad.

"Hey, Aunt Brooke," says Jamie perplexed. "You missed dinner, you know?" Busted.

"Yeah." I answer stoically

He walks over and climbs into bed next to me, "What are you doing in my room?"

I sigh and decide to answer honestly. The only person I've never lied to, _ever_, is Jamie and I'm not about to start now, "Hiding." I say while staring at the ceiling. He has the constellations drawn on it. I've never noticed that before…

"From what?" he asks, "Or, you know, who?"

"Everyone." I answer absentmindedly

"Are you gonna answer everything I ask with just one word?" he asks with a Nathan-like cocky smirk and tone. Like father, like son, I guess.

"No." I roll my eyes at my answer, "Sorry, no, I'm not. Full sentences only from now on."

"You know, they say the only real love is the first one. The rest are just for forgetting." He says, "Do you believe that?"

I let out a deep breath, "I don't think I'm the best person to ask about relationships. Or love for that matter. I don't know anything."

"If you say so." He says as he tucks his hands under his head

"Where'd you hear that anyways?" I ask purely out of curiosity, "It sounds seriously overreaching for an eight year old, even one as smart as you."

"A song." He says, "Why are you hiding here?"

"Because I'm scared, sweetie." I say simply, "I'm usually not. I don't falter or doubt myself. I'm Brooke Davis for god's sake."

"Brooke _Penelope_ Davis." He clarifies with a smile

"Exactly!" I say exasperated, "I do not waiver, I am certain and sure of myself and I see what I want and I go after it!"

"So what's different this time?" he asks

"Everything."

"You don't suck at relationships, Aunt Brooke. You put yourself out there and that's what it's all about." He says with an abnormal amount of certainty, "I read a few chapter's of Uncle Lucas' book before mom found and took it away." He explains, "She said that I won't be old enough to read it until I'm thirty."

I scoff, "Try forty. I mean, I'm proud of your uncle, but that book immortalized some of my not so shining high school moments." He opens his mouth, but I stop him before he can say anything, "You know, lets just not talk about that until you're older."

He laughs and raises his hand, "Pinky promise?" He asks me

"Pinky promise." I assure him as we link our pinky fingers.

"Julian left after dinner." He says, "He went out for a walk."

"Oh." I say for a lack of a more intelligent answer. Those seem to be lacking me a lot lately.

"Uncle Lucas is at the River Court. I called him."

"Oh." I say once more.

"Enough with the 'oh'," he says he sits up, "Get off my bed and _go_. You've had enough time to think about this, you've been brooding and sulking and that is not my Aunt Brooke. You know what you want. You always know, that's why it's hard. Following your heart and making the right choice its not always easy, but if you let fear beat you, you're always going to feel bad."

I sit up, too, and smile proudly, "How old are you, again?"

"Old enough." He answers smugly

I jump out of bed and kiss his forehead, "I'm glad you're my godson."

"Me, too," he reassures me before kissing my forehead back, "Go, _move_."

I suddenly feel this weird rush and I just decide to walk it. As I run I realize that might not have been the best plan seeing as it's getting colder by the minute and I didn't even bother to grab a coat. Still, I keep on moving, I keep on running. I get there just as I start to run out of breath.

I just stare at him as he paces casually and kicks around a rock or something.

He suddenly looks at me and sighs. I close my eyes for a second because I feel all my words and courage slowly leaving me. I can barely breathe.

"Hey –"

And just like that, my lips are working again and I find my words. "Don't." I say as I hold a hand up, "Please, I need to get this out. I was…confused before, I was scared, but I'm not anymore. I'm certain and I'm steady and I'm sure."

"Your voice is shaking." He says with an annoying knowing tone.

"Shut up." I instruct, "I know what I want. And what I want is us, you and me, a family. I want a future for us, kids. Maybe a dog, too, I like dogs. I don't know if we're dog owner people, but I think we'd be good at it. It's going to be tough and intense. We have a lot of things to work through, but I am not going to run anymore. I want to plan forever with you."

"Well, are you –"

"Don't." I say as I bring a finger to his lips and smile, "Just don't." I lean in closer to him. As my lips find and capture his I feel any doubt and uncertainty that might've crept up on me before fall away. I know that's it's been him all along, that my lips could never fit so perfectly into anyone else's as well as they do with his.

**TBC**

* * *

**AN: **Well, Brooke made her choice, but you guys won't get to know who that is until next chapter (partly to keep the mystery alive & partly because I have two halves of two different endings and I still haven't picked one).


	10. Forevers, Farewells & Moments

**AN: **Well, this is it. You guys finally get to see who Brooke ends up with. There's some Haley/Rachel, Naley, Nathan/Lucas, Rake, Brachel, Laley, Bramie, and others. It's got plenty of sucky parts, but, whether you like it or not, please don't bring out the pitchforks 'cause deep down I'm a sensitive guy.

Also, here are the shout outs to all of you whose reviews I can't reply: Tanya; Meghan; Stephanie; Sophia; All 3 Anonymous Reviewers; Mindy, Nadia, Leila (who leaves me all that tough love); Mary; Jade (that was really deep considering it was about shoes...I'll assume its a girl thing I'm not going to get.); nina; ipodder; sab; BDavis13; Laura B.; Val; Julie; SV (dude, your review was, like…poetic or something. I liked it.)

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing…seriously.

**Which To Bury: Us Or The Hatchet?**

_Forevers, Farewells & Moments  
December 26__th_

_-oo-_

_Gretchen Kemp once wrote: "There's a place in me where your fingerprints still rest, your kisses still linger, and your whispers softly echo. It's the place where a part of you will forever be a part of me."_

We've been walking around aimlessly for almost three hours, but neither of us is tired. I don't know, I guess there's something about the moonlight. It's always underneath the starry blue sky that everything becomes clearer somehow and everything else just...fades away.

"_Don't." I say as I bring a finger to his lips and smile, "Just don't." I lean in closer to him. As my lips find and capture his I feel any doubt and uncertainty that might've crept up on me before fall away. I know that it's been him all along, that my lips could never fit so perfectly into anyone else's as well as they do with his._

"_I love you, Brooke Davis." He says as we break the kiss off_

"_I love you, too, Julian Baker." I say smiling_

"_Look at that," he says as he gently lifts my chin up, "A smile with dimples and all."_

Like I said, something about the moonlight and the stars…

I knock on the ever-familiar door once and Lucas opens up wearing only a pair of boxers and a drowsy look.

I smile at the sight and say, "Hey,"

He rubs the back of his head in confusion, "Brooke," he mutters, "It's, like, two am. Is everything okay?"

"Yeah," I answer, "Everything is fine, I just…I needed to talk to you. Can I come in?"

He nods, "Sure, I'll make us some coffee."

We sit down on the kitchen table and quietly sip our coffee for a few minutes before he finally leans forward and ask, "Why are you here, Brooke? I mean, I'm glad to see you. It's good, but…just, why are you here?"

"I've been out all night." I explain as I run the tip of my finger along the edge of my cup, "I, uh, I went to find Julian at the park and we've been strolling through town for almost three hours. We're staying together. We're getting married."

He looks heartbroken, but only for a second. He quickly covers it up which seemed odd because he usually likes to feel his feelings right out in the open. It usually bothers me, but right now I wish I could know what he was thinking in the vague hope that it would make this a little less uncomfortable.

"Congratulations." He mumbles

"Thanks." I whisper back, "Look, I just wanted to tell you about it in person. I didn't want you to hear it from someone else. And I wanted to tell you before I left for LA."

The awkward and uncomfortable silence wastes no time in settling in. This time I don't speak because there really is nothing I can say at this point that would make a difference.

"Did I ever have a chance?" he asks

"Yes." I answer honestly, "You're Lucas Scott. You're the first boy I fell in love with. The guy I wrote 82 letters to and the guy who kissed me in the pouring rain. And I'm always gonna love you because of that, but we're not those people anymore. This isn't high school and we are not the same. We don't know each other anymore and the truth is there is no going back. I'm in love with Julian now and he's my future. I mean, I'm always going to love you. It's just a different kind of love. You're permanently imprinted in me, but that doesn't mean we end up together. I moved on, I grew up. Our past doesn't get to repeat itself and I can't apologize for that."

"It wouldn't be a repeat." He says as his hand lingers above mine, "We'd be better this time."

"I don't want us to be better. I want us to be over and I want you to get that." I say, "I'm making a future for myself, a family, and you aren't a part of that. Not in the way you want to be."

He sighs painfully, "I'm…and we're…I have to let you go. I have to let you be happy, even if it's not with me. You deserve it and I don't want to stand in the way of that. I just wanted to be one who made you happy." He finishes by putting on a fairly forced smile

I nod and the silence falls back on us, but its not so much awkward anymore. It's just quiet and…oddly calm.

"Does Julian know you're here?" he asks after a while

"Yes," I answer, "He's waiting for me."

"He's cool with this?" he asks again, surprised

I nod, "So long as you don't kiss me goodbye, yeah." I say to try and lighten the mood.

We both laugh somewhat bitter sweetly and he walks me to the door. "I'll see you, Brooke."

"Take care, Luke." I say with a grin before we both pull each other in for a hug –a patented Brooke/Lucas hug and he places a delicate kiss on my forehead.

It was a nice way to say goodbye. Fitting, but still kind of sad.

I give him a smile and walk outside and stroll along happily to the spot where Julian's waiting for me. "Hi, sorry, did I take long?"

"No, just a few minutes." He says casually, "Did you get…whatever it was you needed?"

"Yeah," I say nodding, "You know, Lucas represents a part of myself that I always struggled with. All these possibilities and could've beens that I held on to. But I don't want what could've been. I want what we have right now, our family and our life. Last time we just left and I didn't want to do it like that this time. I didn't want us to just run away again. I wanted to give it an ending so you and I could have a real, official start with no baggage and nothing unresolved."

"That sounds nice." he says pulling me up closer to him and tightening his arms around my waist. He grins at my playful smile before pulling me closer once more, this time to his lips.

I sigh, "Did you get bored waiting for me?" I ask as we resume our slow, steady walk around town.

"Well, it always sucks a little when I'm not with you, but it wasn't bad." he says shrugging, "I actually got a really good view of the stars. You can't see them like that in LA."

I look up as well and see the sky lit up. It's like our own personal light show. "No, you really can't."

"You know, not one of those stars compares to you. Especially when you're happy and smiling. You're perfect." He says with his usual charm, "Wanna go home?"

"I'd love to." I say as I link my arm with his, "I'd love it even more if you carried me back." I add pouting

"Are you serious?"

"Come on! It's late and I'm worn-out and tired and I ran all the way to the park and we've been walking around for hours." I say in my cute, but whiny tone, "I promise I'll make it worth your while later." I add flirtatiously

He sighs in defeat, "Okay, but I'm tired, too, so if you end up falling off you do not get to complain." He says as I jump on his back

"Oh, you better not drop me 'cause if we fall down now, we're never getting up." I demand, "Not to mention we'd freeze."

"Relax, Dimples," he says as we tumble down the street, "I _won't_ drop you. I'm still your wingman and I got your back and that includes not letting you fall flat on your ass. Plus, I know how to keep you warm, remember?"

"Aw, I love it when you say loving stuff with the word 'ass' in the end." I say sarcastically, "It just adds a more dreamy feel to it, babe."

"Ah, you know me, hon." He says with a similar tone, "I'm just an endless romantic."

"You know I kind of love you," I say matter-of-factly

"Eh," he says sighing, "Good, cause I kind of love you, too."

I clutch his chest tightly and smile to myself feeling peculiarly happy. That's the thing about Julian. He always has a way of making me happy without even trying and I don't how, but it just happens when I'm with him. And I can't explain it or reason it, it just is.

_-oo-_

_Charles R. Swindoll once wrote: "We cannot change the fact that people act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude." _

It's three thirty am and we're still waiting to hear from Brooke. Or Julian or Lucas. They're not answering their cells and we've left them, like, ten messages.

I'm pacing around the living room and Rachel throws a cushion at me, "What the hell?" I ask as pick it up and throw it back at her

"Ugh, you dragged me out of bed to watch you pace." She protests, "I get to throw cushions at you. Especially since Sam has now taken my comfy bed upstairs and I'm stuck with the couch."

"Aren't you a little worried?" I ask seriously

"No," she groans, "Brooke's a big girl and she can handle herself. Besides, its Tree Hill how much trouble can she get into?"

"Ugh, it's the mom in me." I say as I sit down, "I worry, its what I do."

"God, I am one step away from running upstairs and crawling into your bed." She says, "I don't know how Sam's been sleeping on this thing for a week."

"She's a teenager. They can sleep everywhere." I comment absentmindedly

"Just go to bed!" she yells from underneath a pillow, "You know your kids will be up in less than six hours and they're tireless. Besides, Brooke's gonna do what she's gonna do."

"I know, but I'm just apprehensive about everything. It's complicated, I guess." I pause to let out a sigh, "Plus, I'm not meddling anymore." Which has proven to be easier said than done.

"Yeah, that's working out _really_ well." She mutters as she pulls Robbie's Spiderman blanket over her head

At this moment I hear the front door open and someone stumbling in. "Brooke?" I call out, "Is that you?"

"Its us." Says Julian as he walks into the living room hand in hand with Brooke, "Why are you two up?"

"Yeah, you didn't have to wait up for us." Adds Brooke as she glances at Rachel wrapped up in blankets

"Told you!" she yells as she tosses me another cushion

"Well, were the hell have you been? It's been hours since you both left?" I ask before pausing for a second, "And that was a totally non-meddling question."

"We've been walking and talking." Says Julian, "We lost track of time."

"Yeah, Tutor Mom, we just had a lot of things to talk through."

"So, does this mean you two are…?" I ask looking between them

"Yeah," assures me Brooke smiling

I don't know whether to let out a sigh of relief because things are back on track for Brooke or to let out a sigh of worry because this is probably killing Lucas.

"Congrats." Says Rachel before burying herself under the covers once more

"Wow, that was heartfelt." Says Julian sarcastically, "Thanks, Rach."

Brooke laughs, "Let's just go upstairs and crawl into bed. It's been a long day and I'm tired and we all have to get up soon."

"I second that, babe." responds Julian

Brooke gives me a goodnight hug and they head upstairs leaving Rachel and I alone again.

When they're finally out of earshot I sigh, just a regular sigh, "Do you think she talked to Lucas?" I ask without moving

"Probably. It's Brooke." She answers back, "Heh, Nathan owes me fifty bucks."

"From what?" I ask

"Oh, I bet him on who Brooke would pick." She says shrugging it off

I roll my eyes and scoff, "That is just so wrong on so many levels."

We both laugh for a second and I speak again, "Do you think I should go see Lucas now?"

She groans in frustration, "God, Haley, just go to bed. Let things settle; let Lucas be sad and process. Sometimes it's good to mourn things before trying to be okay. You can check on him tomorrow when everything isn't so fresh."

"When did you become the wise, knowledgeable one?" I ask somewhat bitterly

"That's always been me." She answers back, "Go to bed!"

"Night," I say as I head upstairs.

Ugh, it's hard not to interfere. Not because I think I can be some big help, but because it sucks to see the people I care about hurting and not do anything about it...at least I don't have to worry about Brooke anymore.

_-oo-_

_Winston Churchill once wrote: "We shall draw from the heart of suffering itself the means of inspiration and survival."_

I half open my eyes when I feel Haley getting into bed, "Ugh, what time is it?" I grunt drowsily

"Like three thirty," she answers as she cuddles up to me, "Maybe four."

Normally I'd turn to cuddle up to her, too, but I am way too tired to move…or think.

"You owe Rachel fifty bucks." She says matter-of-factly

I try to remember for a second why I would owe Rachel anything and then it dawns on me, "Oh." is all I manage to articulate, "Okay. Good."

"Okay." She whispers back as we both fall in a hazy shallow sleep knowing that in three, four hours, tops Robbie and/or Jamie are going to barge in here, jump on the bed and wake us. Ah, the joys of parenthood.

I let out a low groan when I feel the weight of my three year old as he sits on top of my stomach. Man, I'm getting old. "Daddy," Says Robbie as he jumps up and down, "It's morning, wake up."

I slowly open my eyes and glance at the clock. Four hours exactly. "Ugh, morning, Rob." I say with a gruff tone, "How about you jump off of daddy?"

He shakes his head, "You're comfy, daddy."

"And you're heavy." I say as I roll him off and start to tickle him while he squeals and laughs loudly.

He jumps on my back and we head downstairs to get some breakfast. "Morning, hon." I say as I set Rob down in a stool and lean in to give her a quick kiss.

She pours us our morning cereal and Jamie drags Robbie into the living room to watch morning cartoons

"Do they know?" I ask

"Yeah," she says, "I mean, they know that Brooke and Julian together. I don't know how much they know about the situation as a whole, but they know the basics."

I nod and notice she has her worry face on so I ask the obvious question, "Have you talked to Luke?"

"No." she says while shaking her head, "I was going to head over there last night, but Rachel talked me out of it and now everyone's asleep and I couldn't leave the kids alone and I don't want to just call him...ugh, I haven't even gotten around to eating breakfast."

"Okay, well, I'll go." I say as I stand up, "Look, I'll check on him now and you can go when the kids are done with everything."

"You sure?" she asks

"Yeah. It'll be better if I go first. I'll be your buffer." I say before leaving

At this point I just barge in without knocking and find him sitting there in his boxers looking sad and pathetic, "Hey man, how's it going?" I ask as I sit next to him

"Um, seriously," he says while staring blankly ahead, "You're really asking me that question? Of all the things you could say, that's what you're saying?"

"Oh, you know, the experts say that the first step is to get you to talk about how you're feeling." I say shrugging, "And don't be mean, I could leave you all alone and pathetic until Haley gets here."

He sighs, "I'm sorry. I just…there was this moment where I thought that she would give us a shot. I thought we had a shot. Now it's just really over. And I didn't think it'd be really over." He pauses, "When she came back, it just felt right. Like it was right all along."

I sigh and pat his back in the most non-condescending way I can manage, "Yeah, well, the things we truly want always seem right at the time."

He hangs his head and groans, "Ugh, I just…I'm frustrated. I went from being a possibility to being nothing and I don't know what to do now. I let her go, but what now?"

"Look, letting go isn't exactly a one time thing. It's something you do everyday until, one day, you don't have to anymore." I say honestly, "It sucks, but that's life. You survive. You adjust. You can't always get the girl, man."

"You're right about one thing." he says, "It sucks."

I nod once more and we both just sit there in silence letting stillness fall over us because I can't say anything else. At least not something that'll make him feel better.

_-oo-_

_Sarah Dessen once wrote: "__I'd long ago learned not to be picky_ about _farewells_. _They_ weren't _guaranteed or promised_. _You were lucky_, more than _blessed_, _if you_ got a _goodbye at all_."

I watched Brooke walk away and it took everything in me to not run after her and just beg her to be with me. I just leaned against the doorway and watched her walk away. I immediately knew that I wouldn't be able to fall asleep again. Not at that moment, at least.

So, anyway, it is now eleven am, Nathan left a while ago and I am still here sitting on the kitchen table wide-awake…at least I'm fully clothed now.

I keep going over everything in my head. In retrospect, I handled a lot of things wrong. I shouldn't have kissed her out of the blue like that, I shouldn't have waited until she came back to fight for her. I should've been fighting for her since the start.

I should've… "Luke," calls out a voice I recognize as Haley's, "It's me."

"Hey, Hales." I answer dully, "What's up?"

She looks me up and down and smiles. What could she possibly be smiling about? "Wow, you look better than Nathan said you were."

"Yeah, well, I showered." I say sulkily, "Felt like it was time."

"And you're making sarcastic jokes." She says trying to sound positive, "You gotta be feeling at least a little better."

"Well, I don't know about better," I say as I crash down on the couch, "But I am pretty…composed now. And I seem to have a full babysitting service. Rachel called, Nathan came over and now you. I should get rejected more often just for the company."

"Well, Luke, we care. Sue us. And you know, love is overrated." She says in an attempt to lighten the mood, "Really, I mean, heart skipping beats, losing all control, acting so impulsively to the point were you just _can't_ think and all that fluttering in your stomach...you just know that can't be good for you."

I scoff practically sneering, "Look, Hales, I appreciate the support and the heartfelt attempts to make me feel better, but its just not working."

"Okay, its just…you don't seem like you want to talk and I don't really what to do here. And I'm not used to that. I always know what my best friend duty is and I don't know now so how about tell me what I can do to help and we'll take it from there."

I laugh and shake my head, "Why do you always want to help?"

"Because I hate seeing the people I care about sad." She says with a warm smile

"Thanks, Hales, I appreciate it, I do." I say, "But you don't really have any idea about what I'm feeling right now."

She nods, "Yeah, you're probably right. I'm sure I don't have any idea what you're going through. I don't know how hard it is to let someone go. How painful it must be to know that you can be right for each other, but you don't get to be together. I wouldn't know a thing about that. About how it makes you angry and empty and miserable." She says rather sardonically, "I probably have no idea how that is."

For some reason that makes me laugh dryly and she laughs with me. I put an arm around her shoulder, "Oh, I've missed how you always find the right thing to say to me, Hales."

"Yeah, well, years of being your best friend have given me some insight into how you feel and react." She says smiling, "Even a three year rift can't change that."

"I love you, Haley." I say matter-of-factly, "You're the best relationship I have. And even so I've neglected you for three years…"

"Oh, don't be self-deprecating, it's annoying." She says with kinked eyebrows, "And I came here to cheer you up, not bring you down."

"Okay," I say sighing, "What'd you have in mind?"

"Well, we can watch a drama filled Christmas movie, _It's a Wonderful Life_ is playing on TV. Or I snatched the _Grinch _from Robbie's room, but only if you want something funny."

I clear my throat, "Something funny, please."

She smiles and pulls out a DVD from her purse. "The _Grinch_ it is."

We sit there completely motionless and laughing at all the familiar parts of a movie we know by heart, but still manage to makes us laugh.

I find myself watching the movie, but not really seeing it. I keep thinking about Brooke and how she said that I don't get to be in her future. I want to be mature here, but I didn't think it'd be so hard to let go. I mean, I'm still trying to process how I went from being a possibility to being nothing and it just…it feels like there's an aching that I can't make go away and it feels bigger than me –it feels bigger than everything, actually.

Maybe I lost Brooke and, like Nate said, I don't get the girl this time, but my old life seems to be slowly falling back in place. I'm talking to Haley again and I can hang out with Nathan without it coming to blows and I finally got out of my marriage and, apparently, I still haven't completely cut myself out from Jamie and Robbie's lives so I can still be a part of that with a lot of time and work and I can make things better little by little.

As for Brooke, at least she said goodbye this time. We got some sort of closure and maybe, day by day, I can let go and move on.

_-oo-_

_Ralph Waldo Emerson once wrote: "Accept your genius and say what you think."_

I turn off the TV because all the clichéd out Christmas movies they're endlessly playing on every single channel have grown boring.

I pull out the wad of cash that Nate gave me and start to count it if only to kill time.

"Hey, Rae," says Jake bursting me out of my thoughts, "What'cha doing?" he asks in a cutesy tone

I smirk, "Just making sure Nate paid in full."

"Do I even want to know?" he asks as he sits next to me

"Get your mind out of the gutter, we bet on who Brooke would end up with." I explain

"Okay, that is just wrong." He says laughing while shaking his head in a disapproving way, "You're a very odd friend."

I scoff, "Okay, I'll have you know, Christmas dinner excluded, I'm a kick ass friend."

"If you say so."

"So what's the deal with you and Sawyer, you a couple now?" I ask bluntly

"Uh, not really, I mean, it's been nice seeing her, but she lives here and I'm leaving tomorrow with Jen so…I really don't know." He says with a shrug, "But still, it was just good seeing her."

"Oh," I say kind of surprised, "I thought you two were a full on couple."

"Well, we both have a lot of baggage." He says casually, "I don't know what we are."

"Have you ever?" asks Brooke as she sits between us

"Hey, B, where's Julian?" asks Jake before I can get a chance to

"Oh, um, he's still showering," she says grinning, "We got kind of dirty."

I smile approvingly, "Nice," I say as we to that typical guy knuckle-bumping thing

"Uh, I so didn't want to know that." says Jake with a pretty perturbed tone

Brooke and I simultaneously roll our eyes "Don't be such a prude, Jake."

He stands up and looks between us, "Okay, this is clearly a girl thing so I'm gonna head upstairs, check on Jen, finish packing up and just...leave you two alone."

"Oh, come on, Jake," says Brooke laughing, "Don't go!" he ignores us and runs upstairs. "Well, we certainly know how to clear a room."

"Yes, we do." I assure her proudly, "Well, come on, spill, you and Julian really good again?"

She automatically smiles and nods giddily, "Yeah, I mean, I was scared, but I just went to see him last night and we walked and talked and…we lover each other. He's my future."

"And Lucas?" I ask acknowledging the elephant in the room

"Uh, I talked to him. I told him we were really over and that we weren't going to be together anymore. You know, I just said goodbye. This time I wanted to close the door to my past before trying to open the one to my future."

"Well, I'm happy for you. Jules is a great guy and Sammy's gonna be more than thrilled and I know he's good for you so…I'm happy." I say earnestly, "At least one of us is in a functional relationship."

"Yeah," says Brooke as she hands me an envelope, "I got you something."

I open it up, "A plane ticket?" I ask with a cocked eyebrow

"Yeah, you're leaving with us tomorrow and Owen is picking us all up at LAX." She says

I scoff, "Fine, I'm in, but I get the window seat."

_-oo-_

_Antoine de Saint-Exupery once wrote: "It is only with the heart that one can see rightly. What is essential is invisible to the eye."_

"Aunt Brooke," I say as I jump into her bed, "Can we talk?"

"Always, kid." She says as she puts the magazine she was reading away, "What're we gonna talk about?"

"I know you're staying with Uncle J." I say, "And I'm happy for you –"

"Yeah, kiddo, look I got the vibe you wanted your Uncle Lucas and I to get together, but its just –It isn't right between us anymore, but I'm always gonna be your godmother and your Aunt Brooke and, no matter who I'm with, that's never gonna change."

I smile and nod, "I know, that's not what I wanted to say."

"Oh…I'm always jumping the gun." She says laughing, "Sorry, go on with whatever you wanted to say."

"Well, when you left last time, you called and all, but you never visited and you missed my games and you didn't talk to dad and it sucked." I explain, "I really liked visiting you in LA and it was really fun, but I missed having you here. And now things are different, you and dad are talking and, well, it sounds lame, but you're all friends again –more or less, and I want it to be different this time. I want you to visit and I want dad to go visit you, too. I don't want you to just leave again."

"Okay, come here, pretty boy." She says as she pulls me in for a hug, "I promise I won't leave like that again. You know I love you and being a part of your life means a lot to me? I mean that, you're one of the biggest parts of my life, you and Robbie."

"I know, Aunt Brooke," I assure her as I hug her back, "You're a big part of my life, too. I just wanted to make sure it stayed that way."

She laughs and tussles my hair, "Well, kiddo, you're pretty much stuck with me 'cause I'm not going anywhere. Whether I'm in LA or Tree Hill or China or wherever, I am always just one call away. You call my name and I'll be there, no questions."

"Well, I know you're leaving tomorrow and I just wanted you to know." I say half smiling, "Do you promise you'll visit?"

"I promise." She says seriously, "It'll be different this time."

"Good." I say smirking, "'Cause I'm point guard and I want you to come to my first game of the season." She nods hesitantly, "That was me calling, by the way."

"I'll be here. I'll bring Sam and Julian with me so you'll have a full cheering section. I'll even wear my old cheerleading outfit and scream abnormally loud just for you." she says

"Pinky promise?" I ask as I raise my pinky

She bites her lower lip smiling and laces her finger with mine, "Pinky promise."

"I love you, Aunt Brooke."

She shakes her head laughing and gives me a kiss, "Oh, kid, you have no idea."

_-oo-_

_Audrey Niffenegger once wrote: "Right now we are here, and nothing can mar our perfection, or steal the joy of this perfect moment." _

I find myself fiddling a happy tune with my guitar when Brooke walks in and walks over to me with a drained look in her eyes

"Aw, there's my girl." I say grinning from ear to ear as she sits next to me and lays her head on my lap, "You tired?"

"Oh, you have no idea. I just finished packing everything. Including Sam's stuff because, as usual, she's too lazy to do it." she says in a whiny tone, "Man, we carry a lot of crap."

"Um, you carry a lot of crap." I say snorting, "I brought just the essentials and my packing was done in under fifteen minutes."

She reaches up to slap the side of my head, but I grab her hand and kiss it. "Let's save the kinky stuff for home." I say laughing

She laughs, too, "Oh, by the way, Jamie totally guilt tripped me and we'll be coming back here for his first basketball game of the season." She pouts, deep in thought, for a second, "I've taught him too well and he's gotten too smart for his own good."

I laugh at the comment because, granted, I haven't met a lot of kids, but Jamie's easily the smartest kid I've ever met, "That's cool, I like a good game. Think Rae will start a betting pool on those, too? 'Cause my money is on the kid."

She laughs, too and rolls over looking up at me, "You're amazing, you know that?"

"No, you're amazing and it's just rubbed off on me." I say with my patented grin

"Don't do that. Don't belittle how great you are." she says smiling, "After what's easily been the world's most terrible Christmas and all the fighting, everything falling in disarray and just the general chaos of the last week the fact that you're actually looking forward to hanging out in this crazy fest again, _that _is beyond amazing."

"Well, I'll go wherever you'll go." I assure her, "And, hey, at least it's never boring with us."

"Oh, come on, bring on a little boring." She says, "I want a boring goodbye here and a boring flight back because I am tired of all the unnecessary drama and a boring day sounds pretty great right about now."

Well, she does have a point. It'd be nice to spend our last night in Tree Hill in a completely uneventful, dull haze. "Well, here's hoping, Dimples."

Suddenly she jumps up and rushes to the window, "Oh, my god!" she squeals, "Come on, grab a coat!" she adds before rushing downstairs.

"Oh…kay." I say practically to myself since she's halfway down the stairs and out the door.

I rush outside and find standing in the middle of the driveway. "Seriously, babe, you know I'm in for whatever, but walk me through it. What's going on?"

"Wait for it." she says, "I saw it coming." As she finishes saying that, little by little, snow starts to slowly fall, "Oh, the one thing I hate about LA is that there is no snow." She lets her head fall against my chest with a peaceful smile as she watches the snowflakes falling all around us.

God, it's been years since I saw real snow. I have to admit it does have a rather odd soothing quality to it. It certainly seems to put Brooke at ease. "Do you like snow?" she asks

"Yeah," I say wrapping my arms around her waist, "I haven't seen any snow in a while, but I do like it."

I grab her arm and twirl her around, "You look like one of those perfect little dolls inside a snow globe right now."

"Well, you're the perfect little boy doll standing next to me." she says as she pulls me closer to her, "Come on, dance with me. It'll be fun."

I sigh and arch my eyebrows, "Alright." As she wraps her arms around my neck, I put my arms around her waist and we dance to rhythm in our heads.

"Kiss me." she says in her sexy raspy voice and I am more than happy to comply. Every time her lips crash into mine everything seems to fall into place and nothing can ever be sad. It's just perfect.

**TBC**


	11. The Future

**AN: **Well, dudes, this is the end of things (as usual, I have a lot of mixed feelings about the ending). There's a little bit of everyone in this chapter. It's been fun, thanks for reading. You guys have all been awesome. I'll reply to all of your reviews later 'cause right now I'm beyond tired from studying and babysitting all weekend long.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own anything…that's it.

**Which To Bury: Us Or The Hatchet?**

_The Future  
December 24__th__ – One Year Later_

_-oo-_

_Mark Strand once wrote: "The future is always beginning now."_

Okay, something about sitting outside the airport with Jamie while waiting for Brooke feels like a déjà vu. Except things are different this time. We talk to each other weekly and she visits here and I visit there. It's not awkward anymore.

"Hey, dad, turn it up." Says Jamie as he leans forward to turn up the volume, "I love this song."

_Rapper's Delight_ is playing and I smile, "I used to play that for you when you were just a baby. Drove your mom nuts."

"Everything you do drives mom nuts, dad." He says with what resembles my usual wiseass tone and smirk. I am truly proud.

"Alright, smartass, out of the car." I say as I unbuckle my seatbelt, "I said we'd meet Brooke outside of baggage claim."

We enthrall ourselves in a few heated games of rock-paper-scissors while we wait.

"Hey, man," I look up and see Julian walking towards us, carrying five heavy looking bags, "How about a hand?"

I laugh at the sight, "Brooke handled all the packing I assume." He just nods in response, "Figures, where's she at?" I ask looking around

Finally, I see Brooke walking up to us with a baby in her arms and Sam hovering close to her

She lets out an ever-familiar squeal and carefully hands the baby to Sam before running towards us with arms wide open.

Of course she hugs Jamie first. She also tries to pick him up, but it turns out he's gotten too big for her to carry. "God, you've grown. Stop it!" she says tussling his hair

She turns to me smiling, "Hey, hotshot," she says before hugging me.

"Hey, Brookie," I say smiling back at her, "How've things been?" I ask as I do the mental math. It's been about a month and a half since we last saw each other. Hales, the kids and me flew out to LA for Gabriel's baptism.

"Good, but I've missed you guys _so _much." She lets out a sigh, "It's been hard to plan a weekend visit with work pilling up and Gabe, and there's just been a lot of stuff to do. Everything's been so hectic."

As we make our way to the car, I roll my eyes because, even with a lot of stuff to do, her pregnancy and, now, a newborn, she'd managed to call and she made it to most of Jamie's games this last season. "Relax, B, you've been going above and beyond with your aunt/godmother duties. And don't forget, I know how grueling those first few months with a baby can be. Does Sam like being a big sister?"

Brooke smiles proudly and nods before turning to see Sam cooing over Gabriel, "Definitely, Sam's been attached to him 24/7. She's been coming home practically every weekend…she actually visits more _now_ than she did before."

I smile back at her, "Yeah, Jimmy Jam took naturally to the big brother thing, too."

We both turn to Jamie who's been watching Sam with Gabe, "Can I hold him?" asks Jamie with the big puppy eyes and pout that no one can resist.

Brooke nods, "Sure, have Sam help you out. She's a total pro by now."

"Yeah," says Julian as he hands me two bags, "Between Brooke being an overprotective mother and Sam being an overprotective sister I've hardly had a chance to hold the kid."

Brooke slaps his arm and I laugh remembering how Haley and I were crazy obsessive parents. "Yeah, I know how that is, but trust me it passes eventually."

We buckle up Gabriel in Robbie's old car seat, which I had already set up, and we head home.

"Honey, we're home." I yell as Julian and I come in with the bags

"Tutor Mom!" yells Brooke with her typical cheerful voice, "Merry Christmas!"

Haley runs out of the kitchen squealing to meet Brooke, "Tigger!" she yells as she hugs her, "Merry Christmas back at you!"

"Where's my handsome godson at?" asks with her hands on her hips, "I haven't seen him in a month."

"Sam and Jamie have him." says Brooke, "They're both such baby hogs."

"Look who's talking." Say Julian and I simultaneously

They stick their tongues out at us, and head into the kitchen to "catch up", Sam and Jamie following them with Gabe and Rob. "So…" I say turning to Julian

"Guess this means _we're_ the ones carrying everything upstairs." He says finishing my thought for me and I nod

He nods, too, "Dude, we are so whipped."

I let out a chuckle. I could try to argue and say we aren't, but, really, what would be the point?

_-oo-_

_Antoine de Saint-Exupery once wrote: "As for the future, your task is not to foresee it, but to enable it.__"_

I find myself awestruck as I watch Brooke play with her gorgeous three-month-old baby boy.

He's growing at an uncharacteristic rate; he's almost twice as big as Jamie was. Plus, that kid is all Brooke, from his dark chocolate hair to his unbelievable dimples.

"Hales," calls Brooke as she sits him down on her belly, "Anything wrong? You're kind of staring."

I shake my head and snap out of it, "I wasn't staring, I was gazing dreamily at the cutest godson I have. And nothing's wrong, I just…I can't believe you actually wanted to do this again. Wasn't last year enough for you?" I ask laughing

She laughs, too, "Okay, first, he's the _only_ godson you have. And second, it was your kids who talked me into this. Turns out they're meddlers just like you."

I roll my eyes playfully, "True, he's my only godson, but still he's pretty darn cute. And so totally_ not_ true that my kids are meddlers."

"Uh, yes, they are and yes, he is." She says as she goes back to tickling the baby on her belly, "Aren't you, Gabriel? You're gorgeous. You're mommy's perfect boy."

"He's precious," I say as I pick him up, "And he loves his Aunt Haley best."

"Actually, he loves his big sister the best." Says Sam as she jumps on the couch next to Brooke, "Julian and Nate took Robbie to pick out a Christmas tree." She adds

"Okay, good," I say as I continue to smile at Gabe

I figure we can all decorate it later. Jake's already on the way here, Lucas should be here by three, Peyton's flight from New York lands at four, and Rachel promised to be here before dinner.

I hand Gabe over to Jamie and Sam and ask them if they can manage the baby all by themselves while Brooke and I check on dinner.

All three of them arch their eyebrows in surprise, "Seriously?" I nod, "You're gonna let me, Brooke Davis, cook?"

"Eh, 'cook' is the wrong term for it. More like handing me stuff, _maybe_ stirring something." I say laughing

She scoffs and kisses all three kids before standing up and playfully shoving me into the kitchen, "Well, gee, do you really think I can handle all that work?"

Turns out that bringing Brooke into the kitchen was a bad idea. She's been bugging me about 'chopping something' for the last forty-five minutes.

"Girls!" we hear Nathan's voice yell, "The men are back."

"And we got the tree." adds Julian, "Come check it out!"

We arrive to the living room to find Sam smacking the guys for yelling since she just put Gabe down for a nap.

"Jeez, Sammy," mutters Julian, "I'm the dad here, why are _you_ hitting _me_?"

"Relax, sweetie," says Brooke as she skips over to him and jumps into his arms and gives him a quick kiss, "And, Sam, play nice. No hitting daddy."

"Okay, can we focus?" asks Nathan as he finishes putting up the tree, "Is this one okay? 'Cause there weren't exactly a ton of choices over at the lot what with it being Christmas Eve and all."

"It's kind of puny, dad." States Jamie matter-of-factly and I have to agree, but beggars can be choosers.

Brooke circles the tree with a serious, pensive pout on her face, "I like it!" she announces giddily, "It's got character and, once we're done decorating it, it'll look awesome."

"Haley, Nate," calls a voice I recognize as Jake's, "We're here, sorry for the delay. There was traffic."

"Living room, dude." Says Julian

"Okay, good." I say smiling, "Now, Gabe is asleep, the turkey is in the oven and we're almost all here. Let's start decorating." I turn to Jamie, "Did you get the box of ornaments out of the closet, hon?"

"Yep."

We begin decorating the tree and start humming along to random Christmas songs as we put up all kinds of ornaments, including the creepy-looked-cute-at-the-time-but-now-they're-just-plain-ugly homemade ornaments.

"Okay, it looks pretty good." I say as I look at our finished tree

"Pretty good? It looks awesome!" she says clapping and jumping up and down excitedly, "I told you it had character."

I sigh and nod…the tree does look good. And, so far, this is going much better than last year so I really have no complaints.

_-oo-_

_William Allen White once wrote: "I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today__."_

I walk out of the airport with my duffel bag in hand and I spot Jake leaning casually against the wall with his arms crossed over his chest waiting for me.

I walk over to him, "Hey, miss me?"

"Of course," he assures me smiling, "I gotta go to New York more often, though. Seeing you months at a time really sucks."

I nod. He's right. Being in relationship limbo's getting pretty tiring. Splitting time between Savannah and New York is definitely less than ideal. "Yeah, but we're pretty set up in New York now. Signing up new artists practically each week." I say shrugging, "Maybe it's time to expand, get a small office near Savannah…See how many indie rock stars I can find there."

"Indie rock stars, huh?" he asks with a cocked eyebrow, "Well, I can think of an awesome one who's here right now."

"Really?" I ask somewhat flirtingly, "Good, you can introduce us and we'll hook up. I've been meaning to start something up with a rock star."

He shakes his head laughing, "Nice, thank you. Come on," he grabs my bag, "Let's get back to the house. We can discuss you leaving me for a rock star later."

I laugh back, "Deal."

We get to the house and walk in, "Anyone here?" I call out, "We're back."

"Oh, finally." I hear Brooke say, "Living room!"

I walk in with Jake, and Brooke jumps up from the couch excitedly, "Thank god someone's back. I got so bored! Jamie, Robbie and Jenny are outside playing. Gabe is still asleep. Hales is busy with dinner because, as hard as she tried to keep it at bay, her usual neurosis about getting things just right has settled in. Then I figured Julian and I could use this time to fool around a little, but he went out with Nate on some secret Christmas errand…"

"Brooke, breathe." Instructs Jake as he plops himself down on the couch, "Sit, take a load off."

"Yeah, catch us up with what's been going on with you." I say as I sit on the nearest empty chair, "I haven't seen you in, what, five or six months?"

She rolls her eyes at us, and falls back into the couch, "Or, since I'm sure you already know the basics, you can catch me up. What's the deal with you two? You a couple now?"

"It's complicated." We reply in unison

She just smirks and kinks an eyebrow, "Isn't it always?" she asks as the doorbell rings, "I'll leave you two alone while I go get that."

She comes back in a few minutes with Lucas in tow, "Hey guys," he says with a small wave as he sits next to Jake, "Long time no see."

"Haley, Luke's here." Says Brooke. Haley pokes her head out of the kitchen for a second and mutters a 'hey'.

"Hey Hales." says Lucas only to get ignored, "Her usual dinner OCD setting in?" he asks and we all nod, "Oh, how I love Christmas." He adds smirking

Jake scoffs, "Leave Haley alone, she's just trying to do a nice thing here." He says with a reprimanding tone, "You can't really blame her for that considering Christmas past."

We all exchange looks and burst out laughing (who'd have thought we'd ever end up laughing about that?), "Yeah, you do have a point there."

We hear the front door opening up and Nathan's voice say, "Hales!"

Followed by Julian's voice calling out, "Dimples, I'm back."

And so comes the reunion I've been waiting to see for a while. I haven't exactly seen Julian and Lucas in the same room since they were using each other as punching bags last year.

Julian and Nathan walk in and it feels like everything pauses for a second as Julian and Lucas stare at each other. Brooke stands up and walks over to Julian's side. She holds his arm as he and Lucas awkwardly exchange hellos and shake hands.

It's uncomfortable and oddly formal, but I didn't really expect them to be best buddies. I don't think Brooke would ask that much out of either one of them.

We all exchange some awkward pleasantries and sit down. There're some awkward silences, but mainly Brooke's been hassling Julian about his 'secret Christmas errand'. Just as the weird vibe passes, Rachel walks into the living room.

Now it feels like Christmas.

_-oo-_

_Harry Lauder_ _once wrote: "The future is not a gift –it is an achievement__."_

I look around the room smirking at seeing Brooke, Julian and Lucas all sitting on the same couch, "Aw, reviving yet another triangle?"

Brooke simply glares at me, "What? Not funny yet?" I ask with a small chuckle

Even Haley pokes her head out of the kitchen to join everyone else, as they yelled a wholehearted "No!"

"Not everyone gets your…sense of humor, sweetheart." Says Owen as he kisses my cheek, "It's an acquired taste."

Of course, at that, they all laugh. I roll my eyes at them and head upstairs with Brooke and Peyton so we can all unpack. Peyton finishes first (apparently she brought the least amount of stuff), and Brooke doesn't even get to start because as soon as we got upstairs Gabe was up and at them.

"Aw, how's my boy doing?" I ask as I sit next to her, "Mad cause we woke you up?"

Brooke shakes her head, "Nah, he was just hungry. I swear he loves my breasts more than any guy I've ever slept with."

"Well, that's saying something!" she slaps my arm playfully and we put Junior back in his crib

"He's really grown." I say matter-of-factly

"Come on, Rae, you just saw him last week." She says, "He hasn't gotten _that_ big."

"He's actually gotten huge." Says Peyton from behind us, "Nate sent me a picture from the baptism and he's really grown since then. He's a really beautiful baby, Brooke."

"Thanks." Says Brooke demurely. She always has the grace to look coy.

"Well, look at this Kodak moment." I say only slightly mockingly, "Did you think that this is where we'd be last year? That we'd be doing _this_ again?"

"Not really." Answers Peyton somewhat wryly

"Well, I wasn't sure whether we'd do this again or not." Says Brooke, "But I'm kind of glad we are."

"I agree." I say smiling, "I wanted a chance to say that I didn't screw up at least one Christmas dinner."

Peyton scoffs, "Because it's all about Rachel."

"Hell yeah!" I say laughing.

At this point we hear Haley calling saying that dinner was ready and we all head downstairs. I steer clear from the wine all throughout the meal and we actually get through it without any major incidents. We all catch up with work and our lives.

Haley's been assigned to teach a music class, Brooke's still escalating her company, Julian got the budget approved for his new movie, Nathan got offered more money to stay with the Bobcats, Lucas is back coaching, Peyton's considering expanding her label, Jake's been writing, Owen announced to everyone his plans to open a bar and I announced that I got an offer to star in a movie.

We're all doing disturbingly well. Who'd have thought that we'd end up like this? Getting, more or less, most of the things we've always wanted.

Nathan, Jake and Haley head upstairs to tuck the kids in as Julian and Lucas head into the living room to start a fire. Peyton goes to the kitchen to get the eggnog and in only a matter of minutes we're all cuddled up in the living room "bonding".

_-oo-_

_Zelda Fitzgerald __once wrote: "By the time a person has achieved years adequate for choosing a direction, the die is cast and the moment has long since passed which determined the future."_

I cuddle up in Julian's lap and think about how we ended up here. I definitely didn't think I'd have a baby by now. I mean, we talked about having kids, but that was always in the future…I just never thought the future would come so soon.

I mean, one night I'm telling him I want kids and a family, and a few months later the little stick turns blue and I'm pregnant.

I'm busted out of my thoughts by a cushion thrown at my head, "Yo, earth to B. Davis!" says Nathan, "Where'd you go?"

I shake my head and I throw the cushion back at him, "I was having a moment, dumb ass." I reply, "I thought we were supposed to be reminiscing about the good times."

"Yeah, out loud with the group." He says cockily, "It's part of the whole bonding thing."

"Oh, play nice you too." Reprimands Haley, "The whole love-hate thing you two have is getting old."

"Whatever, _mom_," I say as I stick my tongue out at her, "You know you love us anyway."

"Okay, white flags up," says Jake as he stands up, "I'm heading to the kitchen, who wants more nog?"

Everyone, but Owen, Rachel and I, raises their cups, "I'll take some juice or a coke or something." Says Rachel, "There really is no point in drinking the non-alcoholic eggnog. It tastes like ass."

"I second that." says Owen as he grabs our cups, "I'll get us guys something else."

"You know what we should do?" asks Rachel with a mischievous grin, "We should play 'I never'."

A mountain of cushions gets thrown her way. She ducks to try and avoid them all, but they all hit her, "Jeez, it was just a suggestion. No need to get so sensitive."

We then start to dig through the DVD collection and find a couple of home movies. We debate whether or not we should watch some of them thinking that maybe we could have a laugh about the old times. Ultimately we decide against it because of experiences past.

Is there any kind of harmless group activity that hasn't gone awry with us? I swear it's like we're cursed.

After a while we start playing the question game. We figure that's something that even _we_ can't fuck up.

"Okay, favorite band?" asks Haley to Peyton

"The Cure." She answers automatically before turning to Nathan, "Favorite singer?"

"Uh, Haley, duh." He states turning to me, "Brooke, favorite 80's movie?"

"The Molly Ringwald ones." I answer

We continue to joke around and, finally, Nathan stands up and suggests the boys go out to grab a beer or something. I have no clue where they'd find any place to get beer open on Christmas Eve, but, hey, more power to them.

Rachel, Haley, Peyton and I decide to enjoy their absence and have ourselves a girl night. We watched Spice Girls, pigged out of junk food and ate all four ice-cream pints in the fridge in under three hours. That's impressive even for us. I volunteer to go out and get some more Ben & Jerry's. There can be no girl night without ice cream.

_-oo-_

_F. Scott Fitzgerald __once wrote: "One of those uneventful times that seem at the moment only a link between past and future pleasure, but turn out to have been the pleasure itself__."_

I ditch the guy bonding after the second beer, and decide to take a detour on the way home.

"Brooke Davis." I say surprised at finding her here, "What brings you to the River court?"

"Hey, Luke." She says as she spots me walking over to her, "Julian, Nathan and Jake are having a boys' night. I just went out to get some more ice cream for girls' night and ended up taking a detour… How've you been?"

"I actually just left the boys' night." I say, "I've been good. Trying to keep busy. What about you? How're things back home?"

She slides over on the picnic table and I sit next to her. Both of us peacefully gazing straight ahead, "Good, I've just been busy with the baby and all, but I've kept up my weekly calls to Rob and James."

"Yeah, they told me." I say sighing, "How's motherhood treating you? Everything you hoped it would be?" I ask remembering that day she told me how much she wanted a baby.

"Oh, wow, it's been amazing. I mean, it hurt like hell and that part sucked, but then they handed him to me and I just knew that he was the most perfect thing I was ever going to do." She says dreamily beaming, "Then the paranoia and fear set in and I got unbelievably scared that I would mess him up in some huge irreparable way."

I laugh for a second, "You won't. You have a great track record. Look at Jamie, and Angie, and Robbie. And then there's Sam. You're already a great mother."

"Yeah, but that was different." She shrugs for a second, "I only had Angie for a little while and Jamie was four when I officially came into his life and then I left when Robbie was a baby so I saw him intermittently and I'm just fun Aunt Brooke with them. Then Sam's already so grown up and our dynamic's always been out of the norm. With Gabe it's different. He's just three months old and I don't really know if I know how to do this."

"Well, lucky for you, I do. You are amazing, Brooke Davis." I assure her as I gently nudge her, "And Gabe is really lucky to have such an amazing mom. He couldn't have been born to a better one."

"Good to know you're so sure." She says coyly

"I am, as a matter of fact. What about Julian? How's he liking fatherhood?"

"Oh, he's about it the same way he is about everything else. Cocky. He's confident he's an awesome dad. And, honestly, he's right to be. I mean he gets up when it's his turn to feed him, he changes diapers, and he plays his guitar for with him." she says smiling, "He's an amazing dad."

"And you're an amazing mom." I add seriously, "Now, come on, bring back the confident B. Davis. I've always liked her better."

She laughs, "Okay, I'll try. But come on, tell me all about you. We've seen each other, but we haven't really talked yet. Fill me in, tell me about work and everything."

"Well, I'm hanging out with Robbie and Jamie. Doing a weekly dinner with Nathan and Haley now. They still haven't gotten tired of me. I'm still coaching and that's been going pretty good so far." I inform her, "I talked to a couple of publishing houses, but I'm not sure if that's going anywhere…"

"Yeah!" she squeals, "Hales told me you'd been writing again. Sequel to _Ravens_ or something new?"

"New." I say with a small smile, "But then again, not really. I wanted to write about falling in love and how sometimes it just doesn't last, but how in it's own way it lasts forever."

"What? Boy meets Girl, Boy loses Girl, Boy gets Girl back?" she asks with a dimpled smile, "'Cause whatever it is, I'm sure it'll be great."

I scoff laughing, "Something like that…maybe this time the boy won't get the girl back, though."

"Well, you are the writer," she says matter-of-factly, "You get to rewrite history anyway you like and you're actually pretty good at it. Can I ask for one thing, though?"

I automatically smile, "Anything."

She smiles back, "Please give it a happy ending, there's already enough sad ones in life."

"Well, I can't promise you anything, but I'll try." I say earnestly, "Are you happy?"

"Yeah, I really am." She assures me and I smile once more. And I'm glad she's happy. She deserves it more than anyone I know.

I sigh, put on my best face and smile at her once more, "I'm really happy for you, then."

"What about you?" she asks, "You happy?"

Ah, am I happy? I don't know. Kind of. I guess I'm pretty content with the way things are, but… "Sometimes. Other times…other times I just long to go back and do it all differently. Maybe get myself a new, happier ending."

She raises her eyebrows and nods, "Well, I hope you get a happier ending even if you can't go back." She says, "I should go now. Ice cream's melting and hell hath no fury like girl night without ice cream." She jumps off the table and starts to walk home

"Thanks, Brooke. I'll see you around." I tell her smiling

She turns to me, and smiles back, "Take care, Luke."

Something about seeing her walk away is easier this time. It still hurts that she's with another guy –that she had a _baby_ with another guy. But, I don't know…it's all somehow _easier_.

_-oo-_

_George F. Burns __once wrote: "__I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life._

I decide to bail early on the boys' night to get back to Brooke. I find Rachel and Peyton passed out on the couch, I'm assuming from some sort of sugar coma from all the empty cartons of ice cream, bags of twizzlers and everything else scattered around the room.

I don't see either Brooke or Haley so I assume they made it upstairs. I walk into the room and I find Brooke sitting on the bed brushing her hair, "Hey Dimples." I say grinning

"Hi honey, how was boy night?" she asks, "You have fun?"

"Yeah, well, about as much fun as you can have downing cheap beer in the parking lot of a Seven Eleven." I say scoffing, "What about you, how was girl night?"

"Extra sweet and oddly productive. It's safe to say that we've eaten all the sugar in the house, but, fueled by the sugar rush, we also set up all the gifts under the tree." She says, "It was fun."

We crawl into bed and she cuddles up to me, "You ever gonna tell me what the deal is with all your mysterious Christmas errands?" she asks

"Ah, but see, if I tell you now, it'll spoil the surprise for tomorrow." I whisper in her ear, "Don't you wanna be surprised?"

"Oh, please, it's almost 12!" she squeals, "It's practically Christmas day already."

I laugh as I check out the watch, "It's only eleven o'clock, babe."

She rolls her eyes and shifts so she's sitting on top of me, "Okay, how about you give me a hint about your 'secret Christmas errand' and I'll give you a little preview of your Christmas gift." She says placing a delicate kiss on my lips and then leaning in to nibble on my neck.

I let out a groan and she knows she's won, "Okay, I was getting you a special gift." I admit, "It's in the closet."

She lets out an excited squeal and rushes to the closet to see what it is. "Oh my god!"

"You like it?" I ask as I sit up on the bed, "Nate helped me pick it out and the guy at the shop said it was a good pick. Very kid friendly."

She brings it to the bed and kisses me once more, "I can't believe you got me a puppy!" she shrieks, "She's so cute! It's a she, right?"

I nod, "Yeah, it's a she. And I remember you said that when you told me that you wanted us. You said that you wanted a future together, and kids, and a dog because you liked dogs. I figured we already had two out of three so we might as well have it all."

She kisses me once more, and smiles, "Does she have name yet?" she asks

"Yeah, actually, Sam named her." I explain, "She caught me when I was bringing her in and said she'd keep quiet if she could name her. I caved, she named her Gypsy."

"Gypsy." She repeats as she scratches her belly, "I like it, its perfect."

I kiss her cheek and grin, "Yep, but you do realize that this means I don't have another gift for you tomorrow."

She smiles back, "That's okay, babe, I already have two gorgeous kids, an awesome soon-to-be-husband, and a kick ass family. I got everything I ever wanted and I couldn't ask for more." She sighs, "And now you got me a puppy…I can't believe you remembered that."

"Hey, I remember everything." I say kissing her forehead, "I remember the first time I saw you, I remember our first kiss…I _really_ remember the first time we had sex." She slaps my chest playfully and I kiss the tip of her nose, "Ooh, I also remember your stupid Molly Ringwald dance. And how you called me a pervert."

She rolls over on top of me once more, "Okay, that dance was hot. It totally turned you on, admit it. And can you really blame me about the perv thing? I didn't know you back then."

I sigh, "Fine, I confess. You looked extremely hot dancing." She smiles gloatingly, "But you always look extremely hot so that's not saying much."

"Everything about us still feels so surreal to me." she says, "It's like a fairytale."

I pull her closer to my chest and wrap my arms around her waist, "No, it's better than a fairytale because this is real. Is not made up, it's just us."

Her dimples come out with her smile and she kisses me, "So this is our happily ever after?" she asks

I nod and kiss her back, "Yeah, Dimples. This is it. If this were a movie, this would be the time to cue the happy ending music."

"I really love you, Julian Baker."

"Nowhere near as much as I love you, Brooke Davis."

**THE END**


End file.
